The Myth Makers Part 4/4: Horse of Destruction

So as things stand, the Greeks have managed to get a giant horse with shitloads of soldiers inside Troy, and even if you're as unfamiliar with Greek legends as I am, you probably know the gist of how this episode is going to play out. Or maybe not, I dunno, I haven't seen it yet. But before we do get into it, I'd like to share the fact that the original title for this serial, instead of 'The Myth Makers', was 'Is There A Doctor In This Horse?'
Bam. Day instantly improved 20%, am I right?

Cassandra is still feeling a little butthurt that her entire family likes Vicki (whom they all still know as 'Cressida', and who has stayed out on the balcony looking at the horse for a suspiciously long time) more than they like her, so she sends her handmaiden, Katarina, off to see what the deal is. But lol whoops, Vicki isn't on the balcony, she's gone down to the dungeons to let Steven out of his cell.

The two of them head out into the town square to have a look at the wooden horse. Vicki laughs at the shoddy nature of the horse's design, which, to say it was built in ONE DAY, isn't actually all that bad.


Steven happily returns jibes at how Troilus and Vicki are in luurrrrrve, and Vicki gets a little annoyed. Steven, adorably chastened, apologises and tells her that she should probably warn Troilus to leave Troy ASAP if she really likes him, because there are Greeks inside that thing and they're here to drink wine and fuck shit up. And they've just finished their wine.

Steven realises he probably shouldn't be hanging out in the city wearing a Greek soldier's uniform, so he hides behind some convenient bushes, and Vicki heads back to the palace, all casual like. Her absence hasn't gone unnoticed by Cassandra, obviously, and while all the male members of the Priam family are totally cool with Vicki's explanation of where she was, Cassandra assigns Katarina to be with her literally all the time; Vicki can't really come up with an excuse as to why that would not be cool. (Troilus thinks of threesomes and smiles.)

Inside the Horse of Destruction (which is a fabulous name for an episode and I support it fully), the Doctor is starting to realise just how much of a tit Odysseus actually is.

ODYSSEUS: I was thinking, Doctor, that with any luck, either Agamemnon or Achilles will not come through.
DOCTOR: You mean they'll desert us, hmm?
ODYSSEUS: No, die. Just a hope. One less finger in the pie, a greater share of the booty for me.
DOCTOR: Are you... you cannot be serious. You actually cannot be that much of a douchecanoe. It is not possible.

The two of them have a pretty heated argument, wherein the Doctor demands to be let out of the horse, and Odysseus puts a sword to his throat. The Doctor backs down.

Over in Priam Palace, Vicki (and Katarina) have found Troilus, and ask if he would be a dear and leave the city. Troilus, puzzled, asks why, and Vicki tells him that Diomede (Steven) is DEFINITELY out on the plain and Troilus DEFINITELY needs to go out and recapture him so he can have, like, honour and that.

TROILUS: Dude you seem way too concerned about this Diomede guy. What's with that.
VICKI: He's just a friend! I'm single! Single and available!
TROILUS: If he's your friend why do you want him captured by Trojans?
VICKI: Ummm.
TROILUS: ...
VICKI: Did I mention that I'm single and I really don't want you to get hurt and I think you have a cute smile?
TROILUS: *__*


So Troilus heads out onto the plains and who should he stumble upon but ACHILLES, the dorky guy who thought the Doctor was Zeus incarnate. Only, Achilles killed Troilus's brother, so it's kind of expected that the two of them need to, like, fight to the death. So that happens. And Troilus wins. But before he dies, Achilles lets slip that Diomede is the name of a dude who died WEEKS ago, and Troilus is all confused because why would his darling Cressida LIE to him?

Troilus's troubles of the heart are soon dwarfed by Troy's troubles of the being set on fire by the Greeks, who have left the horse and let a couple hundred more soldiers in through the city gates. Shit is definitely being fucked up and Cassandra is as smug as hell.

All is not terrible, though! Vicki (and Karatina) and the Doctor are REUNITED! Vicki does not mess around, and immediately sends Katarina to where Steven is hiding with instructions to bring him to her temple (the TARDIS), and drags the Doctor right in there herself, despite his protestations. As Steven is dressed as a Greek soldier and does not fight like one, he has been pretty badly hurt by a bunch of Trojans, so Katarina, like, hauls him over her shoulder and leads him over to the TARDIS. The female characters are so damn badass in Classic Who, I will give them that.

Oh man, okay. So during the episodes with no footage (all of season 3, so far), often there'll be these title cards just telling you the information that can't be shown with just pictures and the audio file. This is the one that just showed up on screen and I am NOT OKAY WITH THIS.


PARIS. MY BABY. YOU ARE TOO YOUNG AND CUTE TO DIE. I LOVE YOU. YOU DESERVED A BETTER ENDING. COME BACK. :(

Not okay. So very not okay.

Moving reluctantly on with the action, Vicki slips out of the TARDIS just before Katarina arrives with Steven, and inside the palace, Odysseus is being a dick (duh) to Cassandra, who is not holding back with her insults. Odysseus has her sent off to Agamemnon's crib and heavily implies that untoward things are going to be done to her. I hope she escapes.

Odysseus THEN makes his way to the TARDIS to try and claim it as the spoils of war. The Doctor argues with him for a while, then laughs, shuts the doors, and dematerialises. Odysseus wonders if maybe the Doctor was actually Zeus the whole time. I wonder what the Doctor is playing at as Vicki is not inside the TARDIS and the Doctor can't steer the TARDIS and if I lose both Vicki and Paris in one episode I don't know what I'm going to do with myself.

My darling Vicki finds Troilus lying wounded on the plains and they have a conversation in which Vicki tells him that it's 'just the two of them now'. C'mon, Vicki, baby, don't do this to me.

Inside the TADRIS, which is god-knows-where in time and space (I haven't given up hope that it's just a second out of sync or something), Steven is all delirious. Also, Katarina is there, which is something I had overlooked. Steven is panicking pretty hard about Vicki not being in the console room with them, and I realise just how much I loved their friendship. Come ON, Vicki, your stupid Trojan boyfriend is not worth all this heartache!

Katarina, because she is in the TARDIS and she is from several hundred years before the birth of Christ, assumes that, whoops, she's dead now and this is a weird afterlife with a weird god who calls himself the Doctor. The Doctor... plays along?

DOCTOR: My dear child, you're not dead! That's nonsense, hmm?
KATARINA: This is not Troy. This is not even the world. This is the Journey through the Beyond.
DOCTOR: Well, as you wish...
KATARINA: Thank you.
DOCTOR: Yes, yes, as you wish, my child. Now I want you to keep an eye on that young man, hmm?
KATARINA: Yes, great god.
DOCTOR: Could probs get used to this, not gonna lie.

The Doctor remembers that they kind of need to stop at a Boots or something, because Steven's in pretty bad shape and the TARDIS doesn't have a First Aid kit, and then the episode ENDS.


It ends WITHOUT VICKI IN THE TARDIS.

NOPE. NO THANK YOU.

NOPE.

Moosh

The Myth Makers Part 3/4: Death of a Spy

Part three of the Surprisingly Good Saga of Greeks Versus Trojans! I'm watching this episode on a train, so I hope the Doctor reigns in his obnoxiousness a little bit. Normally I yell in frustration when he does something stupid at least three times per episode.

Cassandra, daughter to King Priam and sister to Adorable Paris, has just set a bunch of Trojan guards on Vicki and Steven, because Steven was masquerading as a Greek soldier and Vicki greeted him like her long-lost homie when he was brought in. However! Adorable Paris steps in to save the day and gets all attractive and dominant.

PARIS: I am at present the officer commanding all Trojan forces and I will not tolerate interference from a fortune-teller of notorious unreliability!
CASSANDRA: How dare you?! I am High Priestess of Troy!
PARIS: All right then, get back to your temple before you give us all galloping religious mania! Oh really, Father, I can't tolerate another of her tedious tirades at the moment.
CASSANDRA: Father, do you hear him?!
PRIAM: Wow, suddenly I have a new favourite kid. I'm on Team Paris, soz, Cassie.

So Vicki and Steven are no longer in danger of imminent death, but that does still leave the problem of Vicki knowing the future and being familiar with the Greek prisoner. Priam decides to give her a chance; he'll give her one day to ensure the Trojan victory over the Greeks, which is the same deal that Odysseus gave the Doctor over at the Greek camp, so either way one of them is screwed. But as the Doctor is pitching the idea of a human catapult to the Greeks - seriously - well, I mean. I know which side I think is going to win. (Hint: it's not the Greeks.)


During Vicki's intense plotting for the salvation of Troy, Priam decides that Vicki would be most comfortable in the dungeons with a cell next to Steven's. The two of them fret over their situation for a while, and then, gosh! Cyclops appears at the window! I mean, immediately I wonder why Cyclops hasn't just sneaked in and opened the Trojan city gates to the Greek soldiers before now, but plot holes schmot holes. Steven begins to tell Cyclops what the deal is with the Trojan plan, but Troilus, Paris's little brother, appears to give Vicki some food and catches him. Steven plays it cool ("Just admiring the view!") but by the time Troilus has finished flirting with Vicki and left (which takes an awful long time, a fact that Steven does not hesitate to mock Vicki about, which endears him to me greatly), Cyclops has disappeared.

Meanwhile, the Doctor has realised that his human catapult idea isn't actually all that great. Odysseus gets annoyed and demands to hear something from him ASAP, otherwise there's going to be a very dead former-Zeus knocking around pretty soon. The Doctor is all, "Umm... a giant... wooden horse?" and Odysseus responds with, "Omg OKAY." So that's a plan they now have.

Oh, Cyclops is back! And the Trojans kill him. So. That little subplot didn't really amount to much.

In an astonishingly short amount of time, the giant horse has been built! The Doctor, who has been made to get inside it with the soldiers, keeps trying to stall the attack with concerns about the fetlocks and the left phalange, but Odysseus shuts him up by telling him he's making him "as nervous as a Bacchante at her first orgy". So. Can't argue with that.

The Trojans, as you might expect, totally fall for the Greeks' plan and wheel that bad boy right on in. Priam is terribly pleased about the Greeks' apparent disappearance and blames it all on Vicki bringing them good luck, a fact that Cassandra is pretty pissed about. Vicki, for her part, is torn between wanting to seem cool to the king, and also wanting to tell them that maybe they actually shouldn't be too happy about the giant horse they just stumbled upon.

Cassandra is flipping her shit at Vicki's troubled mutterings, and Paris is hilariously unsympathetic to his sister's distress.

CASSANDRA: Woe to the House of Priam! Woe to the Trojans!
PARIS: I'm afraid you're a bit late to say 'whoa' to the horse; I've just given instructions to have it brought into the city.
PRIAM: LOL
TROILUS: LOL
VICKI: LOL
CASSANDRA: I hate everything.


End of part three! Only one more episode of good stuff before we hit a twelve-parter DALEK EPISODE. Looking forward to THAT. (Sigh.)

Moosh

The Myth Makers Part 2/4: Small Prophet, Quick Return

So in the last episode, the TARDIS landed just outside Troy in the year Something BC. The Doctor met some Greeks who thought the Doctor was the great god Zeus, and then met some more Greeks who thought he definitely was not. Cyclops is here, but he's a skinny dude with an eyepatch, Achilles is here, but he's another skinny dude that the other Greeks laugh at, and Vicki is here, but she is inside the TARDIS and the TARDIS has disappeared. Also everyone wants to kill Steven.

Soooo after the shocking report that Zeus's temple (the TARDIS) has vanished, Agamemnon (guy in charge), Odysseus (the local knob), the Doctor (incompetent Gallifreyan), Cyclops (aforementioned skinny dude), and Steven (loveable idiot) with his guards (assorted Greeks) go outside to see what the deal is.

I mean, as Cyclops explained pretty well, the deal is that the TARDIS isn't there any more.

GREEKS: Well 'Zeus', it looks like your 'temple' isn't here any more. How about that 'lightening bolt' to kill this Trojan spy that you have 'never met before' to prove that you are who you say you are?
DOCTOR: Ah.

So he admits that he is not Zeus! And then Agamemnon decrees that in that case he needs to be killed. So. Not a great plan, as plans go. Hashtag incompetent Gallifreyan.

The TARDIS, it turns out, has been kidnapped by the Trojans. Well, one Trojan in particular - Paris, son of another king (Priam) and brother to Hector, the guy Achilles killed at the start of the last episode. Paris went to the Grecian camp to avenge his brother, but Achilles fled, so Paris brought this shrine-type-thing back to impress his father, whose reaction upon seeing the TARDIS was something along the lines of "... well, what am I supposed to do with that?"

Oh, and there's some more good dialogue! This time between Paris and his sister, Cassandra.

PARIS: Can't we just leave it where it is for the moment?
PRIAM: In the middle of the square?
PARIS: Yes - I mean, it could be a sort of, er... a sort of... a monument.
CASSANDRA: A monument to what?
PARIS: Well, to my initiative, for instance. After all, it is the first sizeable trophy we've captured since the war started. Probably turn out to be very useful.
CASSANDRA: What sort of use would you suggest?
PARIS: Hah, what sort of use! Well... I mean. Don't quite know, actually.
CASSANDRA: Dumbass.

I like Paris. Because the first ep of the serial was from the Greeks' point of view, I feel like I'm not supposed to side with the Trojans, but. I mean, I kind of am. Tentatively Team Trojan.

Cassandra seems to think that the TARDIS is a trap laid by the Greeks; it was on Grecian territory and unguarded so it's suspicious. Paris argues that his sister is a crazy person. Cassandra ain't taking none of his bullshit.


The Trojans conclude that they might as well burn the TARDIS anyway, as a sacrifice to THEIR gods, and if there happens to be a Greek soldier inside, well, all the better! Vicki, who has been listening to the conversation on the TARDIS scanners, panics a little, and rushes straight to the wardrobe so she can dress appropriately for her death by sacrificial flame.

Paris gets a little nervous about burning the TARDIS without consulting the gods first, so Cassandra calls out for a sign from the gods to make sure they're doing the right thing. And lo and behold, Vicki steps out of the TARDIS and is met with suspicion from everyone except Paris, because hello - Paris is adorable.

CASSANDRA: She's some drab of Agamemnon's, sent to spread dissension!
VICKI: I'm nothing of the sort!
PARIS: Of course you're not. I can tell.

King Priam takes over and starts interrogating Vicki. He thinks the name 'Vicki' is a bit silly, so he calls her Cressida, and invites her inside for tea and scones, before shooing Paris back outside the city gates so he can properly avenge his brother. Paris leaves reluctantly, but not before being adorable and stuttery at Vicki and a ship begins to grow in my heart. Though I just looked up Paris and Cressida on Wikipedia and spoiler warning - nope. :(

Odysseus, who actually believed Steven and the Doctor's story and has freed them on the condition that they help him lay a siege on Troy, is pressuring them to come up with a plan. Steven suggests maybe a giant wooden horse might do the trick, but the Doctor scoffs and tells him he's stupid. A bit miffed, Steven figures he might as well go try and rescue Vicki, seeing as nobody is listening to him. The Doctor and Odysseus agree that Steven is not much use, so they dress him up in a Greek soldier uniform and send him out to confront Paris so he can be taken captive and get inside the Trojan city.

So Steven meets up with Paris and the two of them awkwardly fight one another for a bit until Steven yields to Paris's masterful swordsmanship. He manages to convince Paris that taking him prisoner would bring great honour to Troy, so the two of them head off to the city. (Steven has to remind Paris to pick up his sword from where he'd dropped it. I discover that I can ship Paris with pretty much anyone.)

Paris takes Steven directly into the palace where Vicki is trying desperately not to tell Priam about any horse-related stories she may or may not have heard. Priam is once again unimpressed by Paris's excellent capturing abilities, but reluctantly agrees to question the prisoner. Steven is brought in, and Vicki totally gives the game away by being all, "Steven! What up, bro!"

Cassandra, who was lurking in the background, takes this as proof that both of them are GREEK SHITS and sets a bunch of guards on them. Steven and Vicki, who brought this on themselves by being uncool and the opposite of smooth, are suddenly surrounded by sexy Trojan men. Both of them are quite overcome. Cassandra is a little envious.


Aaaaand end music! Man, I gotta say, I'm really liking The Myth Makers. I'd recommend that if you were to watch any serial of One's, it'd be this one, but also it is made up of audio and still images rather than any actual footage, so. (If you do want to go watch some lesser-shit episodes with footage, my favourites so far are, I think, Planet of the Giants, where the TARDIS and its inhabitants are shrunk down to TINY SIZE, and The Rescue, where they first meet Vicki, both from season 2.)

See you soon with more Myth Makery goodness and hopefully lots more Paris. :D

Moosh

The Myth Makers Part 1/4: Temple of Secrets

Straight into title music! Maybe THIS is an episode with footage! Are you excited because I'm excited. OoEEooooo!

The TARDIS materialises next to two dudes having a fight - Achilles and Hector! A Greek and a Trojan! I'm going to go right ahead and admit I Googled that; the only thing I know about Achilles is that heel thing wot he's got. I have friends with Classics degrees who will disown me for that, but yeah, I'm flying blind on this one.

... okay, yeah. There's no footage. Ah well. We'll soldier on. (Get it? Soldier. I'm really funny.)



Inside the TARDIS, the Doctor, Vicki and Steven are watching the fight play out on the scanners.

STEVEN: Why do you suppose they fight?
DOCTOR: I haven't the remotest idea, my boy. No doubt their reasons will be entirely adequate. Yes, I think I...perhaps I'd better go and ask them where we are.

DOCTOR YOU ARE REALLY DUMB WHEN YOU LOOK LIKE WILLIAM HARTNELL.

While the Doctor is being obnoxious to the companions, outside the TARDIS Achilles and Hector are still fighting. Hector (the Trojan) starts insulting Achilles' gods (you know, Zeus and his posse) and pretty much shouts out, "COME ON THEN, ZEUS, IF YOU THINK YOU'RE HARD ENOUGH." Cue clap of thunder and the Doctor. Hector shits himself a little bit. Achilles takes advantage of this and stabs him in the chest.

And then follows some of the funniest dialogue I've seen on Old!Who. Achilles obviously assumes that the Doctor is Zeus, and the Doctor, comfortingly true to the character I'm familiar with from the series reboot, plays along.

DOCTOR: And who might you be, may I ask?
ACHILLES: Achilles. Mightiest of warriors, greatest in battle, humblest of your servants.
DOCTOR: Well, if I may say so, you're not very humble, are you?

Fantastic. The Doctor then asks about Hector, and Achilles assures him that he deserved to die for blaspheming against the gods of Greece. (The Doctor's response: "Blasphemy? I'm sure he didn't mean it.") Achilles then acknowledges the elephant in the room - the Doctor definitely does not look like Zeus, king of gods; he looks like a crazy old man with a walking stick.

ACHILLES: If you had appeared to me in your true form, I would have been blinded by your radiance. It is well known that when you come amongst us you adopt many different forms. To Europa, you appeared as a bull. To Leda, as a swan. To me... in the guise of an old beggar.
DOCTOR: I beg your pardon?! I do nothing of the kind!
ACHILLES: Oh, but still your glory shines through!
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, damn right. You best watch your mouth, boy, or I'll pop a lightening bolt in yo' ass.

The Doctor tries to go back into the TARDIS, but Achilles stops him. They need help with laying a siege on Troy, or something. The Doctor doesn't reeeeally want to walk away from his spaceship because, like, he ain't actually a Greek god, but Achilles is pretty insistent. Vicki and Steven watch them walk away on the TARDIS scanners; Steven goes to change into a Greek costume. I am not even kidding.

The Doctor and Achilles run into some guys on their way to the city. One of them is Odysseus (King of Ithaca, Google tells me - I don't know what an Ithaca is but it sounds important) and Odysseus has a pretty fantastic time mocking both Achilles and the Doctor, whom he doesn't believe for a second is the almighty Zeus. Which is understandable. As he is not.

He also finds the idea of the TARDIS being Zeus's temple pretty laughable.

ODYSSEUS: The temple of Zeus, you say? A trifle modest, is it not, for so powerful a god?
DOCTOR: ... This is my travelling temple.

That was the actual dialogue. I am LOVING this episode, goddamn.

The Doctor, suspecting his flawless cover story isn't as infallible as he'd hoped, makes another attempt to go back to the TARDIS. Odysseus laughs at him and says that if he really is Zeus, they need him for the Troy problem they've got, and if he isn't, then he's been skulking around on their territory and they're gonna want to know why, so he doesn't really have a choice but to go with them. And by that I mean the Greeks literally carried him off on their shoulders. Steven sees this on the scanners and sneakily follows them. Vicki stays in the TARDIS (because apparently she has a sprained ankle? I don't remember that happening but okay).

CUT TO two new characters, Agamemnon (king of Mycenae) and Menelaus (king of Sparta. Idk why there are so many kings all hanging out together, but that's cool. It's a gather(k)ing. A king-regation. A king-ference. They're... having a meet(k)ing?). And, seriously, I'm going to have to stop just quoting all the dialogue but this shit is so good.

AGAMEMNON: Now, you drink too much, Menelaus. I've told you about it before. Try to remember that you're my brother, can't you?
MENELAUS: One of the reasons I drink, Agamemnon, is to forget that I am your brother.
AGAMEMNON: What's the matter with you, man? Don't you want to get Helen back? Don't you want to see your wife again?
MENELAUS: Quite frankly, no. If you must know, I was heartily glad to see the back of her.

Okay that was my last indiscriminate copying of dialogue, I promise. I just don't want anyone to miss out on the unexpected quality of this episode's writing because it is pretty damn great.

Back to the action, though: Achilles had run ahead to Agamemnon (who I figure is in charge) and told him that Odysseus has kidnapped Little Old Man Zeus. Agamemnon isn't really prepared to take the risk that the Doctor actually is Zeus, so he goes to find Odysseus to sort this mess out. The Doctor tries to convince everyone of his godliness by showing off his 'supernatural knowledge'; he tells Agamemnon that his wife is cheating on him. (Which, iturns out, everyone but Agamemnon knew that already.)

Even despite the Doctor's very convincing arguments, the Greeks are still a mite suspicious, so they strike a compromise of keeping the Doctor under friendly arrest, just in case he's actually not the god of sky, thunder, and beards. The Doctor can't figure out a way to make them change their minds, so he sits down and has some lunch.

Meanwhile, Odysseus is having a chat with Cyclops who, distressingly, isn't an actual giant, merely a dude with an eyepatch. Turns out, Cyclops saw Steven emerging from Zeus's Phone Box Travel Temple© and figured that maybe the little blue box actually isn't a holy place of worship. Steven, adorable as he is, isn't blessed with the wisest of heads on his shoulders, and he stumbles right into Odysseus as soon as Cyclops leaves.

Odysseus hauls Steven straight over to Agamemnon and the Doctor. Both Steven and the Doctor pretend like they don't know each other, but that leaves Steven sneaking around the Greeks' camp without the excuse of being an all-powerful deity.

ODYSSEUS: All-seeing Zeus, you see into our very hearts and know their secrets?
DOCTOR: Quite so.
ODYSSEUS: Then is this man a spy?
DOCTOR: I do not know, and I do not care.
ODYSSEUS: Shall he then be put to death?
DOCTOR: I think it would be much safer on the whole.
STEVEN: See, I'm completely innoce-- wait, what?

But of course, the Doctor has a plan - he'll kill the Trojan spy himself, tomorrow at his Travel Temple, with a bolt from heaven! Then the spy dies and he proves that he's actually Zeus and everyone wins.

Oh, but, hang on a sec, Cyclops is back. Turns out, Zeus's Travel Temple? It has disappeared! CUE END MUSIC.


That was not the end screen, but it was close enough to the end that I feel justified putting here. Is that not the face of the vengeful king of Mount Olympus, I ask you? Does that widdle bottom lip not strike fear into the hearts of mortals?

No. Of course it doesn't.

Moosh

Galaxy 4 Part 4/4: The Exploding Planet

Recap: the Rills are cool but can only breathe ammonia, the Drahvins are not so much morally ambiguous as they are cold and murderous, Steven is stuck in an airlock sans air with the choice of suffocating or surrendering to Maaga the Duchess of Sexytown, and the Doctor and Vicki are chillaxin' outside Sexy Drahvin HQ with a couple Chumblies and a sexy Drahvin who doesn't know wtf is going on. And also the planet's going to explode in a few hours because of reasons.

So, Maaga and her sexy cronies are on the inside of Sexy Drahvin HQ when boom, the Chumblies throw an ammonia bomb at them to distract them while they shoot open the door to the airlock. Steven stumbles out and the Doctor and Vicki are somewhat concerned because, as well as the oxygen deprivation, Steven seems to be suffering from Chronic Blurring of Face, the infamous alien disease.


This is, understandably, very distressing for them. While the TARDIS crew are familiarising themselves with Steven's new and unfortunate lack of facial features, the Rills start a dialogue of trash talk with the sexy Drahvins.

RILL VIA CHUMBLEYCOM: Maaga, you will take your soldiers back into the ship, and you will stay there. Until now we have spared you, although you have attacked us time and time again. But we will always defend our friends.
MAAGA: Friends!
RILL VIA CHUMBLEYCOM: We will prevent any attempt on your part to leave the ship. I am resolute. Now go back into your spaceship.
MAAGA: You have polluted the air with your bomb!
RILL VIA CHUMBLEYCOM: Ner ner ner ner ner, you smell of cat pee!

The TARDIS crew head back to the Rill base and decide that, as they have only six hours before Shit Goes Down™, they best get a move on with the 'powering the Rill ship by TARDIS juice' plan they have. So, the Doctor and Vicki head back out onto the planet to the TARDIS and leave Steven with the Rill so he can recover from his blurry face some more. (It's getting better, but it's still not quite there.)


There's a hilarious awkward silence between Steven and the Rill, and then Steven makes it VERY clear that he doesn't think much of the Rills' motives for saving him. You've spent too much time around the crazy sexy Drahvins, Steven. Not all aliens want to kill you, I promise. The Rills, because they are adorable, assure Steven that even if their ship doesn't get fixed, they'll let the TARDIS crew go because the Doctor "travels further than they can" and "everything he has shown he stands for is what they believe in." Which sounds cute but the things the Doctor has shown he stands for include mass murder and being generally incompetent. Steven, however, is overcome with the urge to cuddle these hideous creatures, and offers to help fix the Rills' power cable. The Rills accept, and the footage cuts away before Steven can express his lustful feelings for yet another alien species.

The Doctor and Vicki arrive safely at the TARDIS, and Vicki is getting worried about the imminent destruction of the planet, because it's starting to get dark. The Doctor assures her that they've still got about five hours left, and also soothes her fears about the coming explosion.

VICKI: Strange to think that at dawn all this will explode into nothing.
DOCTOR: No, not just nothing, child. Hydrogen gas that springs itself out like molten silver against the other stars in the same galaxy. Hmm.
VICKI: Wow, for a doctor, your bedside manner is really, REALLY bad.

While all this is going on, the Drahvins are still plotting to steal the Rills' spaceship and kill everything. They've already taken out the Chumbley standing guard outside Sexy Drahvin HQ, and now Maaga and her underlings are questing out into the wilderness (or out into the few hundred metres that seems to separate the Drahvins from the Rills) to get shit done. The alarm on the now-defunct Chumbley outside Sexy Drahvin HQ alerts everyone at Rill Base about this; the Doctor's advice is to not worry about it and just stay chill for the couple hours it's going to take to get the Rill ship working again.

Suddenly, Drahvins. (Steven's brilliant reaction: "Well, they don't waste time, do they?") A Chumbley manages to paralyse the one threatening them, then they all go take cover in the main Rill's room. Turns out, the Rills? Not sexy.


Thirty minutes to planetary destruction! And the sexy Drahvins are getting a bit frantic because they can't get past the Chumbley guard to the Rill base. But it's good news for the Rills: their spaceship is fully charged! Things are looking up! The plan now is for the Rills to high-tail it out of there ASAP and the TARDIS crew to take a Chumbley guard to get them across the planet and vworp the frick away.

The Rill ship takes off! Hell yeah! This angers the sexy Drahvins and, with a crazed look in their sexy eyes, they turn to the TARDIS as their only means of escape. You're probably better off on the planet, sexy Drahvins, you can't even choose where you want to go in that thing. Maaga, Heiress to the Fortune of Sexiness, pulls out her sexy weapon but the Chumbley is on the case and zaps the sexy Drahvins until they fall over and then it points at them and laughs.

Then, boom. The trio are safely in the TARDIS and they make it off the planet without any further fuss. We get to see a shot of Planet Time Bomb very scientifically living up to its name by blowing up right on time. Because of science. Steven only pines for the Drahvins a little. 

Vicki takes a peek at the TARDIS scanner and sees that they've materialised orbiting this other (hopefully non-exploding) planet.

"Look at that planet," says she. "I wonder what's going on down there."

"Yes," the Doctor responds. "Yes, I wonder. Hmm?"

This can only be foreshadowing, am I right? How exciting.


Holding out for actual footage in the next serial. How good would that be.

Moosh

Galaxy 4 Part 3/4: Air Lock

So here's where we're at: the Doctor and Vicki have creeped onto Rill territory. They're in a room with a spaceship and a broken Chumbley robot, and this weird monster thing has appeared at the window and is almost definitely not cool with them hanging out on his turf.

But alas! More peril! A Chumbley appears and chases them down a corridor. A corridor which - gasp! - ends in a locked door! BUT WAIT. On the wall there's a machine that converts air into ammonia (cat pee)! The Doctor does some Time Lord maths and figures out that

(robots that go outside for them) x (machine to convert air into ammonia)
=
the Rills CAN'T BREATHE AIR omg

So obviously because he is a kind and loving Time Lord, he thinks it'll be funny to break the machine that converts air to ammonia and allows the Rills to breathe. While he's working on suffocating dozens of creatures without ever speaking to them, two Chumblies chumble on over to take Vicki somewhere. Weirdly, she's not up for following these machines of wedding cakey death, but the Doctor urges her to do it so that he has more time to murder everything.

Vicki's taken back to the room where she saw the creepy thing peering in the window. The Chumblies beep some weird alien shit at her, to which she responds, "God can you just speak English please you losers," (I'm paraphrasing) and then cool! They do!

A bit of light-hearted interrogation follows, in which it is revealed that the Rills have offered to take the Drahvins with them in their ship so NOBODY gets blown up by the Absolutely Scientific Time-Bomb Planet. Vicki is confused, because the Drahvins told her that the Rills hated them and surely nobody that sexy could LIE.


Turns out, the Rills are basically just intergalactic Hufflepuffs (called it) and the whole Drahvin/Rill 'they killed one of us!' thing was a massive accident caused by the sexy Drahvins shooting the crap out of the Rills and the Rills getting in a hit in retaliation and then both of them crashing onto Planet Time-Bomb. (Technically it wasn't even the Rills' shot that killed the Drahvin; one of them was injured by the crash and the Rills tried to help them, but the Drahvins chased them away and Maaga shot the injured one to save herself the trouble of healing her.)

Vicki is getting on well with the Rill (who is using the Chumbley as a thought-to-speech walkie talkie because the Rills don't have vocal chords, and also he refuses to let Vicki see his full body because it would "not be pleasant" to humans, yeah, I know where you're coming from there, bro) when she remembers that oh shit! There's a crazy Time Lord working to smother them all with oxygen!

Meanwhile in Sexy Drahvin land, Steven has had enough of all the sexual frustration that the HQ has to offer. He knocks out the Drahvin who is standing guard over him, nicks her gun and heads for the door. Thing is, there's a Chumbley right outside, and he has seen those things explode shrubbery so he knows they are not to be messed with. He's then stuck between a wedding cake and a sexy place, because Maaga has appeared and is smirking at him in her alluringly evil way. What do, Steven? Well I don't know yet, because we're back with the Doctor's light-hearted mechanical tomfoolery and racial cleansing.

VICKI: Heyyy Doctor hello, um, don't do that, the Rills are cool.
RILL VIA CHUMBLEYCOM: Yo, we heard you got a dude in Drahvin HQ?
DOCTOR: Omg is that a Rill speaking via Chumbleycom?
VICKI: Yep!
DOCTOR: HELLO? CAN - YOU - HEAR - ME?
VICKI: They're not deaf.
DOCTOR: What?
RILL VIA CHUMBLEYCOM: We're not deaf.
DOCTOR: Oh.

By reminding the Doctor that the Rills could have shot them ages ago with their Chumbley death machines, Vicki and the Rill convince him to step away from his work on the Mechanism of Mass Suffocation.

The Doctor does so and only acts a little embarrassed about his cold-hearted murder plot. To make amends he offers the Rill the information that the planet is going to explode in a couple days' time and the Rills need to hurry their shit up. But alas, the Rills thought they had two weeks and so are not ready for imminent detonation of the ground. The Doctor still feels a little guilty though and so he offers his TARDIS powers to help the Rills get out of there. Everybody wins! Except Steven, who is still trapped in a weird nightmare/wet dream crossover.

Speaking of which, Steven is currently trapped in an airlock - hey, it's the title of the episode! - between the outside, where the Chumbley is, and the inside, where the sexy evil Drahvins are. He thinks it's all cool, because while he's trapped in there neither of them can harm him, but then Maaga starts emptying all the air out of it, which he should have seen coming, really. She tells him he has three options:

1. Stay in the airlock. Pros: No one will shoot him. Cons: Death.
2. Open the door and go outside. Pros: That's the opposite direction to the crazy lady with the gun. Cons: Probable death by robot wedding cake.
3. Surrender to the Drahvins. Pros: They're really hot. Cons: Probable death and sexual frustration.

He decides to wait it out.

The Chumbley outside the airlock sends a message about this to the Rills, who pass on the information to Vicki and the Doctor that their friend is about to suffocate (which is a kind of poetic justice, when you think about what the Doctor was trying to do to the Rills not TEN MINUTES BEFORE). The Doctor is extremely distressed when he hears this. He can barely hold himself together.


Such emotion. It's overwhelming. Vicki and the Doctor grab a couple of Chumblies in case they need to blow shit up, and head back on over to Sexy Drahvin HQ. A sexy Drahvin notices that they're followed by robots controlled by The Enemy and politely inquires as to why that is. Vicki tells them that the Chumblies are controlled by them now and makes a Chumbley do a little dance to prove it.

But after Vicki's demonstration of power and dominance (weird how that would work on the Drahvins, right), Sexy Dravhin 1 is convinced and lets them through to see what's happening with ol' Stevey Baby.

I mean, it's not looking well for for him. He's pretty much entirely out of air, and he tried the button to let him outside where there is oxygen and only probable death, and, whoops, the pressure is too low in the airlock, the door won't open.

AH JEEZ and there's the end music!


Mannnn, this is getting tense! Will the sexy Drahvins stop being crazy and killing everything? Will we ever get an explanation of why the planet is going to explode? Will Steven make it out alive? And more importantly will he ever get laid? So many questions left unanswered! Next episode better be good, man.

Moosh

Galaxy 4 Part 2/4: Trap of Steel

Last episode concluded with the bombshell that the planet on which the TARDIS crew, the sexy Drahvins and the Rills with their chumbley wedding cake robots are all currently residing is going to explode in two days. This is a scientific fact as tested with science. No explanation has been offered but I don't doubt that it is definitely true.

The Doctor and Steven are inside the TARDIS after carrying out their Scientific Tests and a Chumbley approaches with an Exploding Device. An Exploding Device which, despite not affecting the exterior of the TARDIS at all, throws the Doctor and Steven across the console room and there's a lot of heavy breathing and moaning as they right themselves. (There isn't any footage of this bit, so I'm assuming that's what the heavy breathing and moaning is about. Unless the BBC in the sixties was a lot more progressive than we give it credit for. At one point Steven genuinely says 'Oh, please, Doctor!', so I am beginning to doubt myself.)

The two of them decide to abandon ship ASAP before the Chumblies come and force them upon each other once more, and there's a bit more dramatic dialogue reminding us that there are only TWO DAWNS before shit goes down.

Meanwhile, in Sexy Drahvin HQ, Maaga is trying to seduce Vicki with food.

MAAGA: Are you sure you won't eat?
VICKI: No, thank you.
MAAGA: Mm... It's very good.
VICKI: You know what's very good? Not being on this dumb planet. Your sexy powers will not work on me, you very attractive alien lady, you.

Vicki is saved from further sexy attempts on her virtue by the timely arrival of the Doctor, who insults the Drahvins' spaceship, and Steven, who is probably hoping to get a slice of the seduction pie. The Doctor reveals that the Rills were correct and the planet is definitely going to explode, but assures Maaga that it's in two weeks, not two days. Steven plays it cool when he hears this so as not to give the game away.


Maaga, Priestess at the temple of Sexy, tries to use her feminine wiles to get the Doctor to help the Drahvins get their sexy selves out of there. The Doctor will give them a hand on the condition that the Rills are allowed to leave too. Maaga refuses this as the Rills are Evil and Bad, but as the Doctor has seen no evidence to support this claim (... apart from the fact that the Rill machines tried to blow up his ship, but we'll not mention that) he stands his ground.

Obviously, Maaga ain't takin' no shit from nobody, so she pulls out a sexy gun and aims it sexily at the Doctor, at which point Steven takes the opportunity to try and tackle her to the floor under the pretext of 'stopping her from killing his friend' or whatever. You're fooling no one, Steven.

It's all going well and Steven has nearly unhooked Maaga's bra (again, I'm guessing, as there is no footage) when two more sexy Drahvins appear and point their weapons at Steven. Understandably, Steven gets excited and backs off.

Maaga, newly armed with more sexy weapons, sets about intimidating the Doctor into helping her. Somewhere along the way, the Doctor gets pretty flustered by this and ends up admitting that the planet's going up in smoke in two days, not fourteen. Maaga is displeased. She tells the Doctor to go and capture the Rill spaceship right now and I swear to god this exchange happens.

DOCTOR: Oh, you have great faith in me, haven't you, hmm?
MAAGA: Yes I have, because I shall keep one of you here. I shall keep the girl!
STEVEN: Oh no, you won't. You'll keep me!

God, Steven. You need to be more cool.

The Doctor and Vicki head out to deal with the Rill business (and the Doctor casually mentions that because there are three suns, they actually have about two hours before their first day is over) and in Sexy Drahvin HQ we discover that the stuff Maaga was eating was 'food for leaders only', so, like, I'm becoming convinced that Maaga is kind of into Vicki. Steven is not allowed this special food.

The sexy Drahvins pull Maaga to one side and politely enquire as to why they haven't killed the non-sexy human male. Maaga mysteriously tells them that she'll let them kill him when she's 'good and ready', so. Dunno what's happening there. Probably something incredibly attractive and deeply sexual. But I'm just guessing.

Oh man and there's a fantastic interaction between the Doctor and Vicki. They reach the Rill ship and see loads of Chumblies patrolling outside.

VICKI: How are we going to get past them?
DOCTOR: Ah, yes, yes, that's quite a problem, my child, isn't it, hmm?
VICKI: You're telling me it is!
DOCTOR: Well, now don't lose patience, you see! Now look, in this case, first we must observe, note, collate, and then conclude. After that, perhaps we can act, hmm?
VICKI: You are the most useless Time Lord ever. You don't even have a sonic screwdriver. What are you.

Vicki takes charge and with some cunning rock-throwing action, discovers that the blind Chumblies can only hear things directly in front of them. The Doctor doesn't approve of her methods.

DOCTOR: You may appear to be right, but it's dangerous, and it's - it's very risky!
VICKI: That was no risk! I noted, observed, collated, concluded... and then I threw the rock!
DOCTOR: You're a little shit, you know that, right?

God, I love Vicki.

They find Rill HQ and see that there's some sort of drill rig next to it? The Doctor declares it to be "most impressive." Vicki describes it as "very temporary." I'm with the human on this one, Doctor.


They walk in and awkwardly make conversation about the size of the corridors. Something apparently smells weird but they dismiss it pretty quickly, which was foolish of them. It wouldn't have been scripted if it wasn't important! Gosh.

And then they find the spaceship! Hurrah! The Doctor seems to really like it, as he whips his screwdriver out (just a normal screwdriver, not sonic) and starts trying to scratch it. Time Lords have weird customs, I don't even know, but apparently you know it's legit if you can't scratch the metal. Vicki ignores the Doctor's tomfoolery and has a revelation that the funny smell is in fact ammonia (so, cat pee). So that's cool.

They kick around the room they're in for a while, finding a little broken Chumbley which the Doctor makes fun of, when, gasp! A thing appears at the window! And then the end music plays, oh, curses. I bet you a tenner this creepy thing is a Rill, though.


Nowhere near as sexy as the Drahvins, right. That probably means that they're going to turn out to be a nice, harmless species while the Drahvins are horrible bitches who pick on them to feel better about themselves. Or maybe that's just my high school experience talking.

Moosh

Galaxy 4 Part 1/4: Four Hundred Dawns

This is one of those episodes that was lost to whatever crazy party the BBC held that destroyed a bunch of the Old!Who materials, so it starts off with Peter Purves, the guy who played Steven, sitting in the grounds of some stately home and doing a three-minute introduction into the camera. He warns us that there's pretty much no footage of this episode remaining so they've reconstructed it using set pictures and something that a fan filmed off the TV. This is going to be a pleasure, I can tell.

Good news! It is actually something a fan filmed off the TV! You can see the edges of the TV set in shot. Fantastic.


So the three intrepid explorers (the Doctor, Vicki and Steven, if you're not playing along at home) land on a planet. The TARDIS scanners tell them that there's absolutely no life out there, which puzzles the Doctor because the atmosphere is pretty kicking. Optimum levels of oxygen and radiation and all of the good stuff. However, the lucky viewer can see that there actually is something outside the TARDIS. It looks a bit like a robot wedding cake and is, apparently, blind. And it has a telepathic messaging system. Cool.

The robot wedding cake bumps into the TARDIS, because it's all blind and that, and tries to feel its way around to find out what this weird box thing is doing on its turf. The TARDIS inhabitants hear it and Vicki, because she is the most adorable thing in the whole world, says that it sounds like it has a 'chumbley movement'. Baby.

Heedless of the dangers of the robot wedding cake, the trio head outside to see what the deal is with this unknown planet. Steven can barely contain himself over there being three suns, Vicki nearly combusts with excitement when she sees some flowers and the Doctor ignores them both and tries to act clever by noting how quiet it is. But the impression of wisdom is thwarted once again by Hartnell not being able to say his lines properly and the 1960's not being able to do retakes.

DOCTOR: This silence reminds me of the planet... er... Xeros.
VICKI: You don't think we've jumped the time track again, do you?
DOCTOR: No. No, my dear, not again. Not again. But, uh... it's so quiet.
VICKI: Get your shit together, Doctor, you're supposed to know what you're doing, here.

And then Vicki spots the robot wedding cake! And she calls it a Chumbley after the way it moves. God, how so adorable, Vicki. It has this pipe thing sticking out between two of its tiers and that is apparently threatening enough that it scares the shit out of all three of them.


Oh, then it uses the pipe thing to explode a nearby bush. Okay, right, fair play. The Doctor is way too excited by this and happily lets himself be herded away by the robot wedding cake - or Chumbley, if you will - while two MYSTERIOUS WOMEN watch from behind a rock. No life on this planet, my arse.

The MYSTERIOUS WOMEN throw a net over the Chumbley and introduce themselves to the TARDIS crew as Drahvins. Steven tries to hit on them. Get in there, son.

The sexy Drahvins want to escort the Doctor, Vicki and Steven to their leader, whose name is Maaga. The Doctor is all up for it, Steven is too busy trying to look up the Drahvins' skirts to form an opinion (probably, there isn't any footage of this bit), but Vicki, because Vicki is sensible and wonderful, isn't a huge fan of the idea.

SEXY DRAHVIN 1: If you stay here, more machines will come. They will capture you and take you to the Rills.
DOCTOR: The Rills... are they the people that control these things, hmm?
SEXY DRAHVIN 2: They are not people.
SEXY DRAHVIN 1: They are things.
SEXY DRAHVIN 2: They crawl.
SEXY DRAHVIN 1: They murder.
VICKI: Murder?
SEXY DRAHVIN 2: They have already killed one of us.
DOCTOR: Oh, I should like to meet these Rills!
VICKI: Doctor I swear I have had it up to here with your bullshit.

Some more Chumblies appear and chase them all back to Sexy Drahvin HQ and it turns out that Maaga is this crazy dictator lady who has all the other sexy Drahvins scared shitless. Also they don't live on the planet that they're on, they come from this place called Drahva.

MAAGA: There are too many of us on Drahva.
STEVEN: All women?
MAAGA: Women?
DOCTOR: Yes, er. Feminine. Female.
MAAGA: Oh. We have a small number of men. As many as we need. The rest we kill.
DOCTOR: ... woah.
STEVEN: I have the weirdest boner right now.

Also, the planet that they're on? It's gonna explode in two weeks. Apparently. And the sexy Dhravins can't leave because the Rills broke their spaceship, so they're fighting these Rills so they can steal THEIR spaceship and GTFO.

Understandably, the Doctor questions the legitimacy of the 'this planet is defo gonna explode in two weeks' claim, which Maaga the Sexily Dominant acknowledges but has no way of testing.

THE DOCTOR: Hey! I have this spaceship of science, I could give it a go if you let us leave.
MAAGA: Well you can't ALL go.
VICKI: Because we're your prisoners, right?
MAAGA: Of course not! But if you see a Chumbley then you might DIE. One of you should stay here. Just to make sure that all of you are safe.
VICKI: This logic is not really working with me but I'd rather put as much distance as possible between Steven and these sexy crazy people. I'll stay.
STEVEN: Curses.

The Doctor and Steven make it back to the TARDIS to find a Chumbley already trying to get in. It doesn't have any luck, so it sends a message to its Chumbley buddies and chumbles away. The Doctor brags about his awesome security and he and Steven go inside.

After a little bit of Science, the Doctor declares that the Rills were right! The planet is going to explode! Shit! But ooh, plot twist: they don't have two weeks. They have two days! Dun dun dunnn! The Doctor puts on his best Shit Is Going To Go Down face in honour of the occasion and the adorable old theme tune plays them out.


See you on Wednesday with Part 2!

Moosh

Seasons 1 and 2 RECAP

Like I said in the introduction post, I've already watched the first two seasons of Classic Doctor Who. If I were blogging any other show, I'd probably go back and rewatch them, but as One's episodes are such a massive slog to get through, instead of blogging each episode of the first two seasons I'm just going to do a big old comprehensive recap of the important points.

So HERE'S WHAT YOU MISSED ON DOCTOR WHO:

The Doctor started off in England in 1963 with his granddaughter (I don't know either! It has not been explained!) whose name is Susan and who is, I think, also Gallifreyan but was enrolled in a muggle school in London because the TARDIS needed repairs, or something.

So one day, two of Susan's schoolteachers, Ian and Barbara, notice something weird about Susan so they follow her home because they are in fact teachers of the subjects of Inappropriate and Not Cool. They meet the Doctor and because the Doctor is a bit of an arse when he looks like William Hartnell, he has an argument with them and follows that up with some super funsies by trapping them all in the TARDIS and travelling to CAVEMAN TIMES.

I should also mention that One's TARDIS is a bit rubbish. Like, he can't control where it goes. If they dematerialise from somewhere, they just. Can't get back. It's a fact that the reboot Doctors are pretty bad at controlling where the TARDIS lands, but there's at least a little bit of steering involved. In 1963? Not so much. So Ian and Barbara were pretty screwed over by the Doctor, there. Like I said. Bit of an arse.

So Ian and Barbara and Susan and the Doctor don't really have any choice but to frolic about space and time for a while, meeting Daleks (because there is a Dalek episode in every. single. season) and rocking out at the French Revolution and, y'know. The usual shenanigans. That is, until season 2 where there's a DALEK EPISODE and Susan falls for this guy from Earth in 2164 and decides to stay with him instead of indulging in more TARDIS fun. Which is good, because Susan was like. Pretty shit. So.

She's quickly replaced by an Earth girl around the same age from the 25th century whose name is Vicki. Vicki is awesome and kickass and everything that Susan wasn't. The gang stays the same for five more serials until there's a DALEK EPISODE and they meet a new guy called Steven. (I've only seen him in one serial after said DALEK EPISODE, but he seems okay. I'm reserving judgement for now.)

Ian and Barbara nick off with some Dalek tech because the Daleks are advanced enough to have a time machine they can actually point in the direction they want to go, and they high-tail it back to sixties London where they belong. So that's where we are right now. The Doctor, Vicki, Steven and a broken TARDIS.

Oh, also, the last episode I watched (The Time Meddler), the Doctor met another Time Lord. And then trapped him in 1066. As someone who grew up with Nine's terrific woe about being the Last Of His Kind, and then Ten's magnificent chemistry with the Master following the revelation that He Was Not Alone, One's 'yeah you're a Time Lord but you're a bit annoying so I broke your TARDIS lol sucks to be you right now' attitude was really weird. But then again, One is, as I have mentioned, a bit of an arse.

This post was not an episode recap, I acknowledge, so one of those will be up before the weekend is out!

Keep those fragment links hotwired; I will see you soon.

Moosh