The Myth Makers Part 4/4: Horse of Destruction

So as things stand, the Greeks have managed to get a giant horse with shitloads of soldiers inside Troy, and even if you're as unfamiliar with Greek legends as I am, you probably know the gist of how this episode is going to play out. Or maybe not, I dunno, I haven't seen it yet. But before we do get into it, I'd like to share the fact that the original title for this serial, instead of 'The Myth Makers', was 'Is There A Doctor In This Horse?'
Bam. Day instantly improved 20%, am I right?

Cassandra is still feeling a little butthurt that her entire family likes Vicki (whom they all still know as 'Cressida', and who has stayed out on the balcony looking at the horse for a suspiciously long time) more than they like her, so she sends her handmaiden, Katarina, off to see what the deal is. But lol whoops, Vicki isn't on the balcony, she's gone down to the dungeons to let Steven out of his cell.

The two of them head out into the town square to have a look at the wooden horse. Vicki laughs at the shoddy nature of the horse's design, which, to say it was built in ONE DAY, isn't actually all that bad.


Steven happily returns jibes at how Troilus and Vicki are in luurrrrrve, and Vicki gets a little annoyed. Steven, adorably chastened, apologises and tells her that she should probably warn Troilus to leave Troy ASAP if she really likes him, because there are Greeks inside that thing and they're here to drink wine and fuck shit up. And they've just finished their wine.

Steven realises he probably shouldn't be hanging out in the city wearing a Greek soldier's uniform, so he hides behind some convenient bushes, and Vicki heads back to the palace, all casual like. Her absence hasn't gone unnoticed by Cassandra, obviously, and while all the male members of the Priam family are totally cool with Vicki's explanation of where she was, Cassandra assigns Katarina to be with her literally all the time; Vicki can't really come up with an excuse as to why that would not be cool. (Troilus thinks of threesomes and smiles.)

Inside the Horse of Destruction (which is a fabulous name for an episode and I support it fully), the Doctor is starting to realise just how much of a tit Odysseus actually is.

ODYSSEUS: I was thinking, Doctor, that with any luck, either Agamemnon or Achilles will not come through.
DOCTOR: You mean they'll desert us, hmm?
ODYSSEUS: No, die. Just a hope. One less finger in the pie, a greater share of the booty for me.
DOCTOR: Are you... you cannot be serious. You actually cannot be that much of a douchecanoe. It is not possible.

The two of them have a pretty heated argument, wherein the Doctor demands to be let out of the horse, and Odysseus puts a sword to his throat. The Doctor backs down.

Over in Priam Palace, Vicki (and Katarina) have found Troilus, and ask if he would be a dear and leave the city. Troilus, puzzled, asks why, and Vicki tells him that Diomede (Steven) is DEFINITELY out on the plain and Troilus DEFINITELY needs to go out and recapture him so he can have, like, honour and that.

TROILUS: Dude you seem way too concerned about this Diomede guy. What's with that.
VICKI: He's just a friend! I'm single! Single and available!
TROILUS: If he's your friend why do you want him captured by Trojans?
VICKI: Ummm.
TROILUS: ...
VICKI: Did I mention that I'm single and I really don't want you to get hurt and I think you have a cute smile?
TROILUS: *__*


So Troilus heads out onto the plains and who should he stumble upon but ACHILLES, the dorky guy who thought the Doctor was Zeus incarnate. Only, Achilles killed Troilus's brother, so it's kind of expected that the two of them need to, like, fight to the death. So that happens. And Troilus wins. But before he dies, Achilles lets slip that Diomede is the name of a dude who died WEEKS ago, and Troilus is all confused because why would his darling Cressida LIE to him?

Troilus's troubles of the heart are soon dwarfed by Troy's troubles of the being set on fire by the Greeks, who have left the horse and let a couple hundred more soldiers in through the city gates. Shit is definitely being fucked up and Cassandra is as smug as hell.

All is not terrible, though! Vicki (and Karatina) and the Doctor are REUNITED! Vicki does not mess around, and immediately sends Katarina to where Steven is hiding with instructions to bring him to her temple (the TARDIS), and drags the Doctor right in there herself, despite his protestations. As Steven is dressed as a Greek soldier and does not fight like one, he has been pretty badly hurt by a bunch of Trojans, so Katarina, like, hauls him over her shoulder and leads him over to the TARDIS. The female characters are so damn badass in Classic Who, I will give them that.

Oh man, okay. So during the episodes with no footage (all of season 3, so far), often there'll be these title cards just telling you the information that can't be shown with just pictures and the audio file. This is the one that just showed up on screen and I am NOT OKAY WITH THIS.


PARIS. MY BABY. YOU ARE TOO YOUNG AND CUTE TO DIE. I LOVE YOU. YOU DESERVED A BETTER ENDING. COME BACK. :(

Not okay. So very not okay.

Moving reluctantly on with the action, Vicki slips out of the TARDIS just before Katarina arrives with Steven, and inside the palace, Odysseus is being a dick (duh) to Cassandra, who is not holding back with her insults. Odysseus has her sent off to Agamemnon's crib and heavily implies that untoward things are going to be done to her. I hope she escapes.

Odysseus THEN makes his way to the TARDIS to try and claim it as the spoils of war. The Doctor argues with him for a while, then laughs, shuts the doors, and dematerialises. Odysseus wonders if maybe the Doctor was actually Zeus the whole time. I wonder what the Doctor is playing at as Vicki is not inside the TARDIS and the Doctor can't steer the TARDIS and if I lose both Vicki and Paris in one episode I don't know what I'm going to do with myself.

My darling Vicki finds Troilus lying wounded on the plains and they have a conversation in which Vicki tells him that it's 'just the two of them now'. C'mon, Vicki, baby, don't do this to me.

Inside the TADRIS, which is god-knows-where in time and space (I haven't given up hope that it's just a second out of sync or something), Steven is all delirious. Also, Katarina is there, which is something I had overlooked. Steven is panicking pretty hard about Vicki not being in the console room with them, and I realise just how much I loved their friendship. Come ON, Vicki, your stupid Trojan boyfriend is not worth all this heartache!

Katarina, because she is in the TARDIS and she is from several hundred years before the birth of Christ, assumes that, whoops, she's dead now and this is a weird afterlife with a weird god who calls himself the Doctor. The Doctor... plays along?

DOCTOR: My dear child, you're not dead! That's nonsense, hmm?
KATARINA: This is not Troy. This is not even the world. This is the Journey through the Beyond.
DOCTOR: Well, as you wish...
KATARINA: Thank you.
DOCTOR: Yes, yes, as you wish, my child. Now I want you to keep an eye on that young man, hmm?
KATARINA: Yes, great god.
DOCTOR: Could probs get used to this, not gonna lie.

The Doctor remembers that they kind of need to stop at a Boots or something, because Steven's in pretty bad shape and the TARDIS doesn't have a First Aid kit, and then the episode ENDS.


It ends WITHOUT VICKI IN THE TARDIS.

NOPE. NO THANK YOU.

NOPE.

Moosh

The Myth Makers Part 3/4: Death of a Spy

Part three of the Surprisingly Good Saga of Greeks Versus Trojans! I'm watching this episode on a train, so I hope the Doctor reigns in his obnoxiousness a little bit. Normally I yell in frustration when he does something stupid at least three times per episode.

Cassandra, daughter to King Priam and sister to Adorable Paris, has just set a bunch of Trojan guards on Vicki and Steven, because Steven was masquerading as a Greek soldier and Vicki greeted him like her long-lost homie when he was brought in. However! Adorable Paris steps in to save the day and gets all attractive and dominant.

PARIS: I am at present the officer commanding all Trojan forces and I will not tolerate interference from a fortune-teller of notorious unreliability!
CASSANDRA: How dare you?! I am High Priestess of Troy!
PARIS: All right then, get back to your temple before you give us all galloping religious mania! Oh really, Father, I can't tolerate another of her tedious tirades at the moment.
CASSANDRA: Father, do you hear him?!
PRIAM: Wow, suddenly I have a new favourite kid. I'm on Team Paris, soz, Cassie.

So Vicki and Steven are no longer in danger of imminent death, but that does still leave the problem of Vicki knowing the future and being familiar with the Greek prisoner. Priam decides to give her a chance; he'll give her one day to ensure the Trojan victory over the Greeks, which is the same deal that Odysseus gave the Doctor over at the Greek camp, so either way one of them is screwed. But as the Doctor is pitching the idea of a human catapult to the Greeks - seriously - well, I mean. I know which side I think is going to win. (Hint: it's not the Greeks.)


During Vicki's intense plotting for the salvation of Troy, Priam decides that Vicki would be most comfortable in the dungeons with a cell next to Steven's. The two of them fret over their situation for a while, and then, gosh! Cyclops appears at the window! I mean, immediately I wonder why Cyclops hasn't just sneaked in and opened the Trojan city gates to the Greek soldiers before now, but plot holes schmot holes. Steven begins to tell Cyclops what the deal is with the Trojan plan, but Troilus, Paris's little brother, appears to give Vicki some food and catches him. Steven plays it cool ("Just admiring the view!") but by the time Troilus has finished flirting with Vicki and left (which takes an awful long time, a fact that Steven does not hesitate to mock Vicki about, which endears him to me greatly), Cyclops has disappeared.

Meanwhile, the Doctor has realised that his human catapult idea isn't actually all that great. Odysseus gets annoyed and demands to hear something from him ASAP, otherwise there's going to be a very dead former-Zeus knocking around pretty soon. The Doctor is all, "Umm... a giant... wooden horse?" and Odysseus responds with, "Omg OKAY." So that's a plan they now have.

Oh, Cyclops is back! And the Trojans kill him. So. That little subplot didn't really amount to much.

In an astonishingly short amount of time, the giant horse has been built! The Doctor, who has been made to get inside it with the soldiers, keeps trying to stall the attack with concerns about the fetlocks and the left phalange, but Odysseus shuts him up by telling him he's making him "as nervous as a Bacchante at her first orgy". So. Can't argue with that.

The Trojans, as you might expect, totally fall for the Greeks' plan and wheel that bad boy right on in. Priam is terribly pleased about the Greeks' apparent disappearance and blames it all on Vicki bringing them good luck, a fact that Cassandra is pretty pissed about. Vicki, for her part, is torn between wanting to seem cool to the king, and also wanting to tell them that maybe they actually shouldn't be too happy about the giant horse they just stumbled upon.

Cassandra is flipping her shit at Vicki's troubled mutterings, and Paris is hilariously unsympathetic to his sister's distress.

CASSANDRA: Woe to the House of Priam! Woe to the Trojans!
PARIS: I'm afraid you're a bit late to say 'whoa' to the horse; I've just given instructions to have it brought into the city.
PRIAM: LOL
TROILUS: LOL
VICKI: LOL
CASSANDRA: I hate everything.


End of part three! Only one more episode of good stuff before we hit a twelve-parter DALEK EPISODE. Looking forward to THAT. (Sigh.)

Moosh

The Myth Makers Part 2/4: Small Prophet, Quick Return

So in the last episode, the TARDIS landed just outside Troy in the year Something BC. The Doctor met some Greeks who thought the Doctor was the great god Zeus, and then met some more Greeks who thought he definitely was not. Cyclops is here, but he's a skinny dude with an eyepatch, Achilles is here, but he's another skinny dude that the other Greeks laugh at, and Vicki is here, but she is inside the TARDIS and the TARDIS has disappeared. Also everyone wants to kill Steven.

Soooo after the shocking report that Zeus's temple (the TARDIS) has vanished, Agamemnon (guy in charge), Odysseus (the local knob), the Doctor (incompetent Gallifreyan), Cyclops (aforementioned skinny dude), and Steven (loveable idiot) with his guards (assorted Greeks) go outside to see what the deal is.

I mean, as Cyclops explained pretty well, the deal is that the TARDIS isn't there any more.

GREEKS: Well 'Zeus', it looks like your 'temple' isn't here any more. How about that 'lightening bolt' to kill this Trojan spy that you have 'never met before' to prove that you are who you say you are?
DOCTOR: Ah.

So he admits that he is not Zeus! And then Agamemnon decrees that in that case he needs to be killed. So. Not a great plan, as plans go. Hashtag incompetent Gallifreyan.

The TARDIS, it turns out, has been kidnapped by the Trojans. Well, one Trojan in particular - Paris, son of another king (Priam) and brother to Hector, the guy Achilles killed at the start of the last episode. Paris went to the Grecian camp to avenge his brother, but Achilles fled, so Paris brought this shrine-type-thing back to impress his father, whose reaction upon seeing the TARDIS was something along the lines of "... well, what am I supposed to do with that?"

Oh, and there's some more good dialogue! This time between Paris and his sister, Cassandra.

PARIS: Can't we just leave it where it is for the moment?
PRIAM: In the middle of the square?
PARIS: Yes - I mean, it could be a sort of, er... a sort of... a monument.
CASSANDRA: A monument to what?
PARIS: Well, to my initiative, for instance. After all, it is the first sizeable trophy we've captured since the war started. Probably turn out to be very useful.
CASSANDRA: What sort of use would you suggest?
PARIS: Hah, what sort of use! Well... I mean. Don't quite know, actually.
CASSANDRA: Dumbass.

I like Paris. Because the first ep of the serial was from the Greeks' point of view, I feel like I'm not supposed to side with the Trojans, but. I mean, I kind of am. Tentatively Team Trojan.

Cassandra seems to think that the TARDIS is a trap laid by the Greeks; it was on Grecian territory and unguarded so it's suspicious. Paris argues that his sister is a crazy person. Cassandra ain't taking none of his bullshit.


The Trojans conclude that they might as well burn the TARDIS anyway, as a sacrifice to THEIR gods, and if there happens to be a Greek soldier inside, well, all the better! Vicki, who has been listening to the conversation on the TARDIS scanners, panics a little, and rushes straight to the wardrobe so she can dress appropriately for her death by sacrificial flame.

Paris gets a little nervous about burning the TARDIS without consulting the gods first, so Cassandra calls out for a sign from the gods to make sure they're doing the right thing. And lo and behold, Vicki steps out of the TARDIS and is met with suspicion from everyone except Paris, because hello - Paris is adorable.

CASSANDRA: She's some drab of Agamemnon's, sent to spread dissension!
VICKI: I'm nothing of the sort!
PARIS: Of course you're not. I can tell.

King Priam takes over and starts interrogating Vicki. He thinks the name 'Vicki' is a bit silly, so he calls her Cressida, and invites her inside for tea and scones, before shooing Paris back outside the city gates so he can properly avenge his brother. Paris leaves reluctantly, but not before being adorable and stuttery at Vicki and a ship begins to grow in my heart. Though I just looked up Paris and Cressida on Wikipedia and spoiler warning - nope. :(

Odysseus, who actually believed Steven and the Doctor's story and has freed them on the condition that they help him lay a siege on Troy, is pressuring them to come up with a plan. Steven suggests maybe a giant wooden horse might do the trick, but the Doctor scoffs and tells him he's stupid. A bit miffed, Steven figures he might as well go try and rescue Vicki, seeing as nobody is listening to him. The Doctor and Odysseus agree that Steven is not much use, so they dress him up in a Greek soldier uniform and send him out to confront Paris so he can be taken captive and get inside the Trojan city.

So Steven meets up with Paris and the two of them awkwardly fight one another for a bit until Steven yields to Paris's masterful swordsmanship. He manages to convince Paris that taking him prisoner would bring great honour to Troy, so the two of them head off to the city. (Steven has to remind Paris to pick up his sword from where he'd dropped it. I discover that I can ship Paris with pretty much anyone.)

Paris takes Steven directly into the palace where Vicki is trying desperately not to tell Priam about any horse-related stories she may or may not have heard. Priam is once again unimpressed by Paris's excellent capturing abilities, but reluctantly agrees to question the prisoner. Steven is brought in, and Vicki totally gives the game away by being all, "Steven! What up, bro!"

Cassandra, who was lurking in the background, takes this as proof that both of them are GREEK SHITS and sets a bunch of guards on them. Steven and Vicki, who brought this on themselves by being uncool and the opposite of smooth, are suddenly surrounded by sexy Trojan men. Both of them are quite overcome. Cassandra is a little envious.


Aaaaand end music! Man, I gotta say, I'm really liking The Myth Makers. I'd recommend that if you were to watch any serial of One's, it'd be this one, but also it is made up of audio and still images rather than any actual footage, so. (If you do want to go watch some lesser-shit episodes with footage, my favourites so far are, I think, Planet of the Giants, where the TARDIS and its inhabitants are shrunk down to TINY SIZE, and The Rescue, where they first meet Vicki, both from season 2.)

See you soon with more Myth Makery goodness and hopefully lots more Paris. :D

Moosh

The Myth Makers Part 1/4: Temple of Secrets

Straight into title music! Maybe THIS is an episode with footage! Are you excited because I'm excited. OoEEooooo!

The TARDIS materialises next to two dudes having a fight - Achilles and Hector! A Greek and a Trojan! I'm going to go right ahead and admit I Googled that; the only thing I know about Achilles is that heel thing wot he's got. I have friends with Classics degrees who will disown me for that, but yeah, I'm flying blind on this one.

... okay, yeah. There's no footage. Ah well. We'll soldier on. (Get it? Soldier. I'm really funny.)



Inside the TARDIS, the Doctor, Vicki and Steven are watching the fight play out on the scanners.

STEVEN: Why do you suppose they fight?
DOCTOR: I haven't the remotest idea, my boy. No doubt their reasons will be entirely adequate. Yes, I think I...perhaps I'd better go and ask them where we are.

DOCTOR YOU ARE REALLY DUMB WHEN YOU LOOK LIKE WILLIAM HARTNELL.

While the Doctor is being obnoxious to the companions, outside the TARDIS Achilles and Hector are still fighting. Hector (the Trojan) starts insulting Achilles' gods (you know, Zeus and his posse) and pretty much shouts out, "COME ON THEN, ZEUS, IF YOU THINK YOU'RE HARD ENOUGH." Cue clap of thunder and the Doctor. Hector shits himself a little bit. Achilles takes advantage of this and stabs him in the chest.

And then follows some of the funniest dialogue I've seen on Old!Who. Achilles obviously assumes that the Doctor is Zeus, and the Doctor, comfortingly true to the character I'm familiar with from the series reboot, plays along.

DOCTOR: And who might you be, may I ask?
ACHILLES: Achilles. Mightiest of warriors, greatest in battle, humblest of your servants.
DOCTOR: Well, if I may say so, you're not very humble, are you?

Fantastic. The Doctor then asks about Hector, and Achilles assures him that he deserved to die for blaspheming against the gods of Greece. (The Doctor's response: "Blasphemy? I'm sure he didn't mean it.") Achilles then acknowledges the elephant in the room - the Doctor definitely does not look like Zeus, king of gods; he looks like a crazy old man with a walking stick.

ACHILLES: If you had appeared to me in your true form, I would have been blinded by your radiance. It is well known that when you come amongst us you adopt many different forms. To Europa, you appeared as a bull. To Leda, as a swan. To me... in the guise of an old beggar.
DOCTOR: I beg your pardon?! I do nothing of the kind!
ACHILLES: Oh, but still your glory shines through!
THE DOCTOR: Yeah, damn right. You best watch your mouth, boy, or I'll pop a lightening bolt in yo' ass.

The Doctor tries to go back into the TARDIS, but Achilles stops him. They need help with laying a siege on Troy, or something. The Doctor doesn't reeeeally want to walk away from his spaceship because, like, he ain't actually a Greek god, but Achilles is pretty insistent. Vicki and Steven watch them walk away on the TARDIS scanners; Steven goes to change into a Greek costume. I am not even kidding.

The Doctor and Achilles run into some guys on their way to the city. One of them is Odysseus (King of Ithaca, Google tells me - I don't know what an Ithaca is but it sounds important) and Odysseus has a pretty fantastic time mocking both Achilles and the Doctor, whom he doesn't believe for a second is the almighty Zeus. Which is understandable. As he is not.

He also finds the idea of the TARDIS being Zeus's temple pretty laughable.

ODYSSEUS: The temple of Zeus, you say? A trifle modest, is it not, for so powerful a god?
DOCTOR: ... This is my travelling temple.

That was the actual dialogue. I am LOVING this episode, goddamn.

The Doctor, suspecting his flawless cover story isn't as infallible as he'd hoped, makes another attempt to go back to the TARDIS. Odysseus laughs at him and says that if he really is Zeus, they need him for the Troy problem they've got, and if he isn't, then he's been skulking around on their territory and they're gonna want to know why, so he doesn't really have a choice but to go with them. And by that I mean the Greeks literally carried him off on their shoulders. Steven sees this on the scanners and sneakily follows them. Vicki stays in the TARDIS (because apparently she has a sprained ankle? I don't remember that happening but okay).

CUT TO two new characters, Agamemnon (king of Mycenae) and Menelaus (king of Sparta. Idk why there are so many kings all hanging out together, but that's cool. It's a gather(k)ing. A king-regation. A king-ference. They're... having a meet(k)ing?). And, seriously, I'm going to have to stop just quoting all the dialogue but this shit is so good.

AGAMEMNON: Now, you drink too much, Menelaus. I've told you about it before. Try to remember that you're my brother, can't you?
MENELAUS: One of the reasons I drink, Agamemnon, is to forget that I am your brother.
AGAMEMNON: What's the matter with you, man? Don't you want to get Helen back? Don't you want to see your wife again?
MENELAUS: Quite frankly, no. If you must know, I was heartily glad to see the back of her.

Okay that was my last indiscriminate copying of dialogue, I promise. I just don't want anyone to miss out on the unexpected quality of this episode's writing because it is pretty damn great.

Back to the action, though: Achilles had run ahead to Agamemnon (who I figure is in charge) and told him that Odysseus has kidnapped Little Old Man Zeus. Agamemnon isn't really prepared to take the risk that the Doctor actually is Zeus, so he goes to find Odysseus to sort this mess out. The Doctor tries to convince everyone of his godliness by showing off his 'supernatural knowledge'; he tells Agamemnon that his wife is cheating on him. (Which, iturns out, everyone but Agamemnon knew that already.)

Even despite the Doctor's very convincing arguments, the Greeks are still a mite suspicious, so they strike a compromise of keeping the Doctor under friendly arrest, just in case he's actually not the god of sky, thunder, and beards. The Doctor can't figure out a way to make them change their minds, so he sits down and has some lunch.

Meanwhile, Odysseus is having a chat with Cyclops who, distressingly, isn't an actual giant, merely a dude with an eyepatch. Turns out, Cyclops saw Steven emerging from Zeus's Phone Box Travel Temple© and figured that maybe the little blue box actually isn't a holy place of worship. Steven, adorable as he is, isn't blessed with the wisest of heads on his shoulders, and he stumbles right into Odysseus as soon as Cyclops leaves.

Odysseus hauls Steven straight over to Agamemnon and the Doctor. Both Steven and the Doctor pretend like they don't know each other, but that leaves Steven sneaking around the Greeks' camp without the excuse of being an all-powerful deity.

ODYSSEUS: All-seeing Zeus, you see into our very hearts and know their secrets?
DOCTOR: Quite so.
ODYSSEUS: Then is this man a spy?
DOCTOR: I do not know, and I do not care.
ODYSSEUS: Shall he then be put to death?
DOCTOR: I think it would be much safer on the whole.
STEVEN: See, I'm completely innoce-- wait, what?

But of course, the Doctor has a plan - he'll kill the Trojan spy himself, tomorrow at his Travel Temple, with a bolt from heaven! Then the spy dies and he proves that he's actually Zeus and everyone wins.

Oh, but, hang on a sec, Cyclops is back. Turns out, Zeus's Travel Temple? It has disappeared! CUE END MUSIC.


That was not the end screen, but it was close enough to the end that I feel justified putting here. Is that not the face of the vengeful king of Mount Olympus, I ask you? Does that widdle bottom lip not strike fear into the hearts of mortals?

No. Of course it doesn't.

Moosh