Wednesday, August 22

Galaxy 4 Part 2/4: Trap of Steel

Last episode concluded with the bombshell that the planet on which the TARDIS crew, the sexy Drahvins and the Rills with their chumbley wedding cake robots are all currently residing is going to explode in two days. This is a scientific fact as tested with science. No explanation has been offered but I don't doubt that it is definitely true.

The Doctor and Steven are inside the TARDIS after carrying out their Scientific Tests and a Chumbley approaches with an Exploding Device. An Exploding Device which, despite not affecting the exterior of the TARDIS at all, throws the Doctor and Steven across the console room and there's a lot of heavy breathing and moaning as they right themselves. (There isn't any footage of this bit, so I'm assuming that's what the heavy breathing and moaning is about. Unless the BBC in the sixties was a lot more progressive than we give it credit for. At one point Steven genuinely says 'Oh, please, Doctor!', so I am beginning to doubt myself.)

The two of them decide to abandon ship ASAP before the Chumblies come and force them upon each other once more, and there's a bit more dramatic dialogue reminding us that there are only TWO DAWNS before shit goes down.

Meanwhile, in Sexy Drahvin HQ, Maaga is trying to seduce Vicki with food.

MAAGA: Are you sure you won't eat?
VICKI: No, thank you.
MAAGA: Mm... It's very good.
VICKI: You know what's very good? Not being on this dumb planet. Your sexy powers will not work on me, you very attractive alien lady, you.

Vicki is saved from further sexy attempts on her virtue by the timely arrival of the Doctor, who insults the Drahvins' spaceship, and Steven, who is probably hoping to get a slice of the seduction pie. The Doctor reveals that the Rills were correct and the planet is definitely going to explode, but assures Maaga that it's in two weeks, not two days. Steven plays it cool when he hears this so as not to give the game away.

Maaga, Priestess at the temple of Sexy, tries to use her feminine wiles to get the Doctor to help the Drahvins get their sexy selves out of there. The Doctor will give them a hand on the condition that the Rills are allowed to leave too. Maaga refuses this as the Rills are Evil and Bad, but as the Doctor has seen no evidence to support this claim (... apart from the fact that the Rill machines tried to blow up his ship, but we'll not mention that) he stands his ground.

Obviously, Maaga ain't takin' no shit from nobody, so she pulls out a sexy gun and aims it sexily at the Doctor, at which point Steven takes the opportunity to try and tackle her to the floor under the pretext of 'stopping her from killing his friend' or whatever. You're fooling no one, Steven.

It's all going well and Steven has nearly unhooked Maaga's bra (again, I'm guessing, as there is no footage) when two more sexy Drahvins appear and point their weapons at Steven. Understandably, Steven gets excited and backs off.

Maaga, newly armed with more sexy weapons, sets about intimidating the Doctor into helping her. Somewhere along the way, the Doctor gets pretty flustered by this and ends up admitting that the planet's going up in smoke in two days, not fourteen. Maaga is displeased. She tells the Doctor to go and capture the Rill spaceship right now and I swear to god this exchange happens.

DOCTOR: Oh, you have great faith in me, haven't you, hmm?
MAAGA: Yes I have, because I shall keep one of you here. I shall keep the girl!
STEVEN: Oh no, you won't. You'll keep me!

God, Steven. You need to be more cool.

The Doctor and Vicki head out to deal with the Rill business (and the Doctor casually mentions that because there are three suns, they actually have about two hours before their first day is over) and in Sexy Drahvin HQ we discover that the stuff Maaga was eating was 'food for leaders only', so, like, I'm becoming convinced that Maaga is kind of into Vicki. Steven is not allowed this special food.

The sexy Drahvins pull Maaga to one side and politely enquire as to why they haven't killed the non-sexy human male. Maaga mysteriously tells them that she'll let them kill him when she's 'good and ready', so. Dunno what's happening there. Probably something incredibly attractive and deeply sexual. But I'm just guessing.

Oh man and there's a fantastic interaction between the Doctor and Vicki. They reach the Rill ship and see loads of Chumblies patrolling outside.

VICKI: How are we going to get past them?
DOCTOR: Ah, yes, yes, that's quite a problem, my child, isn't it, hmm?
VICKI: You're telling me it is!
DOCTOR: Well, now don't lose patience, you see! Now look, in this case, first we must observe, note, collate, and then conclude. After that, perhaps we can act, hmm?
VICKI: You are the most useless Time Lord ever. You don't even have a sonic screwdriver. What are you.

Vicki takes charge and with some cunning rock-throwing action, discovers that the blind Chumblies can only hear things directly in front of them. The Doctor doesn't approve of her methods.

DOCTOR: You may appear to be right, but it's dangerous, and it's - it's very risky!
VICKI: That was no risk! I noted, observed, collated, concluded... and then I threw the rock!
DOCTOR: You're a little shit, you know that, right?

God, I love Vicki.

They find Rill HQ and see that there's some sort of drill rig next to it? The Doctor declares it to be "most impressive." Vicki describes it as "very temporary." I'm with the human on this one, Doctor.

They walk in and awkwardly make conversation about the size of the corridors. Something apparently smells weird but they dismiss it pretty quickly, which was foolish of them. It wouldn't have been scripted if it wasn't important! Gosh.

And then they find the spaceship! Hurrah! The Doctor seems to really like it, as he whips his screwdriver out (just a normal screwdriver, not sonic) and starts trying to scratch it. Time Lords have weird customs, I don't even know, but apparently you know it's legit if you can't scratch the metal. Vicki ignores the Doctor's tomfoolery and has a revelation that the funny smell is in fact ammonia (so, cat pee). So that's cool.

They kick around the room they're in for a while, finding a little broken Chumbley which the Doctor makes fun of, when, gasp! A thing appears at the window! And then the end music plays, oh, curses. I bet you a tenner this creepy thing is a Rill, though.

Nowhere near as sexy as the Drahvins, right. That probably means that they're going to turn out to be a nice, harmless species while the Drahvins are horrible bitches who pick on them to feel better about themselves. Or maybe that's just my high school experience talking.



  1. Oh god I love this! It's brilliant.

  2. I'd only watched 'An Unearthly Child', but now I see that Classic Who is far sexier than I had ever guessed.
    Also you're brilliant.

  3. THANK YOU for doing this! I've seen a few Classic Who's and have described them to others as "a terrible, old soap opera, with some sci-fi thrown in." So, much as I love Who and am in complete adoring fandom with the reboot, I appreciate the mixed feelings that go along with wanting to watch/know about the Classic but not quite knowing how to deal with the laughable story lines (sometimes) and special effects.

    One question: Where did you find all the episodes/seasons? You know, just in case I'd like to subject myself someday...

    1. You can get them all at! It's the best place for the watching of the things. I recommend you bookmark the shit out of it.

    2. Thank you! I'll check that out for sure.

  4. Wow! I love that you are doing this. I have a whole stack of Old Who VHSs in my house that I have never watched because...well, yeah, they're a bit shit. What you're doing is really an achievement to be proud of!