The Ark Part 4/4: The Bomb

WHAT UP, WHOVIANS. We rejoin the action with the Doctor and Dodo stuck on the planet Refusis, a planet very much like Earth in temperature, atmosphere, etc, and thus it has been chosen by ex-Earth inhabitants as a place they wanna be, because their old planet was swallowed by an expanding sun (like that episode of the ninth Doctor's! Still happy about that). Steven is back up on the spaceship known as the Ark, where giant lizard creatures called Monoids have taken charge, and the remaining humans (whom I have affectionately termed 'newmans') are working as slaves. The original plan of the newmans, Monoids and Refusians living in peace on Refusis does NOT look like it's going to go ahead.

Up on the Ark, the Monoids - who just heard the Monoid on Refusis start a report and then get blown up - contemplate the wisdom of moving their entire population to a planet that is potentially filled with enemies. But it could just be a communications error! And before he got cut off, the Monoid on the planet sounded happy and stuff, so. They're just going to send everyone down and hope for the best. And also they've planted a bomb in the top of the statue, so once all the Monoids are safe on Refusis, they're going to blow up the Ark and all the humans! There's a lot of evil lizardy laughter following this announcement.

Meanwhile, the Doctor and Dodo are having a chat with a Refusian they've befriended. It seems logic is not going to play a huge part in this episode - the Refusians were the ones to blow up the shuttle, because they don't want any violence. The Doctor tells him that the newmans who wanted to kill them are peaceful, like the Refusians, and the Monoids are the only problem here. But also there are a couple of newmans who want to overthrow the Monoids! The Refusian says, ah okay, in that case he'll give the newmans a whole day to overthrow the Monoids before they shoot the Ark out of the sky. The Doctor is relieved by this? And says that Steven will definitely take care of it and sort out the situation, even though Steven has absolutely no way of finding out about what's happening on the planet. I don't understand ANY of this.

Luckily, Steven IS planning a revolution, because Steven is a dashing man of action. The kitchen he's trapped in - there's only one door, and it only opens from the outside. But he has a PLAN: when one of the newman servants who works obediently for the Monoids comes into the kitchen to pick up food, he will distract them with his SEXY WILES and Dassuk will sneak out and open the door for all of them when it locks again!

Look at those sexy wiles go. Hot dang.

But! Before any havoc can be wrought, all the Monoids take off for Refusis! Steven and the newmans (which, by the way, is an excellent name for a band) are left alone on the Ark, which is a good thing, but also there is this bomb that's scheduled to go off in twelve hours, and none of them knows where it is, which is kind of a bad thing.

Logic loses once again in this episode, as the Doctor and Dodo are suddenly out in the jungle, watching from behind a tree as the Monoids land. The Monoids talk loudly of how if this planet doesn't work out, there's still time to get back to the Ark before THAT BOMB they planted goes off, and obviously the Doctor and Dodo overhear this and comment on how much of a ridiculous thing to say it was. Then, when the Monoids wander off deeper into the jungle, the Doctor and Dodo sneak into one of the unlocked space shuttles, and ring the Ark.

The newmans, who have made it to the control room on the Ark, see that they have an incoming transmission from one of the space shuttles. It could ONLY BE from one of the Monoids, and obviously the newmans are supposed to be trapped in a room on the other side of the ship, so obviously they ANSWER THE CALL.

DOCTOR: This is Refusis, contacting spaceship Ark.
STEVEN: It’s the Doctor! Hello, Doctor, this is Steven.
DOCTOR: Oh, thank heavens, Steven my boy, you’re safe. Now listen: the Ark is about to blow up!
STEVEN: We know that. Do you know where the bomb is?
DOCTOR: No I do not, but I’m going to find out from the Monoids. Now, continue with the search!
STEVEN: ... well, good, thanks. Well worth the cost of a phone call, that one, Doc. Brilliant.

The Doctor hangs up and then instructs the Refusian (who is apparently there too!) to fly the shuttles back to the Ark while the Doctor goes talking to the Monoids. The Refusian gets right on that, and when the Monoids come rushing back to see where their spaceships are going, the Doctor happily tells them that he doesn't know! He hasn't seen ANYBODY since he landed on this planet! (It's because the Refusians are invisible.) (He's very proud of himself.)

The Doctor and Dodo get taken away by the Monoids to be QUESTIONED, whereupon they obviously hear all the details about the bomb because the Monoids just reiterate ALL THE INFORMATION to one another. Up on the Ark, the bomb hunt is not going well, so the newmans decide to split up so half of them can go down to Refusis and help? Idk what they're supposed to be helping with, but this episode is not an episode for logic, as we have learned.

So, the newmans head down to the planet and run into the Doctor; the Doctor tells them that he knows where the bomb is! Let's all head back up to the bomb that's gonna explode soon! He rings ahead to tell Steven that, hello Steven, how're things, yeah, the bomb is in the fuck-huge statue BE THERE SOON GOOD LUCK LOL. Steven and the newmans all gather around the statue looking helpless, but then the voice of the Refusian appears being all, 'I CAN HELP YOU WITH THAT,' and then the statue starts, like, being dragged across the floor. Apparently the solar flare that his the Refusians was the same thing that got the Fantastic Four crew because, shit.

The Refusian drags it to the launching bay and blasts it off into space before it explodes, so that's one plot point we've got out of the way, there! Now all they have left to take care of are the murderous lizards. Cool.

Aaaand they achieve that by... just saying that the two species will make peace? I, um, don't think that's how this kind of stuff works. Or if it is can someone just hop over to the Middle East and let them know. And the Doctor, Steven and Dodo just leave! Okay, well, quick resolution there, but. NO LOGIC IN THIS EPISODE. I don't know why I keep expecting it.

But then! Inside the TARDIS, everything seems to be going fine (Dodo has changed into a new outfit and Steven gets really close to her before he compliments it) and then the Doctor sneezes and... turns... invisible? Dodo thinks this might have something to do with the Refusions, but then InvisiDoctor says no! They are UNDER ATTACK.

I've heard that the next serial is a good one, so I look forward to SHARING THAT WITH YOU. Maybe there will be storylines that make sense in it. We can but hope. :D

Moosh

The Ark Part 3/4: The Return

Dodo infected a bunch of humans from the year 5 billion with a cold, but the Doctor cured everyone! The new humans revised their previously a-bit-not-good opinion of the TARDIS gang, and happily waved them off as they vworped away in the TARDIS. But, as we all know, the TARDIS goes wherever the fuck it wants, and they ended up in the exact same spot they took off from. Weird! But also it appears a bunch of time has passed, and maybe the giant lizards (Monoids) are in charge now? Idk.

They have a gander around for a bit and find their way back in the main control room. The Doctor checks out the CCTV feed; there are still humans around, but they're working as slaves in the kitchen, and the Monoids are lounging around, giving orders and shit. Suddenly! A Monoid with its human bitches strolls in, and asks them what exactly they're doing on the spaceship. The Doctor, Dodo and Steven are taken aback by this; the last time they were kicking around on the ship, the Monoids only communicated through sign language.

The Monoid seems a little suspicious of the Doctor's 'Oh we've been here before, we're friends of yours!' explanation, and hauls them over to speak to the leader. The Monoid In Charge stops all of them before they say anything, and plays the previous episode on a little screen so they can all catch up with the plot.

And in a move I saw coming, dunno about you, it turns out that WHOOPS! The cold ended up killing loads of the newmans anyway! So that weakened them, and then they worked together to get the Monoids those mechanic voice box things that they're using, and also made themselves some weapons, then BOOM. Monoid revolution! Thank YOU, Doctor.

Somewhat ungratefully, though, Monoid In Charge orders them to be taken away while he arranges a grand council. The Doctor, Dodo and Steven all share a weird and unexplained sense of deja vu.

They get taken to the kitchen, where two people - Dassuk and Venussa - are gossiping. Venussa is really excited cos she overheard the Monoids talking about how some humans have landed on the Ark. Dassuk tells her, nah mate, Earth exploded and all the humans came aboard this ship, where would they have come from? Venussa chirps about the LEGEND OF THE DOCTOR AND THE YOUNG COUPLE, and Dassuk tells her that she's a bit loopy. Venussa is put out, but then hears a Monoid saying the Doctor's name and gets excited again. The TARDIS crew wave her off with only minimal explanation, though, because they are on a MISSION to ESCAPE.

... that mission promptly fails when the Monoids come back into the kitchen with guns. Those pesky lizards grab the Doctor and Dodo and take them away, leaving Steven to chill with the newmans. Turns out the Doctor and Dodo are being sent ahead to Refusis on a little shuttle to check out the environment and to make sure that there are no bloodthirsty natives, and Steven is being held back as INSURANCE. Man, not sure lizards are my favourite animals any more, geez.

Dodo and the Doctor - along with a Monoid and a newman - make it to Refusis pretty quick. There doesn't seem to be any natives kicking around, which confuses the Monoid, because he could've SWORN that they had readings that indicated... ah well, never mind. And ignore the door opening and closing by itself, it's probably the, um. The wind. Well, they best get back to the ship and tell everyone of the good news! Time's ticking away!

DODO: Yes, I bet it'll take some time to get the whole of the population down here, so the sooner you get started the better, I should think.
MONOID: Don't worry. It may not take as long as you think.
DODO: What do you mean? Are you up to something?
MONOID: Er. No?
DODO: CALLING BULLSHIT.

But then! The Doctor comes round the corner and tells them that Refusis is definitely inhabited and he has proof! Look! A BUILDING.

So the four of them shimmy on over there to explore; it's the same kind of deal, no people. Except things keep moving on their own! Come on, guys, we all figured out what was going on like five minutes ago.

Whahey, and then we get an explanation! The Refusians were victims of a giant solar flare, and now they exist in a kind of... non-entity form? They're not just invisible. I guess they're kind of like ghosts, that sort of substance? Anyway, because of this, they were looking forward to their planet having actual corporeal inhabitants again, as long as they came in peace. The Doctor laughs nervously and changes the subject. 

While the Doctor and Dodo stay in the Refusian pad for a while, Monoid and the newman go and make their way back the shuttle so they can radio up to the Ark. The Monoid says something dumb, or something, which makes the newman suspect that maaaaybe the Monoids plan on killing all the humans and living on Refusis without them. The two of them get into a fight (the newman loses), and the Monoid saunters happily into the shuttle again. 

MONOID: Refusis to the spaceship Ark.
MONOID IN CHARGE: Yes, give us your report. Are the landings possible?
MONOID: The planet offers everything we need, but I must warn you. Listen to this carefully. When we first arrived, we exited--

And then the shuttle blows up! With the Monoid inside it! Leaving the Doctor and Dodo stranded on Refusis! Shiiiit.

I like how the BBC's budget in the 60's meant that a bunch of aliens were just invisible. Not being able to see the enemy is UNDER-UTILISED in New Who, imo.

Moosh

The Ark Part 2/4: The Plague

New Girl Dodo is way too eager to be away from home with no way of getting back, which makes me suspicious, and also she has brought her disgusting Earth Girl germs with her to the 5 billion and 1st century and is now killing locals. She has not made a great impression on me so far.

So the Doctor, Dodo and Steven are in some kind of holding cell, waiting to be TRIED UNDER GALACTIC LAW by Crazy Zentos. Dodo is getting on my nerves already and we're only one minute in.

DODO: It’s all my fault! If I’d known it was going to be like this, I’d never have come.
DOCTOR: Well you did come, my dear, so it’s too late to be worry about that - and stop sniffling!
DODO: I’m not sniffling, it’s me nose running again! Anyway, I’m feeling better now. But I don’t suppose anyone cares.
DOCTOR: I don't suppose anyone does, because there are other people on this spaceship who are LITERALLY DYING, you selfish little shit.

The Commander, who caught the cold at the end of the last episode, is lying on a bed with his daughter, Mellium, and a scientist next to him. The scientist is apologetic, because all records concerning the common cold were lost YEARS ago, and it was a bastard to cure to begin with. The Commander says that he doesn't really care what happens to him, or to his daughter, as long as the voyage continues and the ship makes it to the planet Refusis in 700 years' time. Mellium is a little put out.

Crazy Zentos is pretty eager to get on with the trial and punishment of the three prisoners, so he calls a meeting of the newmans. He will preside, he says happily, and does anyone want to stand up for the prisoners? After an awkward silence, Manyak - the technician that the Doctor had a chat with when they were first brought to the spaceship - and Mellium say that they'll do that, it's what the Commander would have wanted. (The Commander, who is lying fully conscious on a bed one room over, chimes in with, "Yes, yes!")

The Commander's hilarious interjections continue. Crazy Zentos calls Steven into the trial room and accuses him of being a SPY FROM REFUSIS sent to sabotage the humans' journey. Steven calls bullshit on account of him being a human time traveller; Crazy Zentos rejects this idea, as humans haven't perfected time travel yet (my earlier excitement over the Doctor Who continuity staying strong over 50 years has wilted a little - wasn't Jack Harkness a human time traveller from the 51st century?). But Crazy Zentos's INSTINCTS tell him that Steven and the others are EVIL!

STEVEN: And that, unfortunately, tells me only one thing.
CRAZY ZENTOS: What’s that?
STEVEN: That the nature of man, even in this day and age, hasn’t altered at all. You still fear...the unknown, like everyone else before you.
COMMANDER: That’s true! True!
CRAZY ZENTOS: Stop getting involved omg.

Ahaha and then he does it AGAIN I'm laughing really hard right now. Manyak the technician is really fighting for the TARDIS gang:

MANYAK: The fever is here. We have no answer for it and it might well be that they are the only ones who can cure it.
CRAZY ZENTOS: Our micro-virologists may still find an answer!
MANYAK: Perhaps, but if we were to agree that the Doctor and his friends could, what is the value in expelling them from the spaceship?
COMMANDER: None at all!

Ahh but then, shit, one of the newmans brings news that someone else has died from the fever. This makes everyone's mind up; the verdict is that these saboteurs are to be EXPELLED FROM THE SPACESHIP. But then, whoops, something's going on with Steven.

He's all weak and fainty cos he's caught the cold (Dodo may be annoying but she never made such a fuss about a little COLD, gosh). Some Monoids drag him to the cell where the Doctor and Dodo are waiting and the Doctor tries to talk his way out of custody so he can go do some EXPERIMENTS and find a cure. Crazy Zentos flat-out refuses, but the Commander has found a communication device from somewhere and orders Crazy Zentos to let the Doctor do his science, on the condition that he tests out the cure on Steven first.

The Doctor, given a sudden free reign, goes into overdrive. He starts ordering the newmans about, telling Mellium to keep Steven warm and then run around the ship doing the same to all the other sick people. The then gives Dodo a list of things he needs and sends her to fetch it all from the TARDIS (I'm crossing my fingers that the list is just 'Lemsip, cuddles'), and then he grabs one of the newmans and begins to tell him about the science behind the cold virus, in case they can be of any help. It might be the first time I've seen him take charge of a situation and have some semblance of competence. It's exciting!

The Doctor, with his silent Monoid assistant (all the Monoids communicate in sign language), whip up a cocktail of cold remedy and sort of rub it into Steven's arm, because hypodermic needles are sooo last millennium. Steven stirs a little bit, so the Doctor is all, 'Cool! It works!' and then rushes off to treat everyone else.

It is one hour later and Steven is still all fevery. Dodo is getting concerned, but the Doctor tells her to chillax, hang loose, just go with the flow. And SURE ENOUGH, in a spectacular display of Steven being wildly inappropriate, he grabs onto Dodo while his fever breaks. Everything's going to be fine!

Dodo runs to the main room to break the news to everyone, and the newmans are surprisingly laid back about it all. Even Crazy Zentos is just, 'Cool, you were right! Awesome, you're free to go whenever you like catch you later xoxo.' So, the Doctor, Dodo and Steven say goodbye to them in front of the statue that they're building (it's going to be a massive human - the plan is it'll take 700 years to build so by the time they arrive on Refusis it'll just be finished) and then just... head back to the TARDIS on, like, a little golf cart driven by a Monoid omg.

So they just get into the TARDIS and dematerialise. I guess... that's the end of that? But it's a four-part serial! I sense there is MORE TO COME. And I am proven right, because apparently they've materialised again right back where they left! They're still on the ship, something must have gone wrong with the TARDIS, the Doctor tells them.

So, they (for some reason) head back on over to the newman's building to tell them of the hilarious thing that just happened, and they find it deserted. Weird, Dodo says, they've only been gone a few seconds. Steven gently reminds her of what the T in TARDIS stands for, but then they catch sight of that statue that was going to take 700 years to build, and it's finished. But instead of being a statue of a human, it's a statue of a MONOID.

Excellent plot twist, A+! MORE SOON.

Moosh

The Ark Part 1/4: The Steel Sky

I did some research - turns out the Doctor wasn't around much during The Massacre is cos William Hartnell was on holiday. Still not ENTIRELY sure what the deal with him and the Abbot was, but from what I can GATHER it was just... they looked exactly the same? Hartnell-as-the-Abbot didn't do his annoying little giggle, or say 'hmm?', apparently, which I didn't notice! But I appreciate! If only Hartnell-as-the-Doctor could show the SAME COURTESY.

No, it's fine, I'm gonna let it go. I've moved on. Season 3 episode 26, let's do this.

The episode opens with a shot of a lizard on a rock. I love lizards! But then a bird lands on the lizard's face what no don't be mean to the lizard, bird, what did it ever do to you? Oh man and then there's a person in a scaley costume so I assume that's supposed to be a BIG LIZARD with ONE EYE inside a MOUTH ooh how exciting.

I've never seen a lizard with such a well-kept head of hair before, but I guess aliens have different rules for that kind of thing. Even if they still have geckos and toucans.

The TARDIS lands in the middle of a jungle/rainforest - because ALL ALIEN PLANETS ARE MADE OF JUNGLE, that is what we have learnt - and the new girl, Dodo, prances right out. Steven rushes out after her, reprimanding her for just jumping out of the TARDIS without the Doctor doing, like, atmosphere checks and stuff.

STEVEN: Look, Dodo, you don’t know what you might have found out here. No gravity, poisoned atmosphere, all sorts of things. What happens if you get lost?
DODO: I'll catch a bus back!
STEVEN: A... bus? Are you HIGH?

Dodo is pretty certain that the rainforest they've landed in is actually a zoo! She came here on a school trip a few years ago, she assures Steven, and if you go down that path there's a pretty good American Bison attraction. Also woah geez how old is Dodo because Steven just had a definite moment with her. CONTROL YOURSELF, Steven, stop having chemistry with everyone. God.

The Doctor appears and tells them both that Dorothea - sorry, Dodo - might be right. He's been looking at his instruments (now, Doctor, this is a family show) and things are very strange. You're damn right they are, Doctor, because the scene then cuts to one of those big lizard things using a typewriter. And then, wow, okay, the shot pans out to show a courtroom? There's a human jury, human judge and human defendant, but also those lizard things are like the guards? And all the humans are wearing these tunic-skirt things. The dude being tried has great legs.

Okay, so from what I can gather, the Dude of Great Legs works in, like, a power plant or something, and left a safety valve open. His sentence is MINIATURISATION, which is what it sounds like, he's just gonna be shrunk to tiny size. The judge's daughter protests a little - I think her and Great Legs must have been a thing - but a lizard thing (called a Monoid?) zaps him down and that's that done with.

Back in the jungle, the Doctor, Steven and Dodo have found an ELEPHANT and all gather around it, petting it, which I am very envious of. Elephants are up there with lizards. Love 'em. The Doctor remarks on how this is an Indian elephant, and there are plants from America and birds from Africa and basically SHIT FROM EVERYWHERE all in one jungle. Oh, also there's no sky; it's a metal dome that radiates light. So that's a thing.

They conclude that they're in some kind of indoor nature park on Earth or maybe some other undisclosed planet who knows! Also Dodo is getting a cold, she keeps sneezing, so maybe there's a poison in the air or something, that'd be cool.

Unfortunately for the TARDIS crew, a Monoid (lizard) has been watching them the whole time, and goes off to report to the judge from earlier, who is a Commander of some kind. The Commander fires up the CCTV and sees that these three look like human beings, which is weird. He gets his minion, Zentos, to pop outside and invite them in for a little chat.

An alarm starts blaring away in the jungle and the Doctor, Steven and Dodo are understandably concerned by this. Turns out the Monoids have found the TARDIS and now they're LOOKING FOR THEM, shit. They go hide in a cave (there's a moment where Dodo nearly sneezes and Steven presses his ENTIRE BODY AGAINST HER, not even kidding, come on, Steven); once the Monoids have walked past the cave entrance, the Doctor decides they should all go back to the TARDIS and get the hell out of there.

So they creep out of the cave and round a corner and see a kind of factory thing? Steven and Dodo don't have a clue what's going on, but the Doctor happily says that that factory thing means this is a spaceship! How exciting! Dodo says, cool, but if this is a spaceship, why are we currently surrounded by threateningly large giant lizards? The Doctor laughs nervously.

OH, FUCK, SOMETHING COOL JUST HAPPENED. So, Steven, Dodo and the Doctor are taken into the building where the trial was held, and are separated and questioned. Steven is pretty useless when asked about the whole travelling-the-fourth-dimension thing, but he gets a couple of questions answered in return. TURNS OUT it is the year 5 billion, and this spaceship has left Earth for the last time for PASTURES NEW. IT'S THE SAME TIME AS THAT EPISODE FROM CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON'S ERA. IT'S THE SAME YEAR. THE SUN IS EXPANDING AND EVERYONE'S LEAVING EARTH. AHHHHH COOL.

The Doctor and Dodo reappear and everyone has a nice chat for a while. Mellium, the commander's daughter, shows Steven and Dodo around while the Doctor has a chat with the spaceship technicians. Everything is hunky-dory until another alarm starts going off; people are starting to get a STRANGE FEVER and one of the Monoids has just DIED.

TURNS OUT the common cold was wiped out of humanity millions of years ago, so these humans of the year 5 billion don't have any resistance to Dodo's germs. The new humans (newmans?) take this as a SABOTAGE ATTEMPT and take the TARDIS crew into custody! They will be TRIED BY GALACTIC LAW and will SUFFER FOR THE CRIME THEY HAVE COMMITTED. DUN DUN DUNNNN.

Moosh

The Massacre Part 4/4: Bell of Doom

The Doctor is dead? And everyone thinks Steven killed him, and also they think that the Doctor is this  Abbot dude, so Steven is being chased across Paris by a bunch of cardinal guards and a horde of angry Catholics. Also there is a part where a character mentions that it's St Bartholomew's Day tomorrow, and as the full title of this serial is The Massacre of St Bartholomew's Eve, then I think I have an inkling of what's going to go down.

It is the morning after and Steven is okay! He managed to evade the guard and hid... somewhere... during the curfew. He goes back to Preslin's abandoned shop and finds Annevieve! She asks what he plans to do with his life now everything has gone to shit, and the only thing Steven can think to do is to find the TARDIS key and get out of there. Maybe the Doctor changed into his Abboty clothes while he was at the shop, Steven reasons, so MAYBE his Doctor clothes are still kicking around somewhere and MAYBE the TARDIS key is in the pocket or something. It's a long shot, everyone admits, but the two of them set about to searching the shop anyway.

After a while Annevieve finds the Doctor's walking stick and brings it to Steven. Steven demands to know WHERE SHE FOUND IT and if there was ANYTHING ELSE WITH IT. Annevieve says that, no! It was in the back room! There are no clothes anywhere!

ANNE: I've searched everywhere!
STEVEN: Then why the stick? He - he couldn't have pretended to be the Abbot dressed as he was. So he must have changed somewhere. But where?
ANNE: Perhaps he went away somewhere with the apothecary who used to live here?
STEVEN: With Preslin? No he couldn't.
ANNE: Why not?
STEVEN: Because Preslin is either dead or in prison.
DOCTOR: He is not.

OHHHHH what an entrance. You got STYLE, Doctor.

Meanwhile, Admiral de Coligny is still all shot and stuff. Angry Gaston warns him that the Catholics still want him dead, he should leave Paris right now! Boyfriend/Carer Nicholas gently tells Gaston that, look bro, the Admiral has a pretty hefty bullet wound, he can't really go sneaking out of heavily guarded buildings into the night. Gaston walks away in a huff, and the Admiral and Nicholas have a nice little chat (of course, because Nicholas is wonderful).

Back au magasin de Preslin, the Doctor is acting like the Abbot was not him at all. I... don't know what to believe. Maybe the Abbot really did just look exactly like him? Steven seems to think so. The Doctor, who has missed being obnoxious in the hours that he was maybe dead(??), dives right back in.

DOCTOR: Oh, my dear boy, had you stayed at the tavern all this mix-up could have been avoided.
STEVEN: I did stay in the tavern, you didn't turn up!
DOCTOR: Yes, well, I was unavoidably delayed. Never mind that now. Come along, we must go. Come along.

Then Anne mentions something about it being St Bartholomew's Day tomorrow and the Doctor pauses. He demands to know the year (1572) and then gets CRAZY and interrogates Anne, asking her if there's anywhere she can go stay for the night. She's points out that she's kipping in an abandoned shop, she's pretty low on choice, but the Doctor forces her out of the door and tells her to go stay at her aunt's house or something. As soon as Anne is out of the way, the Doctor grabs Steven and tells him that they need to leave too! Right now!

The Catholics, who are definitely the bad guys in this serial, are busy plotting. Marshal Tavannes (Catholic in Charge) is drawing up a list of Huguenots they need to kill, but then the QUEEN MOTHER knocks on his door and is all, 'You know what? We don't really need a list. Kill them all!' Tavannes asks if that includes Prince Henri, her son-in-law, and she cheerfully replies that it definitely does, yep! Tavannes tries to talk her down from her crazy, and she eventually concedes that if he's out of the city by tomorrow then he will have no death brought upon him. Simon is put in charge of the prince's safekeeping. He's pretty gutted that he's not allowed to even main him a little. Catholics are all fucking crazy, man.

Hiding behind a wall near the Abbot's house, where there are Catholics standing guard, the Doctor and Steven debate how they're going to get past them and back to the TARDIS. They can't risk just walking past them because it's early morning, the curfew is still in effect. But then! Two other guards come to relieve the old ones of the post, and then a bunch more arrive and start BATTERING DOWN THE DOOR to the Abbot's house. Steven and the Doctor make a run for it!

And... well, I mean, they make it. And then dematerialise. So. That's that story over with, then, isn't it. Oh, and Steven never got to say goodbye to Nicholas! BOO. There's still like ten minutes of the episode left but after it's done you can bet your arse I'm reading the Wiki article for this shit for some decent closure. Anne/Genevieve and Nicholas fuckin' better be mentioned in that article and they fuckin' BETTER have happy endings. God.

Floating around in time and space, Steven gets pretty angry that the Doctor knew all this was going to happen and yet he left people like Anne and Nicholas (of course he mentions Nicholas I'm actually pretty sure their ~love was canon) there to DIE. He also says that he's sick of this, and next time the TARDIS materialises somewhere, he's getting off. BABY, NO.

I hate everything.

The Doctor then has a little soliloquy where he reminisces about his past companions. Ian Chesterton of the Pre-Moosh Watches Who era gets a special mention, which is nice, cos I liked him, and the Doctor also says that he wants to go back to his home planet, but because he has a shit TARDIS, he can't. It's all very sad.

BUT THEN a girl bursts inside the TARDIS, looking for the phone, because the TARDIS looks like a police phone box. The Doctor tells her to go away, there is no phone here. But there's been an accident, she says in a really endearing northern accent, she has to ring the police right now and also who are you, crazy man in a box? The Doctor tries to explain that he's a man of science! And this is his machine for travelling relative dimensions in space! But before he can finish bewildering the poor girl, STEVEN COMES BACK. HELLO, SWEETHEART, I MISSED YOU.

Steven is all, 'Look I can't go into it right now but there are two policemen coming this way so can we dematerialise now pls,' so he's almost definitely defiled some public property or something. The Doctor genuinely says, "They'll want to use the telephone or something like it!" like telephones are the worst thing ever thought of, and dematerialises in a hurry.

It is at THAT POINT that Steven notices that, hello, there's another person in this TARDIS. Steven is distressed, because that is a young girl that the Doctor has just taken away from her entire life with no way of returning, there. The Doctor is confused at Steven's displeasure.

STEVEN: Doctor, how could you?
DOCTOR: What else could I do, dear boy? You don't want a couple of policemen aboard the TARDIS, do you? You know you're the most inconsistent young man? Just now you were telling me off for not having that Chaplet girl aboard!
STEVEN: Yeah because this is the EXACT SAME SITUATION you complete moron.

It's all cool, though, the new girl doesn't have any parents, she lives with her great-aunt and they don't get along. Also they ask her name - it is Dodo, but her full name is Dorothea Chaplet, which is the same surname as Anne/Genevieve. FANCY THAT.

The title card is once again shit, so here is Steven's 'Doctor What Even ARE You' face. The next episode is called THE STEEL SKY. Do you reckon it's a cyberman one? If it were a reboot episode I'd say it was definitely cybermen, but I think the cybermen of Classic Who were made of cloth or smthn, so. LET'S WAIT AND SEE.

Also I guess the Abbot was just the Abbot all along? Um. Okay. Well. Good.

Moosh