The Myth Makers Part 4/4: Horse of Destruction

So as things stand, the Greeks have managed to get a giant horse with shitloads of soldiers inside Troy, and even if you're as unfamiliar with Greek legends as I am, you probably know the gist of how this episode is going to play out. Or maybe not, I dunno, I haven't seen it yet. But before we do get into it, I'd like to share the fact that the original title for this serial, instead of 'The Myth Makers', was 'Is There A Doctor In This Horse?'
Bam. Day instantly improved 20%, am I right?

Cassandra is still feeling a little butthurt that her entire family likes Vicki (whom they all still know as 'Cressida', and who has stayed out on the balcony looking at the horse for a suspiciously long time) more than they like her, so she sends her handmaiden, Katarina, off to see what the deal is. But lol whoops, Vicki isn't on the balcony, she's gone down to the dungeons to let Steven out of his cell.

The two of them head out into the town square to have a look at the wooden horse. Vicki laughs at the shoddy nature of the horse's design, which, to say it was built in ONE DAY, isn't actually all that bad.


Steven happily returns jibes at how Troilus and Vicki are in luurrrrrve, and Vicki gets a little annoyed. Steven, adorably chastened, apologises and tells her that she should probably warn Troilus to leave Troy ASAP if she really likes him, because there are Greeks inside that thing and they're here to drink wine and fuck shit up. And they've just finished their wine.

Steven realises he probably shouldn't be hanging out in the city wearing a Greek soldier's uniform, so he hides behind some convenient bushes, and Vicki heads back to the palace, all casual like. Her absence hasn't gone unnoticed by Cassandra, obviously, and while all the male members of the Priam family are totally cool with Vicki's explanation of where she was, Cassandra assigns Katarina to be with her literally all the time; Vicki can't really come up with an excuse as to why that would not be cool. (Troilus thinks of threesomes and smiles.)

Inside the Horse of Destruction (which is a fabulous name for an episode and I support it fully), the Doctor is starting to realise just how much of a tit Odysseus actually is.

ODYSSEUS: I was thinking, Doctor, that with any luck, either Agamemnon or Achilles will not come through.
DOCTOR: You mean they'll desert us, hmm?
ODYSSEUS: No, die. Just a hope. One less finger in the pie, a greater share of the booty for me.
DOCTOR: Are you... you cannot be serious. You actually cannot be that much of a douchecanoe. It is not possible.

The two of them have a pretty heated argument, wherein the Doctor demands to be let out of the horse, and Odysseus puts a sword to his throat. The Doctor backs down.

Over in Priam Palace, Vicki (and Katarina) have found Troilus, and ask if he would be a dear and leave the city. Troilus, puzzled, asks why, and Vicki tells him that Diomede (Steven) is DEFINITELY out on the plain and Troilus DEFINITELY needs to go out and recapture him so he can have, like, honour and that.

TROILUS: Dude you seem way too concerned about this Diomede guy. What's with that.
VICKI: He's just a friend! I'm single! Single and available!
TROILUS: If he's your friend why do you want him captured by Trojans?
VICKI: Ummm.
TROILUS: ...
VICKI: Did I mention that I'm single and I really don't want you to get hurt and I think you have a cute smile?
TROILUS: *__*


So Troilus heads out onto the plains and who should he stumble upon but ACHILLES, the dorky guy who thought the Doctor was Zeus incarnate. Only, Achilles killed Troilus's brother, so it's kind of expected that the two of them need to, like, fight to the death. So that happens. And Troilus wins. But before he dies, Achilles lets slip that Diomede is the name of a dude who died WEEKS ago, and Troilus is all confused because why would his darling Cressida LIE to him?

Troilus's troubles of the heart are soon dwarfed by Troy's troubles of the being set on fire by the Greeks, who have left the horse and let a couple hundred more soldiers in through the city gates. Shit is definitely being fucked up and Cassandra is as smug as hell.

All is not terrible, though! Vicki (and Karatina) and the Doctor are REUNITED! Vicki does not mess around, and immediately sends Katarina to where Steven is hiding with instructions to bring him to her temple (the TARDIS), and drags the Doctor right in there herself, despite his protestations. As Steven is dressed as a Greek soldier and does not fight like one, he has been pretty badly hurt by a bunch of Trojans, so Katarina, like, hauls him over her shoulder and leads him over to the TARDIS. The female characters are so damn badass in Classic Who, I will give them that.

Oh man, okay. So during the episodes with no footage (all of season 3, so far), often there'll be these title cards just telling you the information that can't be shown with just pictures and the audio file. This is the one that just showed up on screen and I am NOT OKAY WITH THIS.


PARIS. MY BABY. YOU ARE TOO YOUNG AND CUTE TO DIE. I LOVE YOU. YOU DESERVED A BETTER ENDING. COME BACK. :(

Not okay. So very not okay.

Moving reluctantly on with the action, Vicki slips out of the TARDIS just before Katarina arrives with Steven, and inside the palace, Odysseus is being a dick (duh) to Cassandra, who is not holding back with her insults. Odysseus has her sent off to Agamemnon's crib and heavily implies that untoward things are going to be done to her. I hope she escapes.

Odysseus THEN makes his way to the TARDIS to try and claim it as the spoils of war. The Doctor argues with him for a while, then laughs, shuts the doors, and dematerialises. Odysseus wonders if maybe the Doctor was actually Zeus the whole time. I wonder what the Doctor is playing at as Vicki is not inside the TARDIS and the Doctor can't steer the TARDIS and if I lose both Vicki and Paris in one episode I don't know what I'm going to do with myself.

My darling Vicki finds Troilus lying wounded on the plains and they have a conversation in which Vicki tells him that it's 'just the two of them now'. C'mon, Vicki, baby, don't do this to me.

Inside the TADRIS, which is god-knows-where in time and space (I haven't given up hope that it's just a second out of sync or something), Steven is all delirious. Also, Katarina is there, which is something I had overlooked. Steven is panicking pretty hard about Vicki not being in the console room with them, and I realise just how much I loved their friendship. Come ON, Vicki, your stupid Trojan boyfriend is not worth all this heartache!

Katarina, because she is in the TARDIS and she is from several hundred years before the birth of Christ, assumes that, whoops, she's dead now and this is a weird afterlife with a weird god who calls himself the Doctor. The Doctor... plays along?

DOCTOR: My dear child, you're not dead! That's nonsense, hmm?
KATARINA: This is not Troy. This is not even the world. This is the Journey through the Beyond.
DOCTOR: Well, as you wish...
KATARINA: Thank you.
DOCTOR: Yes, yes, as you wish, my child. Now I want you to keep an eye on that young man, hmm?
KATARINA: Yes, great god.
DOCTOR: Could probs get used to this, not gonna lie.

The Doctor remembers that they kind of need to stop at a Boots or something, because Steven's in pretty bad shape and the TARDIS doesn't have a First Aid kit, and then the episode ENDS.


It ends WITHOUT VICKI IN THE TARDIS.

NOPE. NO THANK YOU.

NOPE.

Moosh