Wednesday, September 26

The Daleks' Master Plan Part 3/12: Devil's Planet

Katarina, Steven and Bret are trying to steal the GUARDIAN OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM's spaceship so they can fly to Earth and warn everyone about the shit the Daleks are trying to pull. The Doctor disguised himself as a Dementor scarecrow to sneak into the Dalek meeting (look, I didn't write it, that's just what HAPPENED) but someone set off the intruder alarm. Bret heard it and he's taking off without the Doctor on board.

Luckily, the Doctor makes it out of Dalek HQ and sort of waddle-runs (he's still wearing the Dementor cloak) to the spaceship and makes it inside just as the doors are closing. CLOSE CALL, RIGHT. Bret manages to take off and they leave the planet of Kembel far behind!

The crew settle in for the journey and have a light, casual conversation about the Daleks' plan to take over the Universe. Steven, attracted to shiny things, goes to open the box that the Taranium is hidden inside, but the Doctor stops him. Here is some actual show dialogue:

DOCTOR: It'll burn your eyes - you'll go totally blind! That is a full emm of Taranium!
BRET: What?! That can only be found on the planet Uranus. A full measure would take years to mine!
DOCTOR: Fifty years, to be surprise - to be precise.

Awwww he said 'surprise'! Even though he meant precise! William Hartnell you are a bit shit at this job, aren't you, babe?

Back in Dalekland, Mavic Chen, representative of the Solar System; Zephon, representative of the Fifth Galaxy; and the Daleks, mediocre pepperpot masterminds, are all fighting over whose fault it is that the Doctor and his band of merry travellers have stolen the Taranium and flown away. Eventually they decide that ZEPHON is to blame because he allowed himself to be kidnapped, knocked out, and stripped of his clothing. God, Zephon, how could you be so stupid.

After arguing a bit more, eventually Zephon is like, "Right, fine, I'll leave. But if I go I'm taking some of the other galaxy representatives with me cos they're my HOMIES." The Daleks aren't a huge fan of that idea.

(That's what an old-school Dalek extermination looks like. Whatever, man, Zephon brought it on himself.)

Pretty pleased with their achievement, the Daleks continue to wallow in their badassery by sending up a bunch of speedy spaceships to follow the TARDIS crew (seriously, is nobody going to worry about the TARDIS?). The speedyships send out a RANDOMISER BEAM which makes Mavic Chen's ship veer off into the gravitational pull of the planet Desperus, which turns out to be the Solar System's prison planet; if they crash on it and break their ship, they'll never be able to leave. Luckily, though, the Daleks take control of their ship and slow their descent right down so they can land with everything remaining intact. Those helpful little death machines of hate.

Inside a cave on Desperus, three beardy men are fighting over a knife. They have names, but they're dumb future names (Kirkson, Garge, and Bors) that are difficult to remember, so I'm going to hope that they're not recurring characters and call them Blond Beard, Burly Beard and Brown Beard. I think they're all slightly deranged; they care a LOT about this knife. They see Mavic's ship crash on the planet and figure, hey, they could steal it and use it to escape! (Blond Beard: "We can kill the crew with the knife!")

The spaceship, though, is surrounded by boggy marshland which is inhabited by Screamers (from what I understand, sort of vicious bat things?). The light from the Beards' torches keeps them away, but they have to throw away their torches so (a) other inmates of Desperus won't see them and get the same idea of stealing the ship and also (b) the swamp is pretty tricky to navigate with... one hand? Idk, I'm just going with what the show tells me.

I mean, as soon as the torches go out, the Screamers attack, so. Blond Beard runs away but the other two PERSEVERE for GREAT JUSTICE.

Katarina, who is standing by the door gazing out at the shiny new planet that's apparently the next step on the way to the afterlife, sees some movement outside the ship! She calls the Doctor over and he hmms a little bit, as is his wont, and then hands Katarina a cable and tells her to flick the switch when he tells her to. She does so and, oh dear, it electrifies the swampy ground so the two Beards get electrocuted!

Bret and Steven look up from where they're trying to regain control of the spaceship to ask what the hell the Doctor thinks he's doing, but the Doctor tells them to go back to work, somehow managing to be smug even in this one little exchange.

BRET: What do you think you're playing at?
DOCTOR: Oh, you two go back in there and get on with your repairs. Katarina and I are trying to repel any type of boarders.
BRET: But catic power isn't strong enough to kill anyone.
DOCTOR: Of course not, but it will knock them unconscious. Now, just you remember, young man, I have no desire to kill anyone! Now go in there and get on with those repairs. I want to leave this place quickly. Hurry up, please! Hmm! Wasting my time!
BRET: ... that's really astonishing, how you manage to act so superior even though you're quite clearly the worst character in the show. How do you even do it. How.

They all go back to whatever they were doing before the Doctor indulged in a bit of light electricity play, and everything is cool until WHOOPS, the Daleks have caught up with them and are about to land on the planet! Shiiiit. Bret shoves the broken bit of engine back together with duct tape and BOOM, they're ready to go.

The Doctor sends Katarina to the doors to check that they're secure before they take off - turns out? Lol nope! Blond Beard crashes into the ship, carrying - and I will admit I laughed aloud here - the KNIFE!

Ah man, some crazy shit is going down here. I WONDER WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT. Whatever it is, I hope the Doctor arranges therapy for Katarina. Poor girl is going to need it.


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