The Daleks' Master Plan Part 12/12: Destruction of Time

Hello and welcome to part twelve of That Fucking Dalek Serial! It has been a long time coming - I watched part one on September 19th. Today is November 3rd. I'm beginning to forget that sometimes this show has things other than dubious Dalek plotlines. I have vague memories of some chick called Vicki and another one called Katarina and my soulmate called Paris, but they're all either dead or abandoned. The names Susan, Ian and Barbara ring a bell, but I don't think I cared about them very much. At least the first Doctor has been a constant throughout this emotional turmoil, because he's a really cool character who's always in the know and is a kind and gentle soul and I like him a lot.

OH WAIT.

Sigh. Steven and Sara are being herded into a secret cave on Kembel by Mavic Chen, who pretended to be dead for two minutes and then appeared again to threaten them with a gun. The Daleks, who pretended to have left, are chilling out in said secret cave for unknown reasons. Fuck knows where the Doctor is, the last few episodes he's just been sneaking off on his own for a while. Maybe he has some personal things he's going through, idk.

Mavic Chen is starting to look a little crazy. He seems sure that the Doctor is trying to take Mavic's place in cohorts with the Daleks and is going to take Steven and Sara to the Dalek Supreme so he can get a pat on the back for foiling the plot, or something. So the three of them make it to this underground control room where the Daleks are preparing for a bunch of invading and tries to show off his excellent prisoner-capturing skills. The Daleks do not give a shit.

MAVIC CHEN: Once again, I, Mavic Chen, Guardian of the Solar System, have helped the Daleks with their conquest plan!
DALEK SUPREME: Our alliance has ended.
MAVIC CHEN: What? But I have helped you time and time again with your absurd incompetence! I, Mavic Chen, will decide when the Alliance is at an end.
DALEKS: ...
MAVIC CHEN: You, Dalek Supreme, tell them they're to take their orders from me.
DALEKS: ...
MAVIC CHEN: I assume that this silence means that the orders have been passed. Good. You, Dalek! Bring me the invasion reports.
DALEK: ...
MAVIC CHEN: It is essential that I know what stage the countdown has reached. Now, move!
DALEK SUPREME: Yo, someone take this dude away and kill him, yeah? I'd do it here myself but I don't wanna fuck up my invasion equipment. Kthx.

Mavic Chen realises that, hey, maybe these machines of death actually mean business, and runs away. A few Daleks follow him, and while they're distracted, who should sneak up behind Steven and Sara but the Doctor! He gives Steven the TARDIS key and tells him to take Sara and run, head right for the TARDIS. Steven asks what the Doctor is going to do while they do that, and the Doctor smiles his crazy smile and tells him that he's gonna set off the Time Destructor. Definitely has some issues he needs to work through, man.

The Daleks exterminate Mavic Chen (cheers can be heard throughout several galaxies) and head back to the control room, where the Doctor has just activated the Time Destructor. The Daleks are pretty wary of the crazy man with the LITERAL TIME BOMB, so the Doctor makes them do what he says otherwise he'll blow shit up. Using trickery and cloaks (because Dalek floors are made of metal; if they lose contact with the floor then everything stops working), the Doctor engineers his own escape and traps all the Daleks in a room while he runs away with the Time Destructor in hand.

On his way back to the TARDIS, the Doctor bumps into Sara, who left Steven to go back and help the Doctor. The Doctor chastises her for this foolishness, but Sara says that it's cool, Steven was pretty much back at the TARDIS anyway, he'll be there waiting for them.

UNFORTUNATELY, the Time Destructor, being activated and all, is starting to destroy time. There's a crazy wind a-brewin' and the Doctor and Sara are beginning to age like crazy.

They make it a good way, but they get in pretty bad shape, both falling to the floor and pulling themselves along. But then LUCKILY they turn a corner and find themselves in the clearing where the TARDIS is! Steven, who was inside the TARDIS and watching the crazy shit happening outside on the scanner, is pretty happy to see them, and rushes outside.

Fucking hellllll, so the forest has just turned into a bunch of dust now, and before Steven can get to Sara and the Doctor, Sara DIES OF OLD AGE and TURNS INTO A SKELETON which then COLLAPSES INTO DUST, which is terrible, because she was my new favourite character. Shit. RIP, Sara Kingdom, your bloodthirsty badassery will live on in our hearts.

Steven, whose hair is getting a little grey, fiddles desperately with the Time Destructor, trying to make it stop forcing death on them all. After a while he gives up and throws it aside, and hurries over to the prone figure of the Doctor. The Doctor is barely conscious, but manages to shove Steven towards the TARDIS and stagger after him.

Once inside, it turns out Steven's pressing of random buttons actually started reversing time instead of accelerating it, so things aren't all bad! Except Sara is just scattered particles and will REMAIN SO, god.

Suddenly, Daleks. Steven and the Doctor are now inside the TARDIS, safe from the Time Destructor's effects, but the Daleks, not so much. They start firing their egg whisks at the Time Destructor, trying to turn it off, but that doesn't seem to be working. The Time Destructor works its reversey magic on them, and they start falling apart, their outsides collapsing and showing off the tentacley insides and then THOSE turn into dust and that scatters in the crazy wind like the Saradust did and golly gosh. I don't really know how the Daleks planned on using this thing to take over the Universe, but there's no denying it's a powerful bit of space junk.

After a while, the Taranium inside the Time Destructor runs out, and the Doctor and Steven emerge from the TARDIS.

DOCTOR: Mavic Chen's Taranium Core has finally burnt itself out.
STEVEN: I wish Sara could have seen the end.
DOCTOR: Yes, my boy, so do I. You know, Steven, the one thing that Sara lived for was to see the total destruction of the Daleks. Well, now it's all over. Without her help, this could never have been achieved, hmm?
STEVEN: Yeah.
DOCTOR: Look! Millions of years of progress reversed back - that's all that remains of a Dalek!
STEVEN: Lets go, Doctor. I've seen enough of this place.
DOCTOR: Well, my boy, we finally rid this planet of Daleks!
STEVEN: STOP BEING SO HAPPY ABOUT ALL THIS DEATH, FUCK.

It's done! We made it! There were casualties on the way, it's true, but every great journey has risks. Was it worth it? Not really. But we never have to do this again. The rest of season three has a bunch of four-parter episodes, and they are wonderful things. I will see you with the first episode of the next serial - The Massacre - tomorrow. With a name like that, we're definitely in for a more cheerful time, am I right?

This show, Jesus.

Moosh

The Daleks' Master Plan Part 11/12: The Abandoned Planet

The Doctor stole a thing from his fellow Time Lord to make his TARDIS not shit any more! Said other Time Lord, the Monk, is now stuck bouncing aimlessly through time and space, and the Doctor, Steven and Sara are trying to fix up the Doctor's TARDIS but are getting a little bit blown up for their troubles. The Daleks and Mavic Chen have the hunk of Taranium that they've been after for the entire course of the serial, and are going to use it to power a Time Destructor that will make them leaders of the universe or something idk.

Turns out, though, the Doctor, Steven and Sara are not as blown up as we thought! Bad news, though: the directional unit has completely melted down. Looks like the TARDIS is staying shit for a little while longer, and also they have no way of getting back to Kembel. The Daleks are gonna take over the universe and everyone is just going to have to deal with it.

Oh, but, hang on, they check out the scanners to see if there's a Dalek time machine kicking around that they could maybe steal, and they're not in Egypt any more. They're in KEMBEL, FANCY THAT. The directional unit was one trip only, so yeah the TARDIS is still shit, but also there's a chance of taking down the Daleky overlords. How convenient.

In Dalek HQ, the Taranium is being fitted into the Time Destructor. The other galaxy representatives are getting really sick of Mavic Chen's shit and, ooh! Celation is back! Remember, the dude who was laughing when the Daleks exterminated another galaxy rep back in episode 8? I don't think I ever included a picture of him, he's probably my favourite alien so far.

 

Celation is REALLY not happy that Mavic Chen is still kicking around, and is even more pissed off that Mavic is privy to more of the Daleks' plan than the other representatives, because he hangs out with the Daleks so much. Mavic Chen is all, 'SFTU, ur just jealous because I'm the Dalek Supreme's favurit' and all the galaxy reps go mental. Mavic Chen takes out his gun and shoots one.

Things quieten down a little (the Dalek Supreme sneaked away during the crazy) but Celation is still not on Team Mavic Chen, surprisingly.

CELATION: We have all served the common cause! All of us!

MAVIC CHEN: Indeed we have. But I, Mavic Chen, was solely responsible for the recovery of the Core of the Time Destructor. Because of this, I naturally precede anyone here. For without my power, the Daleks cannot succeed. You do appreciate the point!
CELATION: There remains one question. Where is our co-ruler, the Dalek Supreme?
MAVIC CHEN: He - he was... Oh. Er. It is clear that he knows that I can run this council without his aid!
DALEK: It's clear you're an irritating prick that none of us like, actually. Shit is about to go down, guys, brace yourselves for some Dalek action! :D

In the forest, Steven and Sara are complaining about having to traipse through the jungle. Steven warns Sara to watch out for the Varga plants, to which she replies, '... what Varga plants?' because there are NONE AROUND. They look at each other and are like, 'Dude, are we actually even ON Kembel?', and then figure that the Doctor was pretty sure so they're almost definitely on Kembel, right, Doctor? Only the Doctor has disappeared, so.

Steven and Sara decide that, well, okay, the Doctor has probably gone to the Dalek HQ, so they should probably go too. After a little bickering, they do that and when they get there, everywhere is deserted. They wander into the control room, which is also empty, and stumble upon the Daleks' time machine and decide to make sure they stay undercover and not-exterminated by using the LOUDSPEAKER to tell the Daleks to send the Doctor to the control room. Um, okay, guys, good work.

Oh, see, I was thinking that maybe Sara and Steven were on Kembel but were just in a different time, but not so much. Mavic Chen, who has been herded into a cell with the other galaxy representatives, replies to the broadcast on the intercom system that apparently the Daleks have.

Celation and the other alien dudes drag Mavic Chen away from the speaker because they don't like him having fun in any way, and tell Steven and Sara that they are the Galactic Council! And they're locked in a detention cell! And could you please come and let us out, Steven, we are so trapped and helpless. And Steven FUCKING AGREES. COME ON, MAN, I KNOW YOU'RE ADORABLE AND DIM BUT THIS IS ANOTHER LEVEL.

God, and then Sara joins in. Sara I expected better of you. They find the cell where all the galaxy reps are, and Steven demands to know where the Doctor is. The representatives are adamant that they don't know, and Steven almost refuses to let them out, but then they all insist that they want to take down the Daleks because they have been betrayed and Sara is all for any and all acts of violence that would occur, so that happens. Brilliant. You guys are doing really well this episode. Con-grat-u-lations.

Everyone seems to be in agreement that due to the facts that (a) the Daleks have the Taranium and (b) they have disappeared off somewhere, that they're probably already making a start on all the invading they planned on doing. To this end, the galaxy representatives decide that they're all going to go back to their own parts of the universe and warn their people of the oncoming Dalek shitstorm.

Steven and Sara stand outside watching everyone take off in their own little spaceships. They all get off just fine, except Mavic Chen, whose spaceship explodes, which is unfortunate for him, but good news for everyone else because that guy was one hell of a douchenozzle. Hilariously, Steven's reaction is pretty much, 'Oh well. Best go find the Doctor then, hey?'

But then what do they happen to see but a Dalek sneaking off to an UNDERGROUND LAIR. I'm sure this is meant to be very intriguing and all but oh my god I am so ready for this serial to end. Where is the Doctor and why do the other characters care about finding him because he's actually really shit. Why was the TARDIS good for all of three minutes. Why do they keep killing off/abandoning my favourite characters. I have all sorts of problems with this show, geez.

I mean, back to the actual episode: Steven and Sara follow the Dalek (obviously) and then Mavic Chen appears because he's not actually dead and nobody CARES oh my god. He's still as much of a prick as he ever was.

STEVEN: The representatives gone and the Doctor disappeared - we're gonna have to put them out of action ourselves or Earth will still be invaded.
MAVIC CHEN: Certainly! Thanks to you.
SARA: Chen! But you're dead!
MAVIC CHEN: Not yet, my innocent one, though I'm delighted my pyrotechnic display impressed you. No, I am alive and soon shall be master of the universe! Perhaps, Kingdom, you'd like to lead the way.
SARA: Perhaps, Chen, you'd like to suck my dick. I am so done with this bullshit.

Next - and FINAL!!!1! - episode of The Daleks' Master Plan tomorrow!

Moosh

The Daleks' Master Plan Part 10/12: Escape Switch

It is ANCIENT EGYPT and Steven and Sara have stumbled upon the Doctor's TARDIS in this cavey, tomby place. Coincidentally, it is also the place the Doctor and the Monk had an as-of-yet unnamed showdown, where the Doctor went a little batshit. Dunno where either the Monk and the Doctor are right now, but there's a mummy emerging from a sarcophagus so that's almost definitely one or the other of them. Also there are Daleks kicking around somewhere with their homie Mavic Chen. It's all happening. Crazy shit going down. Etc.

Sara notices the mummy and goes a little pale; Steven remains wonderfully level-headed and goes over and just unwraps the bandages to reveal the MONK, who is grateful to be unravelled. He tells them how mental the Doctor went and how all he wanted to do was to warn them about the Daleks. Steven and Sara look at him suspiciously and ask him where the Doctor went. The Monk says he doesn't know, he's innocent in all this, he just popped to Egypt for a bit of sightseeing; the others ignore him and wonder whether they should go find the Doctor or just wait there for him to come back.

STEVEN: Well then, what do we do? Go out again and take a chance on missing him? Or just stay here?
SARA: If he meets the Daleks, he will need our help.
MONK: Stay here. Definitely. I've... got a terrible headache.
STEVEN: What happens if we meet them?
SARA: We'll just have to take that chance.
MONK: No doubt the Doctor has got some - drug or other?
STEVEN: All right, we'll go, but I won't even pretend that I like the idea.
MONK: Maybe you guys should give me the TARDIS key and I'll wait in there just in case he comes back? And I can look for, um, medicine. For my headache.

Steven tells the Monk to STFU, they couldn't let him into the TARDIS even if they wanted to cos the Doctor is the only one with a key. The Monk is disappointed and grudgingly agrees to join them on the Doctor hunt.

Because Steven is a little slow, he rushes outside and immediately starts shouting the Doctor's name. Obviously, there are other people hanging around, namely Mavic Chen and the Daleks, and they have ears too. It doesn't take long before the Daleks descend on the gang, and the Monk tries to talk his way out of the situation by saying that they shouldn't kill him because he has fulfilled his part of the bargain! Mavic Chen holds out a sassy little hand for the Taranium core and the Monk says that he doesn't have the Taranium core, exactly, but he did bring along some hostages!

Steven calls bullshit, but Mavic Chen figures that this could work! The Doctor would definitely swap the Taranium for the lives of his little human friends, so they have a new plan! The Monk congratulates himself on his mad thinkin' skillz.

They're all herded over to the Daleks' time machine, and the Daleks wheel around setting up this long-range loudspeaker so they can taunt the Doctor out of hiding. Meanwhile, the Monk sidles up to Steven and Sara and tries to make small talk. Steven and Sara are understandably incredulous at this, but the Monk is all, 'You're welcome for me saving your lives just now, jeez.' He has so much nerve, it's brilliant. I think I like him.

Mavic Chen heads on over to the loudspeaker and makes the appropriate threatening statements about what'll happen to the companions should the Doctor fail to show up with the Taranium. The Doctor, who wears a hat now (hats are c--no, I can't do it, I'm sorry), hears this and has a little think.

It doesn't take him long to make a decision; he pops right on over to where the Daleks are hanging out and tries to negotiate with them. The Daleks are pretty fucking desperate for that Taranium, as they don't exterminate the shit out of him when he's obnoxious and annoying - instead, they agree to the Doctor's terms, which are to bring the prisoners and meet at the corner of the Great Pyramid.

So that happens, and the Doctor makes the handover as dramatic and irritating as possible. Mavic Chen gets the Taranium, and all of a sudden the Egyptian locals, who've been kicking around a little throughout the course of the episode, descend on the Daleks and start attacking them. Most of them get exterminated no problem, but the one of them falls down dead right in front of a Dalek. The other Egyptians see this and just build a little circle of bricks around the edge of the Dalek so it can't move. Brilliant.

While the Daleks are getting embarrassed over their fatal flaw, the Doctor, Steven and Sara meet up in the tomb where the TARDIS is. The Doctor breaks the news that, actually, he just gave Mavic Chen the real Taranium because there wasn't time to make a better plan, so the last nine episodes were completely pointless. But! He also stole the directional unit from the Monk's TARDIS! They can decide where they want to go now! This is VERY EXCITING NEWS.

The Monk is less pleased with this development. He's just discovered that his TARDIS now looks like a police box so the Daleks are going to follow him through time if anything goes wrong with the Taranium, and also when he dematerialises he ends up on a PLANET OF ICE, which is definitely not where he wanted to be. There's a dramatic moment where he looks up to the sky, shakes his fist and does a 'DOCTORRRRR!' shout, which made me laugh. Probs won't be seeing him again any time soon, is my point.

In the Doctor's TARDIS, the Doctor casually mentions that there's actually a very slim chance of the Monk's directional unit being compatible with their TARDIS. There are two ways this could go, he says. One, everything will be fine and they can programme in where they want to go and it's all lovely. But also two, the more likely option, everything is going to explode. So.

With this in mind, he cheerfully switches the TARDIS engines on and fires that bad boy up. Three guesses what happens.

Gonna try and watch an episode a day for the whole of November, something that I'm almost positive will not last the entire month, but chances are I'll see you tomorrow and Saturday so we can FINALLY BE DONE WITH THIS SERIAL OH MY GOD.

Moosh

The Daleks' Master Plan Part 9/12: Golden Death

So the TARDIS has started bouncing through time and everyone's having a lot of fun. I don't really know what their goal is, exactly; Sara wants to go back to Kembel and blow everything up, but, like... they can't control where the TARDIS goes. So.

The DALEKS, however, they've got time travel down, so they're sending off a time machine (with Mavic Chen in it) to follow the TARDIS around the time-space continuum. The first place the TARDIS stops is Egypt next to some pyramids. The lock on the TARDIS door is still a bit dodgy, so the Doctor wants to fix that before they do anything else. Steven is put on lookout duty so he can keep an eye out for the Monk's TARDIS following them (so the Monk can control his? Just nick that one, Doctor, surely. Or, if it's not the TARDIS that is the problem, learn how to DRIVE IT).

And lo and behold, after five minutes on the lookout, Steven sees something! We lucky viewers are fully aware that the thing Steven is looking at isn't a meddlin' Monk, but is in fact a Dalek ship, but obviously adorably slow Steven takes a few minutes to reach the same conclusions.

STEVEN:  Well, it didn't work this time, did it?
SARA:  What hasn't?
STEVEN:  The Monk's TARDIS. It usually blends in with it's surroundings like the Doctor's should.
SARA:  Maybe the Monk didn't bother this time.
STEVEN: Also the Monk seems to be dressed as a Dalek, I wonder what that's about? Do you reckon there's a costume party? It is Halloween.

Steven and Sara, once they figure out this little logic puzzle, rush to go tell the Doctor about their new visitors. But alas! Before they can do that they are brutally attacked by some Egyptian locals. Sara, bless her, tries really hard to take them down, but she's knocked out before she can start shooting everything.

But then the locals see Mavic Chen and the Daleks and assume that they're all part of the same group of intruders. They go to attack them, and the Daleks obviously waste no time in killing them all. There's a good bit of dialogue that actually makes me appreciate the Daleks as an enemy for once:

DALEK 1:  Did we sustain damage?
DALEK 2:  No. It was only inhabitants of this time and planet.
DALEK 3:  Unimportant.
DALEK 2:  Exterminate them on sight.

Oooh. Chilling. Meanwhile, the Monk finally shows up. The Doctor sees his TARDIS land (in the shape of a big pyramid brick, cos it has a chameleon circuit that actually works), and realises that the ship that he heard land a while ago must have been DALEKS! Oh no! Shit! Curses! Gosh and golly!

But instead of doing anything about this, the Doctor just casually follows the Monk - who has emerged from his TARDIS in the middle of ancient Egypt wearing MIRRORED SUNGLASSES I shit you not.

The shades aren't giving the Monk a lot of luck, though; he runs into Mavic Chen and the Daleks pretty quickly. The Daleks are all ready to exterminate the crap out of him, but Mavic Chen stops them. Pretty coincidental to have three time machines all landing in the same spot, Mavic Chen says, so chances are you know the dude we're after, amirite? The Monk is all, 'Well, 'know' is a pretty strong word,' but Mavic Chen charges him with becoming BFFs with the Doctor and tricking him out of the Taranium anyway. The Monk eyes the Daleks a little before agreeing that he can definitely do that, yeah.

The Monk then goes back to his TARDIS to grab an energy tracker so he can find the Doctor and his homebros, and then when he leaves again, the Doctor (who has been watching him the whole time) creeps right on in to the Monk's TARDIS, switches the outside to look like a 1960's police telephone box, then breaks off the chameleon circuit and wanders right back outside.

Meanwhile, Steven and Sara are tied up in some dusty room somewhere. Sara, because she's freakin' awesome, has found a bit of broken pottery to cut through their rope, and then shouts out to bring the guards into the room. The guards come in and she promptly dusts them off no problem. Steven is reminded of the sexy Drahvins and crosses his legs to avoid tenting.

The local Egyptians have moved the Doctor's TARDIS into a tomb, and the Monk (and the Doctor, who is following him) finds it with his little energy tracker device thing. The Doctor comes out from behind the doorway and is all, 'Oh, cool, my TARDIS! Thanks for leading me to it, bro!' The Monk laughs weakly and says that, you know, these things can actually change what they look like to fit with their surroundings and if you want, Doctor, we can both go inside your TARDIS and I can show you how to do that. The Doctor laughs in his face and says he saw the Monk with the Daleks. The Monk tries to play it cool.

MONK:  Do you know, I knew there was something I had to tell you. I've come here to warn you about the Daleks. I played them along their own game for quite a time but they don't like you, you know. They don't like you at all.
DOCTOR:  Why didn't you?
MONK:  What?
DOCTOR:  Warn me.
MONK:  Oh... well. You were talking at the time. I didn't want to interrupt.
DOCTOR: Well, shit, I'm convinced.

Instead of giving the Monk a nice little tour of the TARDIS, the Doctor instead... well, he goes a little mental, I dunno what to tell you. He starts brandishing his walking stick at the Monk and laughing manically. It's a little concerning for everyone involved, and the scene cuts away before you find out what he's up to. The Monk looks shit scared, though.

We're then back with Sara and Steven, who are kicking around the tomb entrance looking for the Doctor and the TARDIS. They find the TARDIS and figure, hey, the Doctor must be around here somewhere, so they start shouting his name, when all of a sudden the tomb lid opens and a bandaged hand emerges from inside. WHAT COULD THIS MEAN?

Clearly the BBC knew that I'd be watching this episode on Halloween. Good work on the time travel, there, Beeb.

Moosh

The Daleks' Master Plan Part 8/12: Volcano

There is no way I can sum up what happened last episode in one handy little introductory paragraph. Thankfully, I'm pretty sure all you need to know is that Steven, Sara and the Doctor are in the TARDIS, drinking heavily. Although maybe the drinking isn't too important. I imagine the Dalek stuff is still happening, but there was pretty much no mention of it last episode, so maybe not! Maybe we don't still have FIVE EPISODES of this serial left to go! (But I am not too hopeful of that.)

All right so we are straight back into serious business Dalek action! I get the impression that this is the BBC's way of reminding us that, while absolutely mental things are allowed to happen at Christmas, this show is still British, and must be taken seriously at all other times.

The Daleks are finally getting round to testing the lump of fake Taranium that Steven gave them a couple episodes ago, back when he was a zombie. Mavic Chen (GUARDIAN OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM) is having a chat with two other Galaxy Representatives, Celation and Trantis. Celation and Trantis are a little pissy because it was residents of Earth that nicked off with the Taranium in the first place, and Mavic Chen gets all defensive and tells them that only two of them were humans! And they were under the influence of an evil creature from another galaxy! Celation and Trantis scoff and say, well, he looked human enough, and Mavic Chen tells them that the Daleks know of him, he's some kind of time and space traveller. So that's the first indication we've had that the Daleks know who the Doctor is and that's kind of cool.

The Daleks interrupt them and are all like, "Yo dudes we're gonna need a person to fire the Time Destructor at to make sure that it's working," and then select Trantis as the lucky recipient of that honour. So they bung him into a room and fire this thing at him and Trantis flinches away from it and Mavic Chen and Celation laugh at him.

MAVIC CHEN: So, that's what's supposed to happen. A kind of abject insanity.
CELATION: I do not know, though I always thought Trantis was a little unstable anyway.
TRANTIS: THIS WAS NOT IN THE 'TAKE OVER THE UNIVERSE' CONTRACT THAT I SIGNED. I WANT TO SEE A LAWYER.

The Time Destructor obviously doesn't work and everyone immediately glares accusingly at Mavic Chen, who shits himself only a little bit and blames the time travellers! And the Daleks! And it definitely wasn't his fault, guys, really! The Daleks consider this and instead of killing him, make him wait there while they get a time machine sent to Kembel (the planet their HQ is on) from Skaro (the Dalek home planet), and they kill Trantis instead. Trantis is displeased by how his life has turned out.

Inside the TARDIS, there's a scanner showing that something is following them, though they don't know what. Sara immediately says that they have to go back to Kembel to BLOW ALL THE DALEK SHIPS UP just in case it's them, the Doctor tells her to calm her murderous urges and instead starts bouncing through time. They land briefly in the middle of an England-v-Australia cricket game on Earth (is there any other kind of cricket game on Earth?), which none of them understand at all, and then dematerialise and show up again on a planet called Tigus, where there are volcanoes erupting everywhere, and at which point the dot showing that someone was following them disappears.

SARA: It's stopped.
STEVEN: What does that mean, Doctor? Have we shaken it off?
DOCTOR: No, my boy, we haven't shaken them off. Whoever it was following us has landed, they've landed out there.
SARA: Cool! Then we can kill them, right? Just a little bit of death? I haven't murdered anything for like three episodes, I'm boooooored.

And it turns out the thing that was following them wasn't the Daleks at all, it was the Monk! The Time Lord from the end of series 2 that the Doctor trapped in 1066! THAT'S REALLY COOL. What's not so cool, apart from the magma going mental over the surface of the planet, is that despite the fact that (a) the surface of Tigus is MADE OF VOLCANOES and (b) they know someone who was chasing them has landed on the planet, the Doctor, Sara and Steven LEAVE THE TARDIS and go to check out the environment.

While the three idiots are off being idiotic, the Monk sneaks over to the TARDIS and does something to the lock.

After that's done, he goes to find the Doctor and his companions to have a little showdown and to laugh at how now THEY'RE the trapped ones so see how they like THAT.

The Monk clears off and the gang go back to the TARDIS to see what's what and they find themselves locked out. Steven and the Doctor get into yet ANOTHER little fight as Steven tries to pick the lock and it doesn't work, then the Doctor holds his ring to the lock and it glows and then everything's fine again? Steven asks what just happened, exactly, and as the Doctor is wise and full of knowledge, he kindly shares his wisdom with the young inquiring minds that he's travelling with.

STEVEN: How did you break that lock?
THE DOCTOR: Oh, that's all very simple, dear boy. You see, the sun in that particular galaxy has very unusual powers. I merely reflected its powers through that ring. The combined forces of that sun together with the stone in that ring was sufficient enough to correct the Monk's interference.
STEVEN: Yes, but what properties does it have?
THE DOCTOR: Now, I don't want to discuss this any more. About turn, and do as you're told. Go along.

Smooth, Doc, well done.

The TARDIS takes off again and lands on New Year's Day, 1966, (the Doctor, Steven and Sara all don't know what New Year's Day is) but back on Kembel, the Daleks now know where the TARDIS is and are preparing to follow it! There's a cool bit where the countdown to midnight on Earth matches the countdown to the Dalek ship taking off and then it is READY AND BEGINS THE PURSUIT.

Aaaand end credits! The title of the next episode is 'Golden Death', which Sara should be a fan of, and hopefully this is going to be the last stretch of this serial before it ends. (The Daleks' Master Plan is the longest serial of Doctor Who, don't worry, we'll never have to do this again.) Excited to see how this GRIPPING EPIC concludes.

Moosh

The Daleks' Master Plan Part 7/12: The Feast of Steven

The Doctor, Steven and Sara Kingdom have flown away in the TARDIS after giving the Daleks a fake hunk of Taranium for their machine of death and destruction. They have no idea where they are because the scanner is broken - the only thing they know is that the atmosphere outside the TARDIS is poisonous. "So dematerialise and go somewhere else!" you may be thinking. No, I know, that would make sense. But the first Doctor is kind of dumb, so they're all just gonna stay there for a while.

But we are not hanging out with them right now, we're in a police yard with three police dudes. The script mentions the fact that they're Liverpudlian several times, but in reality their accents are barely even Generic Northern. Don't worry, BBC, I know enough southerners to understand that you guys can't tell us apart. I don't blame you. (Racists.)

The Scouse Bobbies are singing and - wait, seriously? They're singing Good King Wenceslas. Okay. Well. That's the title of the episode out of the way with, isn't it. And it's a Christmas special! How nice. (I just looked it up - it was actually a Christmas episode! Aired December 25th, 1965. Our last 1965 episode too oh gosh all kinds of cool things are happening today.)

All three of Scouse Bobbies are taken by surprise when they see a shiny new police box sitting in the yard (and it warms me a little to remember that police boxes were just an ordinary thing in England back when this aired); Scouse Sergeant sets his two Scouse minions to watch it just in case it... does something, and he goes off to... fetch someone? I dunno, he didn't really explain himself.

Back inside the TARDIS, the Doctor and Steven are arguing again because the Doctor wants to go outside to fix the scanner despite the TERRIBLE AIRBORNE POISON.

STEVEN: And just why, if it isn't safe for us, is it safe for you?
DOCTOR: Will neither of you understand?
SARA: For heaven's sake, let's go and fix the scanner!
DOCTOR: No! Where you come from, in both places, the air is pure. Outside there is the worst kind of pollution I've met in years!
VIEWER: ... I think I see where this is going. That IS racist. Kinda.

So the Doctor leaves the TARDIS and runs right into Scouse Bobby 1. He nods and says, "Good evening," and goes right back inside the TARDIS again; Scouse Bobby 1 automatically replies with a "Good evening," before he realises that a person has just emerged from the empty police box he was supposed to be guarding. He makes a noise of surprise and his friend comes over to ask what the deal is. Also I dunno whether this is legitimately funny or if I'm just enjoying the accents, but I laughed so much at this exchange:

SCOUSE BOBBY 2: What's up?
SCOUSE BOBBY 1: See that?
SCOUSE BOBBY 2: See what?
SCOUSE BOBBY 1: That then!
SCOUSE BOBBY 2: What when?
SCOUSE BOBBY 1: That door!
SCOUSE BOBBY 2: That door?
SCOUSE BOBBY 1: It opened!
SCOUSE BOBBY 2: Did it?
SCOUSE BOBBY 1: There's a bloke in there.
SCOUSE BOBBY 2: Oh, aye?

They sound like they're trying to be the Chuckle Brothers omg (and I realise how inaccessible this entire post is going to be to anyone who is not from a place in England anywhere north of Birmingham and I am sorry for that but let me enjoy my cultural heritage please and thank you).

Back inside the TARDIS, there's another good moment! The Doctor has told Steven and Sara that he saw some police, and Sara doesn't understand. The Doctor spells the word out for her, and she's all, "Oh cool! We're on your planet!" because they don't have policemen on Earth in the 41st century and it says the word 'POLICE' on the outside of the TARDIS. That's really adorable.

So the Doctor says he's going to go back outside to distract the northerners and Steven and Sara should wait a while then go out and fix the scanner. Steven reminds him that he said they shouldn't leave the TARDIS because of the atmosphere, and the Doctor is all like, "WELL I GUESS I SHOULD GO BACK OUTSIDE NOW LOL," and leaves. And then is immediately arrested by the Scouse Bobbies.

Man, I wonder if this episode had a different writer to the ones before it in the serial, because it keeps making me laugh, whereas I've been pretty unimpressed with the rest of The Daleks' Master Plan; this is almost definitely not relevant to the plot at all, but when the Doctor is escorted into the station, there's a dude at the desk talking to Scouse Sergeant.

DUDE: I've got a complaint.
SCOUSE SERGEANT: Well, the doctor's is just round the corner.
DUDE: No, no, no, no...I mean, I want to make a complaint. They keep moving me 'ouse.

So there's a fun but irrelevant moment for you. It's nice that I'm recording all the important bits so I can summarise the plot quickly and concisely.

Scouse Bobby 2 takes the Doctor into a room for questioning, and the Doctor just is not taking things seriously, telling the Scouse Bobby that he's a "citizen of the Universe and a gentleman" when he's asked whereabouts he's from.

Someone else who is not taking things seriously is Steven, as he just crept out of the TARDIS, stole a police uniform, and is now talking to the Scouse Sergeant in a legitimate Liverpudlian accent oh my GOD, STEVEN.

Steven manages to convince all the Scouse Bobbies (still speaking in his new and wonderful accent) that the Doctor is a crazy man that his division of policemen are used to. Because it's Christmas, the Scouse Bobbies are inclined to be more lenient towards crazy people trying to live inside police boxes, so they let Steven and the Doctor go. But then in the yard they all walk into Sara, who is messing with the outside of the TARDIS trying to fix the scanner. There's a bit of a kerfuffle, which ends in Sara getting frustrated and just elbowing a bunch of policemen in the stomach because she's fantastic, and the Doctor, Steven and Sara rush into the TARDIS and take off before the Scouse Bobbies can do anything.

The TARDIS lands again, still on Earth, and the gang take a quick look on the scanner to see where they're at. The console room is suddenly filled with the sounds of a woman screaming and a man laughing evilly so they rush outside to see what's going on. There's an American guy with a moustache (can never trust a man with a moustache) who's enthusing about how now nobody will ever find out about his plan! The woman is tied to a conveyor and is moving steadily towards a circular saw and screaming her head off. Understandable, given the circumstances.

Obviously Steven, Sara and the Doctor rush straight in to help the woman and then some OTHER guy yells, "Cut!" It was a scene from a movie the whole time! Crazy. The actors go absolutely bonkers that their scene was ruined and some security people start chasing after Sara, Steven and the Doctor. Because the BBC were going mental for this episode, it then turns into a silent movie kind of deal?

And then Charlie Chaplain is there and oh god, you drank way too much sherry this episode, BBC.

All three of them get split up; Steven, still wearing his Scouse Bobby uniform, is mistaken for an actor, as is Sara, who is on a completely different set. And then the Doctor is mistaken for a professor of Arabian customs to help out at the set that Sara is hiding in a trunk from and gosh, this is definitely a little different from the Dalek action we have seen so far this serial.

But, to be fair, the Doctor is actually being really good this episode. I'm liking him!

DIRECTOR DUDE: This is a rich Sheik's tent.
DOCTOR: Oh, yes, and who's this?
DIRECTOR DUDE: She's an Arabian princess.
DOCTOR: Nonsense! You put some more clothes on, child. Go along.

The Doctor then stumbles into the trunk that Sara's hiding in and asks what it is; Sara climbs out of it and the director dude is all, "Dude you should be in the harem scene right now what are you doing this trunk," and then the Doctor and Sara run away.

Steven, as it turns out, was just hanging around in the wardrobe department and they run into him pretty quickly. The three of them stumble back into the set they first arrived in (the girl playing the chick tied to the conveyor goes mad when she sees them again) and then the security dudes chase them AGAIN and there's jaunty piano music accompanying all this, obviously, and the Doctor bumps into a clown and has a little chat with him and Steven and Sara run through the scene with the Sheik and the harem and the clown is complaining about Charlie Chaplin and this is a DALEK EPISODE, guys, I just thought I'd remind everyone of that.

Steven and Sara eventually reappear and the Doctor scoots them all into the TARDIS and they dematerialise, leaving all the movie guys trying to figure out what kind of special effect was used to make that happen.

Oh my GOD and then - okay, no, listen - then inside the TARDIS, the Doctor breaks out the booze and is all, "Well, it's Christmas!" and Sara and Steven do not complain and help themselves to the alcohol and THEN the Doctor TURNS TO THE CAMERA and says, "And a happy Christmas to all of you at home!"

HE TURNS TO THE CAMERA.

AND TELLS THE VIEWERS TO HAVE A HAPPY CHRISTMAS.

DOCTOR WHO, OH MY GOD.

Also, here's a cool thing that I found out today: there's a graphic novel based around Eleven and Amy where they land in a forest of Varga plants and mention Bret and Sara. It's finding out stuff like this that made me want to watch Classic Who in the first place. VERY COOL.

But also he spoke to the CAMERA. I bet you TEN ENGLISH POUNDS that that wasn't scripted and it was just Hartnell being his weird unprofessional self.

Moosh

The Daleks' Master Plan Part 6/12: Coronas of the Sun

Sooo right now we're on Planet Mira with Steven, the Doctor, Sara Kingdom and Daleks, who have just surrounded the Doctor and co. Bret is dead because Sara shot him and also it turns out Sara is Bret's SISTER and who even saw that coming because I did not. Also, the Daleks are still after this crazy powerful hunk of the element Taranium that the Doctor stole from them, and they're planning to take over the universe, or something. The Guardian of the Solar System, Mavic Chen, and his creepy henchman Karlton are working with the Daleks but no one from Earth knows about it and I think we're pretty much all caught up so let's get watching some Who.

The Daleks demand that the Doctor hand over the Taranium. The Doctor tries really, really hard to talk his way out of it, but One just does not have the charm that other incarnations do.

DALEK: You will hand over the Taranium.
DOCTOR: If I do, you gotta promise not to shoot us, man.
DALEK: ... nah, we'll probably shoot you either way, actually. Give us the Taranium.
DOCTOR: Aha, see! You don't want to shoot us because we have the Taranium and something might happen! How about we solve this little problem by--
DALEK: Yo, Dalek homies, everyone get in a line so we can exterminate this idiot.
DOCTOR: You look... pretty today? :D?

The Daleks all duly get into their favoured killing positions, but before their plungers and egg whisks can see any action, the invisible inhabitants of the planet start attacking them. The Daleks turn around and set about killing everything in... well, not everything in sight, but. They kill all the creatures, anyway. By the time that's over, though, the Doctor, Sara and Steven have sneaked away from the massacre, as you probably would in that situation, so good call there.

Except they sneak away to the Dalek spaceship, and the Doctor strolls right on over to the Dalek standing guard and tells him that they're giving themselves up. Probably recognising that he should really work on his skills of talking his way out of shit situations, the Doctor tries valiantly to engage the Dalek in conversation (at one point, he calls the Dalek "my tin friend", which is fantastic), while Steven oh-so-casually moves behind the Dalek and plants a mud pie right onto its eyestalk.

With the Guard Dalek thus incapacitated, the three of them head right on into the Dalek ship and lock the door and then TAKE OFF to head towards lands unknown.

The Daleks aren't best pleased about this new development, and the Dalek Supreme has a bit of a pop at Mavic Chen.

DALEK SUPREME: Mavic Chen, you have failed in your task.
MAVIC CHEN: Failed?! Is this my greeting? I agree that my mission was to return to Earth and recover the Taranium. This I have not done.
DALEK SUPREME: Failure will not be tolerated!
MAVIC CHEN: But I did notify you of the fugitives' whereabouts. The planet Mira.
DALEK SUPREME: You make your incompetence sound like an achievement.
MAVIC CHEN: Yeah, well, you have a stupid face.

On the Dalek spaceship, the Doctor is working on making a replica of the Taranium core to fool the Daleks. He gets it looking pretty perf, except the original core is glowy, and the new one is not. He and Sara mull this over for a while, and Steven eventually suggests using G-force to make the glow happen. Sara smirks and mocks Steven's primitive 23rd century technology.

BUT THEN the Daleks whack a magnetisation beam their way and the Doctor and Sara are distracted trying to stop themselves being pulled back to Kembel, where this whole mess started. Steven lets them get on with it and mumbles that G-force worked perfectly well in the 2200's, and decides to give it a bash anyway. Poor baby should stick to standing around looking pretty, cos he knocks himself out with the power surge. But it makes the fake Taranium all glowy, so it's not all bad! Gold star to Steven!

Meanwhile, Dalek HQ is pretty excited that they're getting back their hunk of Taranium and also three shiny new people to exterminate! Mavic Chen, who is kicking around on Kembel, dunno when that happened now I think about it, suggests that maybe they should all be shipped back to Earth for a trial! ... like, why? I don't understand the benefit of that, Chen, baby. Unless you are a good egg after all, which I DOUBT. The Daleks obviously dismiss that as a terrible idea and carry roping the ship in with the intention of grabbing the Taranium and killing everything.

On the ship, Steven has regained consciousness but is still really out of it. Also, he is surrounded by this forcefield of the G-force that he exploded all over himself. The Doctor sees this and comes up with a plan - when they land on Kembel, he urges Zombie Steven to walk in front.

Still really trying to be good at talking, the Doctor bats his eyelashes at the Daleks and says that he'll give them the Taranium (the fake one, which is in Zombie Steven's hand) but only in front of his ship. Hurrah, the TARDIS! He hasn't forgotten about it! The Daleks are reluctant, but eventually agree to it out of pure desire to shut the Doctor up because he is not good at this.

So the whole happy gang head over to the TARDIS and Sara and the Doctor skip right on inside, leaving Steven out in the jungle with the Daleks. Over the speaker, the Doctor instructs Zombie Steven to hand over the Taranium, which he does, before plodding slowly over to the ship. After a quick check to make sure the Taranium is as glowy as it should be (it is), the Dalek Supreme happily tells the Daleks to shoot Steven before he makes it back inside. But alas! Steven has a forcefield! So the beams of death just bounce right off him! He makes it inside and closes the door while the Daleks are looking at their egg whisks in confusion, and the TARDIS dematerialises the hell outta there.

The attempted murder has snapped Steven out of his daze, and inside the TARDIS he's all normal again. The Doctor allows him a few moments of peace before they get into a huge argument about the G-force thing; at one point, though, the Doctor absently says, "Now, where's the real Taranium?" which REALLY makes me hope that they've botched the handover because that would be brilliant.

However, because the world is not perfect, that doesn't seem to be the case; the crazy cliffhanger the episode ends on is just that wherever the TARDIS is now (because they still can't control where it goes), the atmosphere outside is poisonous. Not as shocking as I was hoping, but it'll do, I guess.

On the other hand,  the next episode is called The Feast of Steven, so I guess you can't have everything.

Moosh

The Daleks' Master Plan Part 5/12: Counter Plot

So in the previous episode, Blond Beard and Katarina got sucked out into space, Bret's friend Daxtar turned out to be (potentially) working for Mavic Chen (maybe) and got shot for his troubles, and Looks A Bit Like Vicki Sara Kingdom shot Bret while the Doctor and Steven ran away. A nice, fluffy, light-hearted episode where not much happened, then.

The Doctor and Steven - still running from the crazy lady with the gun - don't know that Bret has been wounded in action. They stumble on this weird room with a machine with mice inside it? The Doctor suggests that it's some kind of transmitter, and I dunno if it's just the novelty of seeing him actually move (this, along with episode 2 of this serial, have been the only surviving full episodes of season 3 so far), but apparently another of the room's powers is making Steven look a lot more attractive than usual. Not that he's ever unattractive, but. Is good.

In another science room elsewhere, two science dudes are doing some science. Their names are Froyn and Rhynmal and fucking hell, who cares about these stupid weird names. Calling them Frank and Raymond.

Frank and Raymond are in the middle of a "highly complicated experiment" when Borkar, the dude Sara Kingdom sent to look for Steven and the Doctor, bursts in and demands to know if they've seen anything weird. The science dudes politely tell him to piss off, and resume their work.

While Borkar is checking out various laboratories, Doesn't Mess About Sara Kingdom stalks right into the room where Steven and the Doctor are hanging out and makes it clear that she wants the Taranium back off them. Unfortunately, before she can finish brandishing her gun, the room goes mental. It apparently makes them enjoy themselves a little too much, which is all very well and good, but the Doctor's face looks like this:

Certainly not complaining about Sara Kingdom's, though.

OH, COOL. So the weird room that the Doctor and Steven (and now Sara) are in just so happens to be the site of the experiment that Frank and Raymond are doing and they all just got DISSEMINATED, which means they're being beamed light years across space to some random planet far far away.

After some really high-tech footage of the dissemination (lol nope), the Doctor and Steven wake up on Mira, another jungley planet. They try to wake up Sara, and succeed eventually, and also the viewer gets a cheeky insight to the fact that the inhabitants of Mira are invisible; the only sign of them moving around are these claw-like footprints.

Mavic Chen and his creepy head of security, Karlton, have another wankfest of a meeting where they talk about how cool they are, and they plan to tell the Daleks that shipping the fugitives and the buttload of Taranium to Mira was DEFINITELY ON PURPOSE. The Daleks (who are still kicking around, being mediocre as always) send a ship out to Mira to see what's what.

Don't Take No Shit From Nobody Sara Kingdom is trying to get the lowdown from the Doctor, who as usual is bullshitting his way through an explanation.

SARA: But how did we get here?
DOCTOR: Cellular dissemination.
SARA: Cellular what?
DOCTOR: To put it in... lay language, cellular dissemination means our bodies were broken up by some process or other, shot through into the fourth dimension and at a given point, reassembled again on this planet.
STEVEN: I don't know what at least half of those words mean.

The Doctor wanders off on his own to try and figure out where the hell they are, and Steven and Sara have a fight over the fact that Sara shot Bret (so I guess he's actually really dead, which sucks). Steven is really working the sexy dominant thing and Sara is giving as good as she gets and hot DAMN. Unfortunately, the Doctor reappears just before they start tearing each other's clothes off but THEN Sara reveals that Bret was in fact HER BROTHER and I genuinely just gasped aloud omg.

But also the Daleks have landed on the planet! They find the little box of mice and it scares them, so they blow it up. And then they find the Doctor, Sara and Steven and tell them they're surrounded. The Doctor, putting on a brave face for his worried companions, immediately tells them that the Daleks have won. Thanks, Doc, it's a real comfort to have you around.

Probably gonna be a bit of a gap between this post and the next one because I don't have internet right now (nobody noticed I skipped a post this week, right?) but I promise that I will not forget you, Classic Doctor Who. You're actually a lot better than the most recent series has been, so I remain loyal to you.

Fuck Reboot Who season 7, though, am I right?

Moosh

The Daleks' Master Plan Part 4/12: The Traitors

So the Doctor, Steven, Katarina and Bret are in the stolen spaceship on the prison planet Desperus, the Dalek spaceship is just about to land right next to them, and Blond Beard (real name: Kirksen), a crazy inmate of the prison, has just burst into their ship brandishing a knife.

Blond Beard demands to know who's in charge of the ship; Bret says that he is, so Blond Beard threatens to stab everything unless Bret takes them to the planet Kembel (Dalek HQ), because if they go to Earth, Blond Beard will just get sent straight back to Desperus and those Daleks sound like decent chaps, they'll probably help him.

So, because Bret and Steven are sneaky bastards, they both start pretending to switch all the controls around on the console. They tell Blond Beard that it's all done, they're on their way to Kembel now - he is understandably suspicious, because it doesn't feel like they've changed direction at all. Bret, brilliantly, points to the view screen and says that if Blond Beard looks that way he'll see, and then when Blond Beard does, Steven rushes at him to try and tackle him.

Most unfortunately, though, Blond Beard has crazy-man reflexes and he dodges Steven and grabs Katarina, but he falls back into the airlock. Steven hits the button that traps them both inside. I don't know what shit they're trying to pull, I LIKE Katarina. STOP TRYING TO GET RID OF MY FAVOURITE CHARACTERS.

The Doctor tries negotiating with Blond Beard over the intercom:

DOCTOR: Now, then! Listen to me, whoever you are. Bring that girl in here, or we will press a button and you will go outside the door - into space.
BLOND BEARD: Then the girl dies too! If you open the outside door, I'll press the inner release and then we'll all be dead!
DOCTOR: ... good point, well made.

So they change course, because they don't want anything to happen to Katarina. But then Katarina breaks free of Blond Beard's grip! And reaches for the switch to open the airlock door! But she hits the one that opens the door to the DARK VACUUM OF SPACE BABY NO I WAS JOKING ABOUT THEM GETTING RID OF YOU JEEZ WHAT IS WITH THIS SHOW.

STEVEN: She... she pressed the wrong button, Doctor.
DOCTOR: She may have wanted to, dear boy. She wanted to save our lives.
BRET: It must have been... quick.
DOCTOR: I hope she's reached her Place of Perfection.
VIEWER: SHUT UP, DOCTOR, YOU INSENSITIVE PRICK.

In places NOT torn to shreds with sadness and heartbreak, Mavic Chen is hanging out in his office with his security chief, known as Karlton, and Lizan, who is... a person. I don't know who she is, exactly, but she's doing technical stuff to show Mavic a hologram of Bret and sending it out to all the Space Security agents. She leaves pretty quickly, at which point Mavic and Karlton basically just rub their hands together and talk about how awesome it'll be when they rule the universe. But their celebratory wankfest is interrupted by a phone call saying that the traitors have landed close by, so that's exciting.

The traitors themselves (and by traitors I mean the Doctor, Bret, and Steven, hope you got that) have actually landed inside this experimental science station? Bret says they should wait there for a while because he has a friend who works there and he'll be able to help them out. Unfortunately, Sara Kingdom, the chick in command of the hunt for Bret, sees them arrive and reports back to Mavic Chen post haste, telling him that she has trapped them inside and she'll kill them herself!

Sara's pretty badass (and another woman in a cool position of power! 1965 did GOOD), but she looks too much like Vicki for me to be entirely happy with her being there. That wound is still fresh.

Bret's friend Daxtar arrives and everyone fills him in on Mavic Chen's association with the Daleks. Daxtar is all, 'Well, shit! At least you guys have the Taranium, right?' at which point the Doctor is all, 'OH NAH MATE nobody mentioned anything about Taranium I guess you must be in league with Mavic Chen!' Daxtar swears blind that the Doctor mentioned it (which is actually plausible, the conversation wasn't aired and they definitely told him about the Time Destructor), and appeals to Steven and Bret to help him out, but Bret... shoots him in the face. Okay cool.

Bret takes charge and decides that he's going to head to the security building himself and send out alerts to some people in charge, and the other two agree, then BAM, Sara Kingdom bursts in and points a gun at them. Bret is pretty gutted, as that's another one of his friends that Mavic Chen has turned against him, but he's man enough to distract Sara while Steven and the Doctor escape. Nice one, Bret.

But then Sara SHOOTS HIM and radios some guy to look out for the other two and SHOOT THEM when he sees them and THE EPISODE ENDS.

Man, I hope Bret's not really dead. The last few episodes have been a bloodbath as it is. It's mental.

Moosh

The Daleks' Master Plan Part 3/12: Devil's Planet

Katarina, Steven and Bret are trying to steal the GUARDIAN OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM's spaceship so they can fly to Earth and warn everyone about the shit the Daleks are trying to pull. The Doctor disguised himself as a Dementor scarecrow to sneak into the Dalek meeting (look, I didn't write it, that's just what HAPPENED) but someone set off the intruder alarm. Bret heard it and he's taking off without the Doctor on board.

Luckily, the Doctor makes it out of Dalek HQ and sort of waddle-runs (he's still wearing the Dementor cloak) to the spaceship and makes it inside just as the doors are closing. CLOSE CALL, RIGHT. Bret manages to take off and they leave the planet of Kembel far behind!

The crew settle in for the journey and have a light, casual conversation about the Daleks' plan to take over the Universe. Steven, attracted to shiny things, goes to open the box that the Taranium is hidden inside, but the Doctor stops him. Here is some actual show dialogue:

DOCTOR: It'll burn your eyes - you'll go totally blind! That is a full emm of Taranium!
BRET: What?! That can only be found on the planet Uranus. A full measure would take years to mine!
DOCTOR: Fifty years, to be surprise - to be precise.

Awwww he said 'surprise'! Even though he meant precise! William Hartnell you are a bit shit at this job, aren't you, babe?

Back in Dalekland, Mavic Chen, representative of the Solar System; Zephon, representative of the Fifth Galaxy; and the Daleks, mediocre pepperpot masterminds, are all fighting over whose fault it is that the Doctor and his band of merry travellers have stolen the Taranium and flown away. Eventually they decide that ZEPHON is to blame because he allowed himself to be kidnapped, knocked out, and stripped of his clothing. God, Zephon, how could you be so stupid.

After arguing a bit more, eventually Zephon is like, "Right, fine, I'll leave. But if I go I'm taking some of the other galaxy representatives with me cos they're my HOMIES." The Daleks aren't a huge fan of that idea.

(That's what an old-school Dalek extermination looks like. Whatever, man, Zephon brought it on himself.)

Pretty pleased with their achievement, the Daleks continue to wallow in their badassery by sending up a bunch of speedy spaceships to follow the TARDIS crew (seriously, is nobody going to worry about the TARDIS?). The speedyships send out a RANDOMISER BEAM which makes Mavic Chen's ship veer off into the gravitational pull of the planet Desperus, which turns out to be the Solar System's prison planet; if they crash on it and break their ship, they'll never be able to leave. Luckily, though, the Daleks take control of their ship and slow their descent right down so they can land with everything remaining intact. Those helpful little death machines of hate. ♥

Inside a cave on Desperus, three beardy men are fighting over a knife. They have names, but they're dumb future names (Kirkson, Garge, and Bors) that are difficult to remember, so I'm going to hope that they're not recurring characters and call them Blond Beard, Burly Beard and Brown Beard. I think they're all slightly deranged; they care a LOT about this knife. They see Mavic's ship crash on the planet and figure, hey, they could steal it and use it to escape! (Blond Beard: "We can kill the crew with the knife!")

The spaceship, though, is surrounded by boggy marshland which is inhabited by Screamers (from what I understand, sort of vicious bat things?). The light from the Beards' torches keeps them away, but they have to throw away their torches so (a) other inmates of Desperus won't see them and get the same idea of stealing the ship and also (b) the swamp is pretty tricky to navigate with... one hand? Idk, I'm just going with what the show tells me.

I mean, as soon as the torches go out, the Screamers attack, so. Blond Beard runs away but the other two PERSEVERE for GREAT JUSTICE.

Katarina, who is standing by the door gazing out at the shiny new planet that's apparently the next step on the way to the afterlife, sees some movement outside the ship! She calls the Doctor over and he hmms a little bit, as is his wont, and then hands Katarina a cable and tells her to flick the switch when he tells her to. She does so and, oh dear, it electrifies the swampy ground so the two Beards get electrocuted!

Bret and Steven look up from where they're trying to regain control of the spaceship to ask what the hell the Doctor thinks he's doing, but the Doctor tells them to go back to work, somehow managing to be smug even in this one little exchange.

BRET: What do you think you're playing at?
DOCTOR: Oh, you two go back in there and get on with your repairs. Katarina and I are trying to repel any type of boarders.
BRET: But catic power isn't strong enough to kill anyone.
DOCTOR: Of course not, but it will knock them unconscious. Now, just you remember, young man, I have no desire to kill anyone! Now go in there and get on with those repairs. I want to leave this place quickly. Hurry up, please! Hmm! Wasting my time!
BRET: ... that's really astonishing, how you manage to act so superior even though you're quite clearly the worst character in the show. How do you even do it. How.

They all go back to whatever they were doing before the Doctor indulged in a bit of light electricity play, and everything is cool until WHOOPS, the Daleks have caught up with them and are about to land on the planet! Shiiiit. Bret shoves the broken bit of engine back together with duct tape and BOOM, they're ready to go.

The Doctor sends Katarina to the doors to check that they're secure before they take off - turns out? Lol nope! Blond Beard crashes into the ship, carrying - and I will admit I laughed aloud here - the KNIFE!

Ah man, some crazy shit is going down here. I WONDER WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT. Whatever it is, I hope the Doctor arranges therapy for Katarina. Poor girl is going to need it.

Moosh

The Daleks' Master Plan Part 2/12: Day of Armageddon

So we left the action with the GUARDIAN OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM in league with the Daleks, which is a bit not good. Inside the TARDIS there's a dude restrained via magnetic chair, an unconscious Steven and a lady from ancient Troy, and outside the TARDIS there's a shitload of Daleks and the Doctor hiding behind a tree. Let's do this.

Oh my god, you guys, there is footage in this episode! I'd forgotten that the characters in this show could actually move! Shit, I barely even know what to do with myself now. There's going to be facial expressions and visual cues and holy shit y'all. Hoe lee shit.

So Mavic Chen, the GUARDIAN OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM, is hanging out in Dalek HQ and this guy dressed as, like, a Dementor scarecrow shows up.

He is Zephon, Master of the Fifth Galaxy, and he basically just wants to know what Mavic Chen's deal is.

ZEPHON: One thing surprises me: that you, Guardian of the Solar System, have agreed to become one of us.
MAVIC CHEN: Why the surprise? As you say, I am Guardian of the Solar System. But that is nothing more than a part, however influential, of one galaxy. Would you be satisfied with just a part of a galaxy?
ZEPHON: The solar system is exceptional. In its power lies influences far outside its own sphere. Surely by joining with the forces determined to destroy that power, you mark yourself out as a supreme traitor?
MAVIC CHEN: A traitor with loads of bitches fulfillin' all my needs, homedawg.
ZEPHON: I'd thank you to not objectify women in such a way.

The Daleks overhear Mavic Chen and mark him down as a megalomaniac creep to dispose of ASAP, so I guess they're not all bad.

Back in the TARDIS,, it turns out that Karatina had dragged Steven out of the ship somewhere because the Daleks were coming. Also, she freed Bret. I mean, it's understandable because she doesn't understand all this space shit, and also she thinks she's on a journey to the afterlife, so she's probably not thinking these things through logically. But basically the upshot of this is that the Daleks have the TARDIS now, lol, and they plan to blow it up with FLAMES from their PLUNGERS. Seriously.

The Doctor (who has appeared out of the undergrowth) wants to rush back to liberate the TARDIS from its firey doom, but Steven argues with him and tells him that he is being dumb (which he is). The Doctor is all, 'Shut up, man, I know the Daleks!', to which Steven responds, 'No YOU shut up I know them too, dickwad,' because Steven was fighting the Daleks when he first met the Doctor and that is a cool thing. I love it when companions outsmart the Doctor. (Not in a shit River Song type of way. Just in a cool 'every now and then the Doctor doesn't know everything' type of way. But I digress.)

Jeez, then Bret comes along and tells them BOTH to shut up. I am feeling the testosterone pumping in this episode, damn. Steven can definitely feel it too.

Aaaand the Doctor comes up with the plan of going right into the Dalek city because that's the last place the Daleks will expect them!!!!1!! He is such an idiot, god. So they go there and, gasp, they see the spaceship of the GUARDIAN OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM, Mavic Chen!

BRET: That one in the middle, that's from Earth. That's Mavic Chen's!
DOCTOR: You know that spaceship?
BRET: Yes, I do. It belongs to the Guardian of the Solar System!
DOCTOR: Oh, then you'll know how to fly it, hmm?
BRET: Yes, of course I do, but--
DOCTOR: Cool! Then we'll steal THAT ONE!

But then they see Zephon, the guy who is the Master of the Fifth Galaxy, and decide another cool idea would be to knock him out then take off his clothes then WEAR his clothes and then go to the super-secret Dalek conference so they can hear the Daleks' plans in greater detail.

So the Doctor does that and is terrible at being inconspicuous but nobody really notices because they all have pretty rudimentary prosthetics over their eyes for their alien costumes and he makes it into the meeting without incident. The Daleks reveal that they've created this thing called the Time Destructor and Mavic Chen has provided them with a core made of the rarest element in the universe, Taranium.

While Mavic is showing off, the real Zephon (who is still wearing a cloak thing, so I guess he layered up that morning) has regained consciousness and sets off an intruder alarm just as Bret, Steven and Katarina make it inside Mavic's spaceship. Everyone at the conference goes mental and runs out of the room; the Doctor, demonstrating a rare bit of ingenuity, grabs the core of Taranium and slips it under his Dementor cloak. But then Zephon, with his arms still tied up, runs into the room and chases the Doctor out of it and I probably shouldn't be as laughing as hard as I am but just the way they're both WADDLING in their little cloaks omg.

Unfortunately they can hear the intruder alarm in Mavic's spaceship, too, and as Bret is in charge and is determined to prove his manliness, he decides that he who falls behind is left behind, and gets ready to fire up the ship. Katarina implores him to stop right now, thank you very much, because they won't be able to get to the place of perfection without the Great One, but Bret ain't taking no shit from nobody, so he ignores her and fires that bad boy up anyway.

How exciting, the Doctor left alone in the middle of Dalek HQ wearing a stupid cloak with a jar of Taranium hidden in his knickers and being chased by an alien scarecrow. I notice everyone has just forgotten about the TARDIS, though, the poor thing. I mean, it's made of WOOD and the Daleks are SETTING FIRE TO THE FOREST, so. Show a little concern, Doctor, your baby is feeling unappreciated.

Moosh

The Daleks' Master Plan Part 1/12: The Nightmare Begins

This episode is going to have to be really fucking good to make up for the fact that Vicki is no longer here. And it is a DALEK EPISODE. So. I mean, I'm not hopeful. Not even a little bit. But I go in with an open mind! The weird prequel wasn't bad! And, y'know, it's twelve parts, so it sounds... intense. Which... can be good?

Ehhhh.

Soooo Steven is still unconscious, Katarina the Trojan is still on board the TARDIS, and the Doctor is still pretending to Katarina that his time machine is actually a journey to eternal peace.

KATARINA: What is that?
DOCTOR: Oh, we're slowing down, my dear. We're going to land in a moment.
KATARINA: Can we have reached the place of perfection so soon?
DOCTOR: Er, well. I rather doubt it. At least, that is, er, we shall be stopping at a lot of places before that.

So the Doctor lands the TARDIS "somewhere" because he needs a "special drug" to stop Steven from dying. This is not convincing me of his status as a medical professional. His name is such bullshit, man. I hope one day I get to see the story of how Time Lords get their name, and I hope the Doctor admits he picked his out of a hat.

On the planet the TARDIS just landed on, two dudes appear to have crashed their spaceship, because apparently literally nobody can fly one of those things. They try to get in touch with people over the radio, but that doesn't work, and they argue a little bit, and then BOOM, the scene cuts to Earth (Earth! I missed you!) to some sciencey people fighting over which TV channel to watch. They decide on channel 403, which I imagine in 1965 seemed hilarious and futuristic. Four hundred and three whole TV channels! Mental.

They talk about a routine call to five-zero-alpha, which I'm pretty sure is the code the two dudes from the broken radio used, and oh! The two dudes are out looking for Badass Marc, the guy the Daleks exterminated in the weird prequel! Cool!

Back to the exciting TV channel subplot, a guy called Mavic Chen, the GUARDIAN OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM, is... going on holiday? He's giving a speech about peace between the galaxies, or something, and doesn't really say much interesting other than it's the year 4000. A light indicating that the two dudes (they're called Kert and Bret, I'm going to use their names instead of calling them 'the two dudes') are trying to call keeps flashing, but the science people are too engrossed in the riveting broadcast to notice. Top notch sciencing, there, guys. Keep it up.


Back on the planet, Kert and Bret are arguing again; Kert's leg is in a splint, and he wants Bret to go ahead without him, because Kert'll slow him down and there are Varga plants everywhere and you know what happens when those bastards are hanging around. So Bret clears off and Kert is all, 'Yoooo, I know you're out there!' and some Daleks come and kill him, so that happened.

Elsewhere in the forest, Bret is all, 'What is that mysterious vworping noise?' and a wild TARDIS appears! Bret hides behind the bushes while the Doctor emerges, and then follows the Doctor to the edge of a nearby village and holds a gun to his head until the Doctor gives Bret the TARDIS key. So then Bret strolls right into the TARDIS and makes small talk with the Trojan lady and the semi-conscious Earth dude and it's pretty chill. But the Doctor follows him right back and it turns out that ol' Bret left the key in the door, so that was dumb. The Doctor just goes right on in and Steven knocks Bret out with a spanner and that plan of his really didn't turn out to be all that effective after all, did it. Poor Bret.


When Bret comes round again, the Doctor acts smug as hell even though he didn't really have much to do with the capture at all, which sums One up pretty well, actually. Although apparently the thing that is keeping Bret restrained is a MAGNETIC CHAIR that can restrain a HERD OF ELEPHANTS that the Doctor invented, so there best be a good reason why I haven't seen this bad boy in the series reboot.

The Doctor is smug a little more and then leaves a restrained Bret alone with Katarina (Steven passed out again) and heads back to the village for the 'special drugs' to dose Steven with. On the way he sees what I presume is the rotten corpse of Badass Marc (his communication/transmitter thing is by the body). The Doctor, reliably incompetent, remarks on how so very strange it is to see an abandoned recording device lying on the forest floor and then walks riiiiight on past it. Sigh. But then he makes it into the village and sees some Daleks and has the usual OH NO I'M SO SCARED OF DALEKS exclamation, even though they are, like... not any more threatening than any other monster that he has to face. Like, am I the only person who thinks this? I've never understood the hype behind the Daleks. They're just. Average.

And then: a plot twist! Mavic Chen, the guy who was going on holiday at the start of the episode and also the SUPREME RULER OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM or something, he's in league with the Daleks! The Doctor rushes back to the TARDIS and finds that surrounded by Daleks too! Daleks everywhere! Shit! (But only regular levels of shit because the Daleks aren't exceptionally terrifying!)


This episode was... fine. I admit that I'm writing this at late o'clock and also I am in Paris, so I might not be as invested in the episode as I could be, but also. Daleks. No Vicki. Incompetent Gallifreyan. You know how it is.

MORE SOON.

Moosh