The Gunfighters Part 3/4: Johnny Ringo

Hello hello! We rejoin the gang in the 19th century Wild West. To recap: the Doctor is in jail, because some cowboys thought he was a guy who shot their brother; Dodo is kind of half-kidnapped, half-adopted by the guy who actually shot the cowboys' brother (and also his morally ambiguous singer girlfriend), and Steven has been accosted by the cowboy brothers and is being used as bait to lure the Doctor out of prison.

The bad-guy cowboys, the Clanton brothers, have gathered up an angry mob who all really dislike Doc Holliday, the guy who they think the Doctor is. They're all milling around outside the jailhouse, and they shout in to the Doctor, the Sheriff and Wyatt Earp (the Marshall/generic good guy) that if they don't send the Doctor out in two minutes, they're going to kill Steven instead. The Doctor, to his credit, is doing his best to try and get out there and talk to the angry mob, but the good-guy cowboys tell him that's a terrible idea. The Doctor calls them 'insufferable' and stands in the corner in a huff.

So Wyatt Earp sneaks outside and creeps up behind one of the Clanton brothers and knocks him out with a terribly anti-climactic light tap on the head. Once the brother (who I think was Phineas but also I'm pretty sure they're just interchangeable) has fallen dramatically forwards into the crowd, Wyatt Earp says something vaguely heroic and frees Steven from the noose that the mob had put around his neck. The other brothers retaliate with some angry things, but they're interrupted by the little timid barman, Charlie, running up to them. He tells them all that the Doctor, who is still huffing away in his corner in the jailhouse, isn't the real Doc Holliday, because the real Doc Holliday just shot their mate Seth in Charlie's bar. The Clanton brothers are suspicious at first, but Charlie wins them over with a stunning display of logic.

IKE CLANTON: What makes you think it ain't him?
CHARLIE: Well on account of Doc Holliday just bein' in the bar!
BILLY CLANTON: You're drunk!
CHARLIE: If I'm drunk, your friend Seth Harper's still alive... which he ain't.

Amazing.

So the Clanton cowboys head back to the bar (after a little more squaring up to Wyatt Earp) and the good guy cowboys (and Steven) pick up an unconscious Phineas Clanton and lock him in a jail cell. The Doctor, as always, acts like the whole thing was his plan and the others just carried it out wrong. He acts very dismissive of the whole thing and haughtily tells Wyatt Earp that they'll be leaving tomorrow. (Why not right then?? Also can these two grown men please wonder where 16-year-old Dodo is?)

Ah, never mind: Steven and the Doctor head back to the bar and talk about how Dodo probably spent the evening in her room (probably doing her hair or something, eh lads?), but Charlie the barman, ever-present, overhears and tells them that, unfortunately, Dodo is now best mates with Doc Holliday and Kate, and left with them when Doc Holliday shot Seth. Steven flounders a little, and says that surely Dodo left a message or something. Charlie gently reminds him that if you're involved in murder, you don't tend to linger.

The Doctor, hilariously, doesn't see a problem with this. The actual line he says:

DOCTOR: Now don't be ridiculous; Doc Holliday's a great friend of mine. He gave me a gun, he extracted my tooth, good gracious me, what more do you want?!

Meanwhile, Doc Holliday, Kate and Dodo have ridden to one town over, a place called Richmond, and I... kind of just want Dodo to run away with them and to become a fierce cowboy lady because that would be super cool. Imagine it! She softens Kate's heart and they have a rockin' mother/daughter-but-best-friend kind of relationship, and Doc Holliday teaches her how to shoot and ride a horse and be badass, and they're like a little family of vicious killer outlaws! THAT WOULD BE SO GOOD. But I digress.

The three of them go into a hotel in Richmond, one town over from Tombstone (where all the rest of the action was happening). Kate is ripping into Doc Holliday a little because she thinks they're not far enough away, but Doc Holliday brushes it off, and tells her that they'll have to go back soon enough. Dodo chimes in and is all, "And I have to go back to my friends!" You're wrong, Dodo, but I appreciate that you're trying.

The brothers Clanton (the two that aren't in prison, anyway) also meet up with Daddy Clanton back in the saloon and tell him what's going on. Clanton Senior is displeased with his wussy sons, and ominously tells them that he's going to have to hire Johnny Ringo, who I'm sure is a real-life infamous cowboy that I've never heard of, but I don't have the internet connection to look that up right now (later edit: yep). After downing like three shots each, the three of them leave. They probably spent less than a minute in the bar. Cowboys are weird.

Later that evening (I assume), who should happen to stop by the bar than Johnny Ringo himself! What a coincidence. Charlie the barman kind of fanboys him a little bit and tells him that the Clanton brothers were here looking for him earlier! Johnny Ringo says that he doesn't really care, he's got stuff to do. Charlie ignores the fact that Ringo definitely doesn't want to talk, and tells him that the Clanton brothers are after Doc Holliday, and Johnny Ringo goes all menacing and says that Doc Holliday is his and the Clanton brothers have to STAY AWAY. Charlie pours a drink all over himself from nerves, and stutters about how he can't wait to see Wyatt Earp's face when he hears Johnny Ringo is going after Doc Holliday too. Johnny Ringo apparently feels like Charlie talks too much, because he jokes with him a little, walks away to go upstairs, and then shoots Charlie dead. Oh, Charlie!

The morning after, the Doctor and Steven come downstairs for breakfast (I still don't understand why they didn't just sleep in the TARDIS but whatever) and are shocked and distressed when they see Charlie still slumped over the bar. Johnny Ringo, who had been lurking ominously in the shadows, springs up and tells them that the only person who would shoot an unarmed barman is definitely Doc Holliday. Steven is all, 'Hey, cool, you know Doc Holliday? Us too!' and Johnny Ringo gets all possessive of Doc Holliday again. The Doctor, for once, seems to actually know what's going on and tries to calm the situation by telling Ringo that they just want their friend back and they're not planning on harming Doc Holliday at all, they just want to reason with him. Johnny Ringo thinks this is pretty funny, and offers to let Steven ride with him.

JOHNNY RINGO: There's just one thing: if you get between me and him, boy, don't go looking for me to hold my fire. I'd blast you down as soon as spit at you.
STEVEN: ... Thanks.
DOCTOR: Disgusting habit.

While Steven and the most feared cowboy in all the land (probably) head off to Richmond, the Doctor goes back to the jailhouse to tell Sheriff Masterson and Wyatt Earp what's going down. They sigh wearily a lot, but nonetheless go to try and stop everyone from killing each other in Richmond, leaving Wyatt Earp's little brother in charge.

Back with the only interesting characters in this thing, Dodo storms into Doc Holliday's hotel room with a cheerful 'Morning! Take me back to my friends today now please." Doc Holliday tells her that he does intend to take her back, but he'll do it on his own time. And then she pulls a gun on him! My dreams of them becoming a cute family of outlaws are becoming a reality! Doc Holliday earns himself a place in my heart by humouring her and agreeing to take her back right away (he later reveals he had a gun himself the whole time), while Kate stays in Richmond.

After what I can only imagine to be a very quiet and awkward ride, Johnny Ringo and Steven arrive in Richmond too. They decide to split up; Steven heads off and Johnny Ringo goes to explore a saloon but before he can, he catches sight of Kate! And it turns out the two of them used to be a thing! (We know this because there's an annoying song that runs through the entire serial that I don't think I've mentioned. It's the same four lines of music and they just put plot-relevant lyrics to it. Three episodes in and it's getting reeeeally old.)

So Johnny Ringo catches Kate's arm and makes some vaguely threatening remarks concerning Doc Holliday. Kate tells him that Doc Holliday left her for Dodo as soon as they left Tombstone, and they're both headed to New Mexico. Johnny Ringo frowns and says that in that case, the new plan is the three of them head back to Tombstone. Kate (who I really like, she gets stuff done) demands to know what any of this has to do with her, and Johnny Ringo basically says that if she doesn't get back with him then he's going to kill her. So he's definitely not as good as the other murderous cowboy that Kate hangs out with - at least Doc Holliday RESPECTS HER AUTONOMY.

Back at the jailhouse where Wyatt Earp's little brother was left in charge, Clanton Brother II (I've given up on names) is still locked up. He's trying to bait Baby Earp, telling him that Wyatt Earp is a bad brother for leaving him behind on his own. Baby Earp says that that's exactly what the other Clantons have done to Clanton II - but then the other Clantons bang through the door! Clanton II smiles smugly.

The other Clantons demand to know where the keys are. Baby Earp hesitantly tells them that they're on the table. They make him pick the keys up, and Baby Earp tries to go for his gun, but one of the other Clantons shoots him dead before he gets chance! Ahh unlucky, he barely had five minutes of screen time. So they free Clanton II from the jail cell and the annoying song comes in to sing the episode closed!

One episode left! I'm still holding out for a Doc Holliday/Kate/Dodo kickass outlaw family. It could happen. You don't know.

Moosh

The Gunfighters Part 2/4: Don't Shoot the Pianist

So! Steven and Dodo have been forced at gunpoint into their new professions of singer and pianist respectively, and three homicidal brothers and their similarly-homicidal mate are waiting to kill the Doctor, who they think is another guy whose name is Doc Holliday. The Doctor, who just had a tooth forcibly pulled out of his head because he bit into a toffee in slightly the wrong way, is on the way to the saloon where the homicidal cowboys and his musical companions are.

Also on the way to the saloon, though, is Kate, the singer in the bar and Doc Holiday's girlfriend. She rocks up into the club like something from a Ke$ha song, waves at the Clanton brothers to put their guns away, and demands to know why Steven is singing when that's her job. The barman, Charlie, nervously tells her that the Clanton brothers were just doing a thing, but she dismisses that as foolishness and tells Steven and Dodo to get away from the piano.

The Wild West seems to have made Dodo stupid, because she protests that she was having fun and doesn't want to stop? Okay never mind about all the guns pointed at you, Dodo. She gives in when Steven tells her to go upstairs, but then when Steven goes to follow her, Kate stops him and tells him (while holding a gun to his stomach) that he'll be playing the piano while she sings. Dodo, determined to be a big idiot this episode, goes off in a huff.

DODO: Well thank you and goodnight!
STEVEN: Dodo!
DODO: Well it's quite alright Steven, don't mind me! Just have a good time with your new friends!

So Dodo storms upstairs and Steven rocks it on the keys while Kate dances on the bar. I don't think she has any motive other than getting her groove on, because when the song has finished, the Doctor walks in, applauding, and tells Steven and Kate what a great little duo they make.

Seth Harper goes up to him and makes vaguely threatening remarks without straight up saying 'Yo we're going to shoot you dead, Doc Holliday,' and the Doctor seems to think that this is just how humans are pleasant to one another and happily asks Seth to get him a glass of milk, and also if he'd introduce the Doctor to the three cowboy dudes looming around him. Seth tells the Doctor that the cowboy dudes are actually the Clanton brothers, and the Doctor finally seems to realise that maybe he fucked up a little.

He still doesn't figure out the silly Doctor/Doc Holliday thing for another few minutes, and when he finally gets it and tells the Clanton brothers (and Seth) that they have the wrong Doctor, none of them believe him. Kate, weirdly, simultaneously tells the Clanton brothers that the Doctor IS Doc Holliday, and also helps the Doctor by lining all the Clantons (and Seth) up against the piano and taking their guns. Still not sure whose side she's on. Also, during this kerfuffle, Dodo comes out of her room to see what all the noise is, and the real Doc Holliday sneaks up the stairs, points a gun at her, and takes her back into her room. I'm displeased with where this could go.

Back downstairs, Sheriff Masterson and Good Guy Wyatt Earp have walked in. The Sheriff doesn't have a clue what's happening so just confiscates everyone's guns to make himself feel better - Wyatt Earp seems to be the only one who understands the situation (I think?) and tells the Doctor he's going to have to arrest him, and they leave the saloon.

When they reach the jail, they put the Doctor in the cell and Wyatt Earp fills the Sheriff in on everything. They both seem to think the Doctor is a good guy, but refuse to let him out of the cell for his own safety because most of the town thinks he's some crazy killer cowboy dude.

Back upstairs at the Last Chance Saloon, Doc Holliday has locked himself in a room with Dodo, but thankfully doesn't seem to have any sinister motives towards her because he's just ignoring her, occasionally telling her to chill out when she asks what the deal is. Kate of the Ambiguous Morals joins them and is similarly dismissive when Dodo tries to find out what's going on. Doc Holliday's solution is to... play cards with them? And then he really, really wants a drink so he sneaks past the murderous brothers downstairs to go back to his office at the dental surgery to fetch a bottle of whiskey, leaving Dodo with Kate.

Wyatt Earp, still apparently the only character who makes sense, is waiting for him there. They have a big old chat, and Wyatt Earp tells him to leave the town Or Else. The conversation lasts about three minutes, but that's the gist of it. Meanwhile, Steven has been left at the bar with the Clantons, and somehow they're convincing him to break into the jail where the Doctor is being kept? And Steven is responding in a way that could either be super sarcastic or just pretty thick, so I don't really know whether he's buying it.

IKE: You take this gun up to the Jailhouse and slip it through the cell window to Holliday.
BILLY: And he says, "Open the door or I'll shoot!"
STEVEN: Uh-huh. And where do you guys come in?
IKE: We wait outside the Jailhouse in case anything goes wrong.
PHINEAS: Yeah, so we can prevent a miscarriage of justice!
BILLY: To welcome him back to society.
STEVEN: Oh! Not to gun him down?
IKE: Why would we do a thing like that? You say he ain't Holliday - okay, he's got nothin' to fear! What do ya say?
STEVEN: It sounds like a pretty foolproof idea!

Either way, Steven heads out of the saloon and one of the Clanton brothers (Phineas) follows him.

Back upstairs, and in a stunning nod to the Bechadel test, Dodo is doing Kate's hair and they're talking about boys. Kate is saying how she wants to marry Doc Holliday and she thinks maybe he's going to settle down after his life of crime. Before Dodo can chime in with how cute she thinks cowboys are, Doc Holliday walks in and tells Kate to pack a bag because they're leaving town, as per Wyatt Earp's instructions.

Dodo is all, "Hey yo dudes where do I fit into your plan of running away into the night, being your captive and all?" and before Doc Holliday can give her a good answer, Kate looks out of the window and sees a BLOODTHIRSTY MOB that the Clanton brothers seem to have gathered in the last few minutes, with Steven (who Phineas grabbed and brought back) tied up on a horse as some kind of bait for the Doctor.

DODO: They've got Steven!
DOC HOLLIDAY: They've got my operating chair! Wait here!

So Doc Holliday goes downstairs while Kate shouts after him. Seth Harper is hanging back in the saloon for one last drink before he joins the crazy mob party, and hears Kate call Doc Holliday 'Doc'. He does a double-take, and asks Doc Holliday if he's the real actual Doc Holliday. Doc Holliday says, yup, that's him, and shoots Seth dead. Charlie, the timid barman, is a mess by this point.

Kate and Dodo run downstairs after hearing the shot and Doc Holliday tells Kate to run and saddle up three horses, cos they have to get out of town ASAP and they're taking Dodo with them. For some reason.

The mob finally arrives at the jailhouse where the Doctor is being held. Sheriff Masterson and Wyatt Earp are there, and open the Doctor's cell so he can peer out of the door with them. Ike Clanton shouts in that if they don't send the Doctor out in two minutes, then they're going to kill Steven. What a gosh-darned tricky situation.

This episode was a tough one to get through, which is why it's taken so long to get this post up. This serial is rocking a 5/10 at the moment, but we'll see how it goes. Two more episodes left! Catch ya later, partners.

Moosh

The Gunfighters Part 1/4: A Holiday For The Doctor

A new serial! Can you imagine! By the title this seems like it's going to be another one of those episodes where the Doctor just wanders off on his own and we don't see him for a few episodes. No wonder the show is called Doctor Who - I can barely remember who he is. Haha no but seriously jokes on Doctor Who where the punchline is 'Doctor Who?' are the worst thing in the world and they make me want to vomit up everything I've ever eaten in my whole life. Let's move on.

The episode begins with a shot from under a wagon of a traditional western set-up: dusty road, saloon entrance, rocks. And there are horses! Actual real-life horses being ridden by three dudes, one of whom shoots a sign with his real-life cowboy gun. One of the other dudes tells him off, saying he should 'save his bullets for Holliday,' so maybe the title is a clever wordplay! That'd be nice.

The three of them are speaking in absolutely atrocious southern American accents, and I think they're brothers. The youngest (who shot the sign) is Billy, the middle one is Phineas and the oldest one (who told Billy off) is Ike. They used to have another brother called Reuben, but this Holliday guy shot him? I think. They're all on their way to meet a guy called Seth.

PHINEAS: Where do we all meet up with Seth?
IKE: The Last Chance Saloon.
BILLY: Why do we need Seth Harper?
PHINEAS: Oh, Pa’s paying him, and Pa wants us to work along with him.
BILLY: Mate you're quite obviously a middle-class English dude, I don't know who you're even trying to fool.

The three of them go inside the saloon, and the TARDIS appears inside a barn on the other side of the square. Remember how at the end of last episode, the Doctor ate a toffee that Dodo got from one of the baddies of the episode, and then he doubled over in pain and it was all very dramatic? Yeah, basically all that happened is he got a toothache, and they don't have any painkillers. They landed because the Doctor says they need to find a dentist because he'll definitely have to have the tooth extracted! What a drama queen, jeez.

While the Doctor is sitting on a nearby barrel whinging about how much pain he's in, Steven and Dodo realise that they're in the good ol' Wild West and get, like, weirdly excited about it. They both ignore the Doctor entirely and run back into the TARDIS so they can find clothes that'll help them blend in cos they want to EXPLORE. They come back out again, really pleased with themselves (Dodo puts a cowboy hat on the Doctor's head), looking like a pantomime version of Woody and Jessie from Toy Story.

While Steven and Dodo are dicking about with cowboy stuff, another terribly-accented local appears! He seems fairly displeased that these English weirdos are hanging out in his barn, and brandishes his big old cowboy gun at them. His name is Wyatt Earp and Dodo is really pleased to meet him - I just Googled his name and he's a real person that really existed, so that's why she was so happy. I swear, I haven't known about most of these big historical figures/events in Old Who so far. I feel like an uneducated loser but at least I'm learning, right?

Back in the saloon, Billy, Ike and Phineas meet up with Seth, who is another cowboy, but seems friendlier than the three brothers. The four of them are planning to kill this Holliday dude, and also getting steadily more drunk. The bar's singer, Kate, overhears their conversation and sidles out the door to find Doc Holiday, who has set up a dentistal surgery nearby? She tells him that there are four dudes in the saloon who are planning to kill him. He is displeased.

DOC HOLLIDAY: Who are these men anyway?
KATE: Well there's a guy called Seth Harper, then there's three brothers by the name of Clanton.
DOC HOLLIDAY: Clanton?! You kill a guy out of sheer professional ethics, and then you've got three of his brothers chasin' after you. That makes me real angry!

'Professional ethics'? I don't know about you, but my psycho bells are ringing here. While Kate and Doc Holliday are arguing, ANOTHER cowboy, whose name is Masterson, walks up to them. Oh, and he's the Sheriff! He's basically there to warn Doc Holliday off from shooting people. Holliday promises to be good and walks away holding hands with Kate.

Man, all these characters are getting confusing so here's a cowboy round-up so far:

• Doc Holliday - ex-shooty cowboy. Killed a guy called Reuben and is now into dentistry
• Masterson - Sheriff
• Ike, Phineas and Billy Clanton - shooty cowboys and brothers of Reuben, want to kill  Doc Holliday
• Seth Harper - plotting to kill Doc Holliday with the Clantons
• Wyatt Earp - taking the Doctor, Steven and Dodo to the Sheriff's office, object of Dodo's fangirl affections
• Kate - bar singer and girlfriend of Doc Holliday
• Steven, Dodo and the Doctor - definitely not cowboys

Speaking of Steven, Dodo and the Doctor, they enter stage right and the Doctor happily introduces them as a band of travelling musicians (there's a point where he says '... and I'm the Doctor,' and Masterson says 'Doctor Who?' like urgh what did I JUST SAY IN THE INTRO TO THIS VERY POST). The Sheriff then essentially tells them to piss right off because there's no room for happiness and music in Tombstone, Arizona, and the Doctor tells him that it's all cool! They're not actually here to perform, he's just here for - gasp! - a dentist!

So, in a wonderfully-executed turn of events, Steven and Dodo go to find a hotel and the Doctor heads towards the surgery of the dude who is a target for a big old cowboy assassination. The logic of going to a dentist in 1881 rather than getting back in the TARDIS until they landed in a place with more advanced medical technology is a little lost on me, but there it is.

So the Doctor rocks into the dentist's and walks in on Doc Holliday and Kate doing some pretty serious kissing. Doc Holliday jumps up, threatens the Doctor with a gun and demands to know what he wants; the Doctor timidly says that he has a toothache, but he should probably leave, actually. BUT NO Doc Holliday and Kate happily usher him into the dental chair and tell him that (a) he's their first ever customer, (b) that Kate can't stay and watch because she faints at the sight of blood, (c) they have no idea what anaesthetic is but Doc Holliday will hit the Doctor over the head with his gun if it'll help ease the pain and also (d) Doc Holliday takes a big old swig of booze before he operates. And the Doctor still just sits there and opens his mouth. Wow. Although to be fair he doesn't seem overly pleased about it.

Back in the Last Chance Saloon, the three brothers are getting a bit stir-crazy. Billy (little brother) shoots a bottle behind the bar, possibly because Billy is a bit of a knob. Right after that, Steven and Dodo walk in, continuing the theme of the TARDIS gang being really dumb about putting themselves in dangerous situations because they would have definitely heard that gunshot. They book the rooms they want for the night (even though the TARDIS is literally round the corner and there are definitely beds?) and in doing so have to sign a register with their names and occupations - when the barman notices that they're apparently musicians, he offers them a job! They turn it down, thankfully, and head off upstairs to their rooms.

Buuuuut the Clanton brothers and their mate Seth overheard the conversation and assume that Steven and Dodo are in league with Doc Holliday - partially because Steven is apparently carrying six guns as part of his cowboy outfit, the massive dork, but also because they mention 'the Doctor' and 2+2=5. So, Phineas goes upstairs to fetch Steven down again, and Seth heads out to bring Doc Holliday to the saloon.

Seth's never actually seen Doc Holliday before, so when he gets to the dental surgery and sees the Doctor in the room alone, post-extraction, he assumes he's found his guy.

SETH: Doc!
DOCTOR: Yes, what? What is it?
SETH: Holliday?
DOCTOR: Holiday? I suppose so. Yes, you could call it that.

Brilliant. Seth casually invites the 'Doc' over to the saloon and then swaggers out again;  the real Doc Holliday, who has been listening, swans back in and encourages the Doctor to head over there right away! First, though, he should take a GUN with him. Just to be safe. Kate straps a gun belt on him and Doc Holliday lends him a gun, absolutely coincidentally with DOC HOLLIDAY engraved on the side. The Doctor, oblivious as always, happily takes it, thanks both of them and heads out the door to go to the saloon. I don't know what he's expecting to happen.

Meanwhile, Steven and Dodo have been brought downstairs again and are being heavily encouraged to sing. And by 'heavily encouraged' I mean, like, threatened with guns. And, to be fair, Dodo sits down and plays the piano like a PRO while Steven sings 'The Ballad of the Last Chance Saloon' - he somehow knows the tune already. The three brothers all sit around them with their guns still pointing at them so they just have to keep going - I'm not entirely sure if they understand that the Doctor is about to walk in and get shot, but even if they did, there isn't that much they can do about it.

And that's the end! I gotta admit - I wasn't expecting to enjoy this one very much, but it's okay so far! I do love a good case of mistaken identity, and it's written quite well here. See you soon for part two!

Moosh

The Celestial Toymaker Part 4/4: The Final Test

HELLO FRIENDS and welcome to the final post in the Celestial Toymaker serial. It's been over a year since we had anything different so kudos for sticking around so long. In previous episodes we saw the Doctor separated from his companions and forced to do a massive version of one of those little puzzles involving moving wooden things from one pole to another. Steven and Dodo have to complete a series of their own puzzles before the Doctor finishes his, otherwise the Toymaker (who is maybe the ruler of the kingdom? with magic powers?) will keep them there forever. Steven and Dodo have just stumbled upon the beginning of their next test, which is something to do with this guy called Cyril and/or Billy who has so far been the Jack of Hearts and a kitchen boy? I have no idea what's happening. The riddle they have to help them through this next puzzle is "Lady Luck will show the way, win the game or here you'll stay."

So! Cyril cheerfully leads Steven and Dodo to their next game: TARDIS HOPSCOTCH.

Not actually as fun as it sounds - basically there are three dice and they each take one and roll it. Then they move forward the number that they rolled and the first to 14 wins. If they step on the floor between the little triangle stepping-stones then they get electrocuted, and if they land on the same stone that another player is on then the first player gets sent back to the beginning. Bit like Frustration. 

Aaaaanyhow they all play for a while - Cyril keeps messing with them, trying to make them fall off and go back to the start for moving from their stones. Steven eventually gets annoyed with this and tries to just walk across the stones to the TARDIS, but the Toymaker appears with his unexplained teleportation powers and is all dumb and mysterious again, and tells them that there's an invisible wall that can only be passed if you're playing the game by the proper rules, so. Steven has to go back to the start again.

The game all culminates with Cyril pretending to be hurt so Dodo will go to help him, then she has to miss a turn cos she moves from her stone. Cyril then rolls the winning number but when he rushes to the end he slips on some trick powder he left on one of the stones and falls off onto the floor and gets all electrocuted and that.

And hey, the Doctor's back being all visible and able to speak and stuff again! He's right back to acting like he planned this whole thing out, the smug bastard. I love him. He gets his puzzle to the penultimate move and then just walks out, all casual. The Toymaker, despite being seemingly all-powerful, doesn't do anything to stop him.

CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Make the last move, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: No! Not yet. I see Steven and Dodo have found the TARDIS. Wonderful trick! And your little trick is broken. I am now visible!
CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: You are, indeed, Doctor. Well done. The three of you have won your little game.
THE DOCTOR: I am glad you take it so calmly. Well, now if you will excuse me, I will go and see if the TARDIS is all right. Peace out motherfucker.

So the Doctor goes and finds Steven and Dodo and the TARDIS (which, conveniently, was actually the real one that time) and the three of them bro-hug it out, but it turns out the Toymaker has done "something" to the TARDIS so it won't go anywhere until the Doctor has finished his last move. But, once the Doctor does win the game, the whole world of the Toymaker will disappear, all of the Doctor's crew with it.

Oh, and here we get some explanation about the Toymaker himself!

STEVEN: Why doesn't he just let us go? He can't want to be destroyed.
THE DOCTOR: Well, he won't be.
DODO: But if everything disappears, why not him?
THE DOCTOR: If the Toymaker loses the game, his world will vanish, but he has the power to build a new one.
DODO: How?
THE DOCTOR: The Toymaker is immortal. He's lasted for thousands of years. Very occasionally, of course, he loses a game, and then he has to pay the price.
STEVEN: And that price is the loss of his world?
THE DOCTOR: Yes, but, ah, he himself is not destroyed. He goes on forever.

Clears up literally nothing.

Oh, but the way they get out of it is good! The Toymaker refuses to allow them to finish the game inside the TARDIS because then they'll be able to dematerialise at the exact moment the Toymaker's world is destroyed so they'll escape (and Steven offers to go out there and sacrifice himself, the adorable munchkin, but the Doctor refuses) - but throughout the serial, the Toymaker has been using voice controls to speed up the Doctor's game. The Doctor just goes to the door of the TARDIS and does an impression of the Toymaker saying, "Go from move 1023!" (the final move) and then flies the TARDIS away as the Toymaker gets blown up! Schweeeeet.

The gang, all safely holed up in the TARDIS, have a celebratory powwow where they talk about all the great things each of them did. Dodo breaks out a bag of Werther's Originals that she got from Cyril - Steven, back on form, says that he thinks they probably shouldn't eat them because Cyril was a minion of the Toymaker, but the Doctor cheerfully eats one and then CRIES OUT IN PAIN WHAAAT.

The next serial is The Gunslingers, wherein all the characters wear cowboy outfits (and yes, the Doctor does wear a Stetson), so I'll meet you back here for that one in a week or so. Hah. Have a good morningafternoonevening!

Moosh

The Celestial Toymaker Part 3/4: The Dancing Floor

Ohhhh boy so I watched An Adventure in Space and Time, the special about Hartnell the BBC did as part of the 50th anniversary celebrations. I think I love Hartnell now. I take back everything bad I ever said about him. I love him a lot and I highly recommend you check out the special if you can. Gosh. Hartnell. Anyway.

The last episode ended with the Toymaker giving Steven and Dodo the following riddle:

"Hunt the key to fit the door 

that leads out on the dancing floor; 

Then escape the rhythmic beat, 

or you'll forever tap your feet."

So I guess this episode is a dance-off? I mean yeah I'm eager to see what this is going to turn out to be so let's get to it.

Steven and Dodo are in the tunnel that was through the door of the fake TARDIS. They eventually come to a big old door that doesn't have a lock or a handle or anything. Steven is, again, surprised that the Toymaker isn't giving them an easy ride. Dodo, again showing that she's a great deal more astute than a fully-grown man, notices that the dolls from the locked cupboard in the last episode are following them, blocking the way out.

Both being a little concerned about this, they attempt to avert the situation. Dodo tries just telling them to go back to their cupboard but that, surprisingly, doesn't work. Steven, like a big old loser, starts squaring up to them, but before he can get into a fight with the reanimated corpses, the door behind them opens. So that's convenient.

Through the door is a kitchen with two people in it - Mrs Wiggs, a Cockney Mrs Weasley sort of figure, and Sergeant Rugg, an old-school army general with a moustache. Dodo is again entirely unsuspicious of them and happily catches them up on the entire plot. Steven apparently feels his masculinity is being threatened by the Sergeant and is just kind of a dick to him.

SGT RUGG: All right, young fellow me lad, no loitering! Pick your feet up then! Hup two three four, hup two three four--
STEVEN: Why don't you go back to your box?
SGT RUGG: What's that? Why, you young whipper snapper, I'll...
STEVEN: You'll what?
SGT RUGG: Well, I'll... well, you need a good hiding, m'lad!
STEVEN: Hah, and who's going to give it to me?

Actually, he's either being a dick or flirting. I can never tell.

While Steven and the Sergeant have been entertaining themselves with their little pissing contest, Dodo has been talking with Mrs Wiggs and trying to advance the plot a little. She recites the riddle, and Mrs Wiggs says that she knows a dancefloor through the other door in the room, which is locked. Steven, channelling his inner dickwad again, goes over and kicks the door when he finds out it's not already open. Mrs Wiggs and the sergeant are both looking on in confusion and gently remind them of the riddle that Dodo literally just recited in full. Even with this prompt, both of them seem confused until Mrs Wiggs literally has to say 'HUNT THE KEY TO FIT THE DOOR'. Gosh.

Meanwhile, back with old Toymaker, the Doctor has just stopped playing - presumably cos of the caveat where if Steven and Dodo are still playing while the Doctor finishes, they'll all be stuck there forever. This seems like a silly rule to me cos Steven and Dodo's games seem to be pretty infinite, but whatever. The Toymaker gets annoyed and accelerates the Doctor's puzzle by a few hundred steps.

Back in the kitchen, Steven and Dodo are hunting around for the key and making a big old mess. Dodo charms the sergeant into helping them, and Mrs Wiggs is getting annoyed at them all for destroying her kitchen. Sergeant Rugg breaks a couple of plates and then the two of them just have a big brawl - throwing stuff at each other and shouting - while Steven and Dodo awkwardly stand at the side.

While all this is going on, Steven and Dodo notice a kitchen boy in the corner trying to sneak off, and they remark how similar he looks to the Jack of Hearts, whose name was Cyril. Steven storms over and demands to know where the key is; Cyril hands him a jar. While Steven is smashing up the jar to see if the key is inside, Cyril just... goes and locks himself in the pantry and we don't see him again this scene. So. Great.

The key, it turns out, was inside this pie that Mrs Wiggs had just baked. Dodo is obviously the one who figured it out and forcibly pushed Steven through the door before he could get angry at something dumb again. Through the door is the 'dance floor', or the best the prop department could do at the time.

Steven, again being weirdly idiotic this episode, sees the TARDIS and is once again convinced that it's definitely not a fake. What's WRONG with you today, Steven baby? He steps out onto the dancefloor and immediately gets his groove on - being on the dancefloor forces you to dance, I guess? The three dolls on the thing partner up with Steven in turn and keep moving him away from the TARDIS. Steven is mainly concerned that the lady dolls are in control of the dance.

DODO: Can't you dance down to it Steven?
STEVEN: I can't lead! I'm just being carried 'round and 'round!

Bless. And then Sergeant Rugg and Mrs Wiggs appear! They've had a meeting with the Toymaker and have been instructed to reach "that big cupboard" before Steven and Dodo do, so Mrs Wiggs joins in with the dancing while the Sergeant tries to reach the TARDIS. Dodo also gets on the dancefloor, for some reason, and is also swept up with the groovin' fever, and also then the Sergeant too. There's a right old party going on, man. The Toymaker's crib is where it's AT.

There's a complicated thing that happens where whenever a new person steps on the dancefloor, the music changes and the three dolls switch partners to dance with someone else, so eventually Steven ends up dancing on his own and manages to somehow get Dodo and dance them towards the TARDIS? I can't really make sense of it, cos this is a reconstructed episode so there's no footage, but basically yeah they escape and go through the door of the TARDIS. Hooray.

To nobody's surprise but Steven and Dodo's, it's not the real TARDIS. It's just a box with an arrow on one of the walls and a sign saying 'Start here'. There's also another riddle, shorter this time: "Lady Luck will show the way, win the game or here you'll stay." Once they've read it, the wall descends to reveal yet another mysterious corridor. They start to walk down it and bump into Cyril again! Brilliant! Cyril pulls a few pranks on them - shakes Steven's hand and gives him an electric shock - and also says that his name is Cyril but his friends call him Billy, and their next game will be played against him. What a weird character, man. Billy/Cyril does an ominous little giggle, and then the episode ends!

One more Toymaker episode left! I wonder if we'll get any explanation as to where they are or who the Toymaker is or how he knows the Doctor. I'm guessing not, but I live in hope.

I hope you are all well and happy. Watch Adventure in Space and Time if you have a spare hour and a bit. It's worth it.

Moosh

The Celestial Toymaker Part 1/4: The Celestial Toyroom

Hah, so everyone knew that National Who Watching Month included a seven-month break, right? That was implied in the name, I'm pretty sure. (I am so ashamed.)

Gonna do a cheeky re-introduction to the action since it's been so long.

Currently aboard the TARDIS we have:

• THE DOCTOR in his first incarnation. He's pretty useless. Often he'll just wander off on his own for hours at a time while the companions sort his shit out, and then he'll come back and act like it was part of his plan all along. I'm not a huuuuuge fan, but he's okay. Endearing in a doddering-old-fool kind of way. You'd have him over for Christmas but avoid him most of the rest of the year.
• STEVEN, human male (potentially in his late twenties?) from the 23rd century. While I'm pretty sure his character wasn't intentionally written that way, Steven basically has sexual chemistry with everything. It's great and I love him. He's been kicking around in the TARDIS for ages, and likes to call the Doctor out on his bullshit, which I appreciate.
• DODO, Northern human female from the 20th century. She's kind of annoying, but she's only been around for one serial (four episodes), so my feelings for her remain mostly undecided. She's also overconfident and cocky, despite being, like, 16, but is decent-hearted enough, I suppose. Idk. I don't really like her but also I'm reluctant to pass judgement so early in her run. We'll see how she goes.

The three brave adventurers have just skipped away from the year 5 billion, where they frolicked about with humans, giant lizards, and some invisible people, and they're safely locked inside the TARDIS (which, as a reminder, they can't steer at all; it goes wherever it wants to). However, in a crazy plot twist, the Doctor dun did a sneeze and disappeared! But he's still there! But he's invisible! Dodo wondered whether this crazy new development was due to the invisible guys they met on the last planet they landed on, but the Doctor tells her that, nope, this definitely means that they're all under attack. Sweet.

Since this is a recap I should also reiterate that the footage from most of these episodes was destroyed in some BBC fire/purge/crazy house party thing, so often when you're watching these early serials, the only thing remaining is the audio and a few still images. This is one such episode, which is fine, but because this is also an episode with invisible characters, the still images are just, like. Pictures of chairs.

But moving on with plot: Dodo suggests that, if they're under attack, maybe they should just haul ass out of there. The Doctor says no, and he cites three reasons for this:

• The scanner is blank, but it's not broken, because when it's broken it's "not as clear" as the current blankness, so this is part of the attack!
• If they dematerialise then it might be worse than if they don't. He doesn't explain this point further.
• Not only is the Doctor invisible, but also he is intangible, so he can't move the switches or anything. Steven suggests that the Doctor tell them which switches to move and they'll do it for him, but the Doctor adamantly refuses this. Again for no explained reason.

Poor show there, Doctor. 0/3 points scored for logic once again.

Elsewhere, a dude dressed in what I think is traditional Chinese(?) robes is being all creepy. He takes two clown dolls from his huge stash of toys (I'm assuming this is the Toymaker that the title of the serial refers to) and uses a magic ring to grow them to human size. He then instructs the creepy humantoys to show Steven and Dodo some 'tricks'. So. That could be anything, really, couldn't it.

Back inside the TARDIS, the Doctor has reappeared! Dodo is most relieved and asks whether this means that they can go to somewhere less creepy now please. The Doctor, striding out of the TARDIS, says that no! He was MEANT to come here! Dodo is hilariously unimpressed with this bullshit.

STEVEN: What's this extraordinary place?
DOCTOR: Well, I'm not quite sure, dear boy, but it's, ah, it's somewhat familiar...hmm?
DODO: It looks dead boring to me. C'mon!
DODO: ... I said come ON, guys. Guys. ... guys?

Steven interrupts Dodo's weak attempts at getting them all out of there by shouting and pointing to a nearby screen that has a picture of him on it.

Remember when I said that everything Steven does is a little bit sexy? What exactly is going on in this picture, Steven. Steven please.

The Doctor sees the screen and immediately tells Steven to turn around and not look at it. Steven is confused - the picture of him has changed, it's now one of him in Paris with his lover, Nicholas. The Doctor seems to finally get his shit together and stops being a whimsical loser.

DOCTOR: Turn away from it, dear boy! We're now in the world of the Celestial Toymaker! And that screen is hypnotic. It's trying to dominate your mind.
STEVEN: But Doctor...
DOCTOR: There is nothing there. You understand me? There is nothing there at all. You must believe me.
DODO: Who's the Celestial Toymaker?
DOCTOR: He's a powerful evil. He manipulates people and makes them into his playthings. Whatever you do, neither of you must look at that screen. It's a trap.
CELESTIAL TOYMAKER: Did someone say Celestial Toymaker?! :D

The Toymaker in his fancy robes appears and does the whole villain 'ah Doctor you're spoiling my fun' schtick. The Doctor makes me angry again by saying 'I might have guessed it was you!' when the Toymaker shows up - yeah, you ACTUALLY guessed it was him, Doctor. That's what happened when you said, "We're now in the world of the Celestial Toymaker." That's what that was.

Dodo gets a little bit of character development here when she sees herself on the screen and exclaims that that's a video of her from the day her mother died. Steven drags her around when she can't stop looking at it, and Dodo gets upset and asks again why they can't leave, exactly. The Doctor has a good excuse, finally, because the Toymaker has duplicated the image of the TARDIS so there's hundreds rotating all around them. Shouldn't have gone outside in the first place, some might say, but what can you do.

Further peril! Once Steven and Dodo have turned away from the rotating TARDIS images, the Doctor and the Celestial Toymaker have disappeared! And so have all the TARDISes! And in their place are the two human-sized clown toys, making 'shh' gestures.

Just look at those creepy shits.

The clowns piss about for a bit, pulling silly pranks on them like getting Steven to shake a false hand and giving Dodo flowers that squirt water. Clown stuff. Y'know. Steven gets angry and demands to know what the clowns want with them, whereupon the Celestial Toymaker reappears. The situation, the Toymaker tells them, is that the Doctor is in a different location and he has to win some games that the Toymaker sets him. Steven and Dodo have to do the same, and the two of them have to win all of their games before the Doctor wins his. Finally, a TARDIS will appear to Steven and Dodo at the end of each game they win - it may or may not be the real one. If they lose any of the games, they have to stay there with the Toymaker 4evs.

With these rules bestowed, the Toymaker disappears again to rejoin the Doctor. Idiot that the Doctor is, he's all complaining about how he should never have left the TARDIS (yes) and how they should have got out of there as soon as they realised where they were (yes). The Toymaker tells him to stop moaning otherwise he's lost by default, and presents him with a hardcore logic puzzle before disappearing again. The Doctor takes the opportunity to press a conveniently-placed intercom button to warn Steven and Dodo that the Celestial Toymaker is a tricksy bugger, but before he can tell them anything they didn't already know, the Toymaker reappears and punishes the Doctor by making him intangible again - except for one of his hands so he can still solve the puzzle. The Doctor grumbles and goes back to his little logic game as naught but a floaty hand and a pompous voice.

Back with Dodo, Steven and the clowns (who we learn are called Joey and Clara - wouldn't put it past Moff to use that in the 50th anniversary special this year), a weird blindfolded obstacle course has been set up, wherein Steven has to navigate a bunch of blocks and rope swings and stuff with a blindfold on while Dodo directs him with a buzzer - one buzz for turning right, four for forwards, etc. Joey the clown is just messing about while they play, moving obstacles before Steven can get to them and generally just being a tool.

When Steven finishes the course to find that Joey has arranged the obstacles so he's back to the beginning again, Steven gets annoyed and takes off his blindfold. He accuses the clownpeople of being Massive Cheating Shits (not a direct quote) and then makes Joey put a blindfold on and do it himself. Obviously Joey fails, and a TARDIS appears! Even more obviously, it's a fake TARDIS, but after looking around they find a piece of paper with a riddle on it:

"Four legs, no feet, 

of arms no lack,

it carries no burden on its back. 

Six deadly sisters,

seven for choice,

call the servants without voice."

And then they walk out through a door that just appeared inside the fake TARDIS, leaving the clownpeople (who are now dolls again) slumped over on the ground.

And that's the end! I'll leave the riddle here until next time, might take that long to figure out. I have an idea of what it could be but also the irony of having LOGIC PUZZLES in episodes of classic Doctor Who where logic has absolutely no place is not lost on me so I'm reluctant to make a serious guess. It's probably something like an alien species or the concept of breathing. I don't even know.

I'll be back soon(ish) with part two. Promise.

Moosh

The Ark Part 4/4: The Bomb

WHAT UP, WHOVIANS. We rejoin the action with the Doctor and Dodo stuck on the planet Refusis, a planet very much like Earth in temperature, atmosphere, water levels, and celebrity culture (that one was a lie), and thus it has been chosen by ex-Earth inhabitants as a place they wanna be, because their old planet was swallowed by an expanding sun (like that episode of the ninth Doctor's! Still happy about that). Steven is back up on the spaceship known as the Ark, where giant lizard creatures called Monoids have taken charge, and the remaining humans (whom I have affectionately termed 'newmans') are working as slaves. The original plan of the newmans, Monoids and Refusians living in peace on Refusis does not look like it's going to go ahead.

Up on the Ark, the Monoids - who just heard the Monoid on Refusis start a report and then get blown up - contemplate the wisdom of moving their entire population to a planet that is potentially filled with enemies. But it could just be a communications error! And before he got cut off, the Monoid on the planet sounded happy and stuff, so. They're just going to send everyone down and hope for the best. And also they've planted a bomb in the top of the statue, so once all the Monoids are safe on Refusis, they're going to blow up the Ark and all of the humans! There's a lot of evil lizardy laughter following this announcement.

Meanwhile, the Doctor and Dodo are having a chat with a Refusian they've befriended. It seems logic is not going to play a huge part in this episode - the Refusians were the ones to blow up the shuttle, because they don't want any violence. The Doctor tells him that the newmans who wanted to kill them are peaceful, like the Refusians, and the Monoids are the only problem here. But also there are a couple of newmans who want to overthrow the Monoids! The Refusian says, ah okay, in that case he'll give the newmans a whole day to overthrow the Monoids before they shoot the Ark out of the sky. The Doctor is relieved by this? And says that Steven will definitely take care of it and sort out the situation, even though Steven has absolutely no way of finding out about what's happening on the planet. I don't understand ANY of this.

Luckily, Steven IS planning a revolution, because Steven is a dashing man of action. The kitchen he's trapped in - there's only one door, and it only opens from the outside. But he has a plan: when one of the newman servants who works obediently for the Monoids comes into the kitchen to pick up food, he will distract them with his sexy manly wiles and Dassuk will sneak out and open the door for all of them when it locks again!

Look at those sexy manly wiles go. Hot dang.

But! Before any havoc can be wrought, all the Monoids take off for Refusis! Steven and the newmans (which, by the way, is an excellent name for a band) are left alone on the Ark, which is a good thing, but also there is this bomb that's scheduled to go off in twelve hours, and none of them knows where it is, which is kind of a bad thing.

Logic loses once again in this episode, as the Doctor and Dodo are suddenly out in the jungle, watching from behind a tree as the Monoids land. The Monoids talk loudly of how if this planet doesn't work out, there's still time to get back to the Ark before that bomb they planted goes off - obviously the Doctor and Dodo overhear this and comment on how much of a ridiculous thing to say it was and seem to brush it off. Then, when the Monoids wander off deeper into the jungle, the Doctor and Dodo sneak into one of the unlocked space shuttles, and ring the Ark.

The newmans, who have made it to the control room on the Ark, see that they have an incoming transmission from one of the space shuttles. It could only be from one of the Monoids, and obviously the newmans are supposed to be trapped in a room on the other side of the ship, so obviously they answer the call.

DOCTOR: This is Refusis, contacting spaceship Ark.
STEVEN: It’s the Doctor! Hello, Doctor, this is Steven.
DOCTOR: Oh, thank heavens, Steven my boy, you’re safe. Now listen: the Ark is about to blow up!
STEVEN: We know that. Do you know where the bomb is?
DOCTOR: No I do not, but I’m going to find out from the Monoids. Now, continue with the search!
STEVEN: ... well, good, thanks. Well worth the cost of a phone call, that one, Doc. Brilliant.

The Doctor hangs up and then instructs the Refusian (who is apparently there too!) to fly the shuttles back to the Ark while the Doctor goes talking to the Monoids. The Refusian gets right on that, and when the Monoids come rushing back to see where their spaceships are going, the Doctor happily tells them that he doesn't know! He hasn't seen ANYBODY since he landed on this planet! (It's because the Refusians are invisible.) (He's very proud of himself.)

The Doctor and Dodo get taken away by the Monoids to be questioned, whereupon they obviously hear all the details about the bomb because the Monoids just reiterate all the information of the episode thus far to one another. Up on the Ark, the bomb hunt is not going well, so the newmans decide to split up so half of them can go down to Refusis and help? I dunno what they're supposed to be helping with, but this episode is not an episode for logic, as we have learned.

So, the newmans head down to the planet and run into the Doctor; the Doctor tells them that he knows where the bomb is! Let's all head back up to the bomb that's gonna explode soon! He rings ahead to tell Steven that, hello Steven, how're things, yeah, the bomb is in the massive statue BE THERE SOON GOOD LUCK LOL. Steven and the newmans all gather around the statue looking helpless, but then the voice of the Refusian appears being all, 'I CAN HELP YOU WITH THAT,' and then the statue starts, like, being dragged across the floor. Apparently the solar flare that his the Refusians was the same thing that got the Fantastic Four crew because, like, shit.

The Refusian drags it to the launching bay and blasts it off into space before it explodes, so that's one plot point we've got out of the way, there! Now all they have left to take care of are the murderous lizards. Cool.

Aaaand they achieve that by... just saying that the two species will make peace? I, um, don't think that's how this kind of stuff works. Or if it is can someone just hop over to the dozens of war zones on present-day Earth and let them know. And the Doctor, Steven and Dodo just leave! Okay, well, quick resolution there, but. No logic in this episode. I don't know why I keep expecting it.

But then! Inside the TARDIS, everything seems to be going fine (Dodo has changed into a new outfit and Steven gets really close to her before he compliments it) and then the Doctor sneezes and... turns... invisible? Dodo thinks this might have something to do with the Refusions, but then InvisiDoctor says no! They are UNDER ATTACK.

I've heard that the next serial is a good one, so I look forward to sharing that with you. Maybe there will be storylines that make sense in it. We can but hope. :D

Moosh

The Ark Part 3/4: The Return

Dodo infected a bunch of humans from the year 5 billion with a cold, but the Doctor cured everyone! The new humans revised their previously a-bit-not-good opinion of the Doctor and his companions, and happily waved them off as they vworped away in the TARDIS. But, as we all know, the TARDIS goes wherever it damn pleases, and they ended up in the exact same spot they took off from. Weird! But also it appears a bunch of time has passed, and maybe the giant lizards (Monoids) are in charge now?

They have a gander around for a bit and find their way back in the main control room. The Doctor checks out the CCTV feed; there are still humans around, but they're working as slaves in the kitchen, and the Monoids are lounging around, giving orders and generally being bosses. Suddenly! A Monoid with its human bitches strolls in, and asks them what exactly they're doing on the spaceship. The Doctor, Dodo and Steven are taken aback by this; the last time they were kicking around on the ship, the Monoids only communicated through sign language.

The Monoid seems a little suspicious of the Doctor's 'Oh we've been here before, we're friends of yours!' explanation, and hauls them over to speak to the leader. The Monoid In Charge stops all of them before they say anything, and plays the previous episode on a little screen so they can all catch up with the plot.

And in a move I saw coming, dunno about you, it turns out that WHOOPS! The cold ended up killing loads of the newmans anyway! So that weakened them, and then they worked together to get the Monoids those mechanic voice box things that they're using, and also made themselves some weapons, then BOOM. Monoid revolution! Thank you, Doctor.

Somewhat ungratefully, though, Monoid In Charge orders them to be taken away while he arranges a grand council. The Doctor, Dodo and Steven all share a weird and unexplained sense of deja vu.

They get taken to the kitchen, where two people - Dassuk and Venussa - are gossiping. Venussa is really excited cos she overheard the Monoids talking about how some humans have landed on the Ark. Dassuk tells her, nah mate, Earth exploded and all the humans came aboard this ship, where would they have come from? Venussa chirps about the LEGEND OF THE DOCTOR AND THE YOUNG COUPLE, and Dassuk tells her that she's a bit loopy. Venussa is put out, but then hears a Monoid saying the Doctor's name and gets excited again. When they meet her, the TARDIS crew wave her off with only minimal explanation, though, because they are in the middle of a very important Escape Mission.

... that mission promptly fails when the Monoids come back into the kitchen with guns. Those pesky lizards grab the Doctor and Dodo and take them away, leaving Steven to chill with the newmans. Turns out the Doctor and Dodo are being sent ahead to Refusis on a little shuttle to check out the environment and to make sure that there are no bloodthirsty natives, and Steven is being held back as INSURANCE. Man, not sure lizards are my favourite animals any more, jeez.

Dodo and the Doctor - along with a Monoid and a newman - make it to Refusis pretty quick. There doesn't seem to be any natives kicking around, which confuses the Monoid, because he could've SWORN that they had readings that indicated... ah well, never mind. And ignore the door opening and closing by itself, it's probably the, um. The wind. Well, they best get back to the ship and tell everyone of the good news! Time's ticking away!

DODO: Yes, I bet it'll take some time to get the whole of the population down here, so the sooner you get started the better, I should think.
MONOID: Don't worry. It may not take as long as you think.
DODO: What do you mean? Are you up to something?
MONOID: Er. No?
DODO: I'm calling bullshit.

But then! The Doctor comes round the corner and tells them that Refusis is definitely inhabited and he has proof! Look! A BUILDING.

So the four of them shimmy on over there to explore; it's the same kind of deal, no people. Except things keep moving on their own! Come on, guys, we all figured out what was going on like five minutes ago.

Whahey, and then we get an explanation! The Refusians were victims of a giant solar flare, and now they exist in a kind of... non-entity form? They're not just invisible. I guess they're kind of like ghosts, that sort of substance? Anyway, because of this, they were looking forward to their planet having actual corporeal inhabitants again, as long as they came in peace. The Doctor laughs nervously and changes the subject. 

While the Doctor and Dodo stay in the Refusian pad for a while, Monoid and the newman go and make their way back the shuttle so they can radio up to the Ark. The Monoid says something dumb, or something, which makes the newman suspect that maaaaybe the Monoids plan on killing all the humans and living on Refusis without them. The two of them get into a fight (the newman loses), and the Monoid saunters happily into the shuttle again. 

MONOID: Refusis to the spaceship Ark.

MONOID IN CHARGE: Yes, give us your report. Are the landings possible?
MONOID: The planet offers everything we need, but I must warn you. Listen to this carefully. When we first arrived, we exited--

And then the shuttle blows up! With the Monoid inside it! Leaving the Doctor and Dodo stranded on Refusis! Shiiiit.

I like how the BBC's budget in the 60's meant that a bunch of aliens were just invisible. Not being able to see the enemy is UNDER-UTILISED in New Who, imo.

Moosh

The Ark Part 2/4: The Plague

New Girl Dodo is way too eager to be away from home with no way of getting back, which makes me suspicious, and also she has brought her disgusting Earth Girl germs with her to the 5 billion and 1st century and is now killing locals. She has not made a great impression on me so far.

So the Doctor, Dodo and Steven are in some kind of holding cell, waiting to be tried under Galactic Law by Crazy Zentos. Dodo is getting on my nerves already and we're only one minute in.

DODO: It’s all my fault! If I’d known it was going to be like this, I’d never have come.
DOCTOR: Well you did come, my dear, so it’s too late to be worry about that - and stop sniffling!
DODO: I’m not sniffling, it’s me nose running again! Anyway, I’m feeling better now. But I don’t suppose anyone cares.
DOCTOR: I don't suppose anyone does, because there are other people on this spaceship who are LITERALLY DYING, you selfish little shit.

The Commander, who caught the cold at the end of the last episode, is lying on a bed with his daughter, Mellium, and a scientist next to him. The scientist is apologetic, because all records concerning the common cold were lost YEARS ago, and it was, y'know, quite tough to cure to begin with. The Commander says that he doesn't really care what happens to him, or to his daughter, as long as the voyage continues and the ship makes it to the planet Refusis in 700 years' time. Mellium is a little put out.

Crazy Zentos is pretty eager to get on with the trial and punishment of the three prisoners, so he calls a meeting of the newmans. He will preside, he says happily, and does anyone want to stand up for the prisoners? After an awkward silence, Manyak - the technician that the Doctor had a chat with when they were first brought to the spaceship - and Mellium say that they'll do that, it's what the Commander would have wanted. (The Commander, who is lying fully conscious on a bed one room over, chimes in with, "Yes, yes!")

The Commander's hilarious interjections continue. Crazy Zentos calls Steven into the trial room and accuses him of being a spy from Refusis sent to sabotage the humans' journey. Steven calls bullshit on account of him being a human time traveller; Crazy Zentos rejects this idea, as humans haven't perfected time travel yet (my earlier excitement over the Doctor Who continuity staying strong over 50 years has wilted a little - wasn't Jack Harkness a human time traveller from the 51st century?). But Crazy Zentos's 'instincts' tell him that Steven and the others are EVIL.

STEVEN: And that, unfortunately, tells me only one thing.
CRAZY ZENTOS: What’s that?
STEVEN: That the nature of man, even in this day and age, hasn’t altered at all. You still fear the unknown, like everyone else before you.
COMMANDER: That’s true! True!
CRAZY ZENTOS: Stop getting involved omg.

Ahaha and then he does it AGAIN I'm laughing really hard right now. Manyak the technician is really fighting for the TARDIS gang:

MANYAK: The fever is here. We have no answer for it and it might well be that they are the only ones who can cure it.
CRAZY ZENTOS: Our micro-virologists may still find an answer!
MANYAK: Perhaps, but if we were to agree that the Doctor and his friends could, what is the value in expelling them from the spaceship?
COMMANDER: None at all!

Ahh no but then one of the newmans brings news that someone else has died from the fever. This makes everyone's mind up; the verdict is that these saboteurs are to be EXPELLED FROM THE SPACESHIP. But then, whoops, something's going on with Steven.

He's all weak and fainty cos he's caught the cold (Dodo may be annoying but she never made such a fuss about a little COLD, gosh). Some Monoids drag him to the cell where the Doctor and Dodo are waiting and the Doctor tries to talk his way out of custody so he can go do 'some experiments' and find a cure. Crazy Zentos flat-out refuses, but the Commander has found a communication device from somewhere and orders Crazy Zentos to let the Doctor do his science, on the condition that he tests out the cure on Steven first.

The Doctor, given a sudden free reign, goes into overdrive. He starts ordering the newmans about, telling Mellium to keep Steven warm and then run around the ship doing the same to all the other sick people. The then gives Dodo a list of things he needs and sends her to fetch it all from the TARDIS (I'm crossing my fingers that the list is just 'Lemsip, cuddles'), and then he grabs one of the newmans and begins to tell him about the science behind the cold virus, in case they can be of any help. It might be the first time I've seen him take charge of a situation and have some semblance of competence. It's exciting!

The Doctor, with his silent Monoid assistant (all the Monoids communicate in sign language), whip up a cocktail of cold remedy and sort of rub it into Steven's arm, because hypodermic needles are sooo last millennium. Steven stirs a little bit, so the Doctor is all, 'Cool! It works!' and then rushes off to treat everyone else.

It is one hour later and Steven is still all fevery. Dodo is getting concerned, but the Doctor tells her to chillax, hang loose, just go with the flow. And SURE ENOUGH, in a spectacular display of Steven being wildly inappropriate, he grabs onto Dodo while his fever breaks. Everything's going to be fine!

Dodo runs to the main room to break the news to everyone, and the newmans are surprisingly laid back about it all. Even Crazy Zentos is just, 'Cool, you were right! Awesome, you're free to go whenever you like catch you later xoxo.' So, the Doctor, Dodo and Steven say goodbye to them in front of the statue that they're building (it's going to be a massive human - the plan is it'll take 700 years to build so by the time they arrive on Refusis it'll just be finished) and then just... head back to the TARDIS on, like, a little golf cart driven by a Monoid oh gosh that's really cute.

So they just get into the TARDIS and dematerialise. I guess... that's the end of that? But it's a four-part serial! I sense there is MORE TO COME. And I am proven right, because apparently they've materialised again right back where they left! They're still on the ship, something must have gone wrong with the TARDIS, the Doctor tells them.

So, they (for some reason) head back on over to the newman's building to tell them of the hilarious thing that just happened, and they find it deserted. Weird, Dodo says, they've only been gone a few seconds. Steven gently reminds her of what the T in TARDIS stands for, but then they catch sight of that statue that was going to take 700 years to build, and it's finished. But instead of being a statue of a human, it's a statue of a MONOID.

Excellent plot twist, A+! MORE SOON.

Moosh

The Ark Part 1/4: The Steel Sky

I did some research - turns out the Doctor wasn't around much during The Massacre is cos William Hartnell was on holiday. Still not entirely sure what the deal with him and the Abbot was, but from what I can gather it was just... they looked exactly the same? Hartnell-as-the-Abbot didn't do his annoying little giggle, or say 'hmm?', apparently, which I didn't notice! But I appreciate! If only Hartnell-as-the-Doctor could show the same courtesy.

No, it's fine, I'm gonna let it go. I've moved on. Season 3 episode 26, let's do this.

The episode opens with a shot of a lizard on a rock. I love lizards! But then a bird lands on the lizard's face what no don't be mean to the lizard, bird, what did it ever do to you? Oh man and then there's a person in a scaley costume so I assume that's supposed to be a BIG LIZARD with ONE EYE inside a MOUTH ooh how exciting.

I've never seen a lizard with such a well-kept head of hair before, but I guess aliens have different rules for that kind of thing. Even if they still have geckos and toucans.

The TARDIS lands in the middle of a jungle/rainforest - because ALL ALIEN PLANETS ARE MADE OF JUNGLE, that is what we have learnt - and the new girl, Dodo, prances right out. Steven rushes out after her, reprimanding her for just jumping out of the TARDIS without the Doctor doing, like, atmosphere checks and stuff.

STEVEN: Look, Dodo, you don’t know what you might have found out here. No gravity, poisoned atmosphere, all sorts of things. What happens if you get lost?
DODO: I'll catch a bus back!
STEVEN: A... bus? Are you HIGH?

Dodo is pretty certain that the rainforest they've landed in is actually a zoo! She came here on a school trip a few years ago, she assures Steven, and if you go down that path there's a pretty good American Bison attraction. Also woah geez how old is Dodo because Steven just had a definite moment with her. CONTROL YOURSELF, Steven, stop having chemistry with everyone. God.

The Doctor appears and tells them both that Dorothea - sorry, Dodo - might be right. He's been looking at his instruments (now, Doctor, this is a family show) and things are very strange. You're damn right they are, Doctor, because the scene then cuts to one of those big lizard things using a typewriter. And then, wow, okay, the shot pans out to show a courtroom? There's a human jury, human judge and human defendant, but also those lizard things are like the guards? And all the humans are wearing these tunic-skirt things. The dude being tried has great legs.

Okay, so from what I can gather, the Dude of Great Legs works in, like, a power plant or something, and left a safety valve open. His sentence is MINIATURISATION, which is what it sounds like, he's just gonna be shrunk to tiny size. The judge's daughter protests a little - I think her and Great Legs must have been a thing - but a lizard thing (called a Monoid?) zaps him down and that's that done with.

Back in the jungle, the Doctor, Steven and Dodo have found an elephant (seriously) and all gather around it, petting it, which I am very envious of. Elephants are up there with lizards. Love 'em. The Doctor remarks on how this is an Indian elephant, and there are plants from America and birds from Africa and basically shit from all over the place all in one jungle. Oh, also there's no sky; it's a metal dome that radiates light. So.

They conclude that they're in some kind of indoor nature park on Earth or maybe some other undisclosed planet who knows! Also Dodo is getting a cold, she keeps sneezing, so maybe there's a poison in the air or something, that'd be cool.

Unfortunately for the TARDIS crew, a Monoid (lizard) has been watching them the whole time, and goes off to report to the judge from earlier, who is a Commander of some kind. The Commander fires up the CCTV and sees that these three look like human beings, which is apparently weird. He gets his minion, Zentos, to pop outside and invite them in for a little chat.

An alarm starts blaring away in the jungle and the Doctor, Steven and Dodo are understandably concerned by this. Turns out the Monoids have found the TARDIS and now they're looking for them, shit. They go hide in a cave (there's a moment where Dodo nearly sneezes and Steven presses his ENTIRE BODY AGAINST HER, not even kidding, come on, Steven); once the Monoids have walked past the cave entrance, the Doctor decides they should all go back to the TARDIS and get the hell out of there.

So they creep out of the cave and round a corner and see a kind of factory thing? Steven and Dodo don't have a clue what's going on, but the Doctor happily says that that factory thing means this is a spaceship! How exciting! Dodo says, cool, but if this is a spaceship, why are we currently surrounded by threateningly large giant lizards? The Doctor laughs nervously.

Oh man something cool just happened. So, Steven, Dodo and the Doctor are taken into the building where the trial was held, and are separated and questioned. Steven is pretty useless when asked about the whole travelling-the-fourth-dimension thing, but he gets a couple of questions answered in return. It turns out that it is the year 5 billion, and this spaceship has left Earth for the last time for pastures new. IT'S THE SAME TIME AS THAT EPISODE FROM CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON'S ERA. IT'S THE SAME YEAR. THE SUN IS EXPANDING AND EVERYONE'S LEAVING EARTH. Ahhh so cool.

The Doctor and Dodo reappear and everyone has a nice chat for a while. Mellium, the commander's daughter, shows Steven and Dodo around while the Doctor has a chat with the spaceship technicians. Everything is hunky-dory until another alarm starts going off; people are starting to get a STRANGE FEVER and one of the Monoids has just DIED.

Turns out the common cold was wiped out of humanity millions of years ago, so these humans of the year 5 billion don't have any resistance to Dodo's germs. The new humans (newmans?) take this as a big old sabotage attempt and take the TARDIS crew into custody! They will be tried by Galactic Law and will suffer for the crimes they have committed! Dun dun dunnnnn.

Moosh